Today I am going to whine....(do I ever do anything else here?)

My heart hurts.

I have been through 4 quasi relationships in the last 9 months. Not until now has my heart hurt. I got the lets just be friends last night. I have given this speech. I have even recieved this speech in the past. But never have I let it affect me like this. There were actual tears involved last night. Only after I had finished talking to N and was alone. And really why, N and I were never more then casual in our relationship and had never discussed taking it further. He and I even talked a couple of weeks ago about how I do not want anything like a relationship in my life right now. He said he was willing to wait until I knew what I wanted. Apparently my knowledge of what I wanted came a little to late. I am no longer wanted.......
So tonight I will go to a hockey game and watch guys throw each other around. Tomorrow and Sunday I will take care of Church business and go to parties, pretending I am happy.

Work is slow today and the weather is dark. Not too cold or really stormy just more meloncholy. It seems to be reflected in my mood. I am trying to get out of this funk that I am in. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working. I am continually convincing myself that going out tonight with the girls is a good thing. Every one needs a little girl time. I know I will have fun but am more inclined to go home and curl up with a good book or two and a cup of Hot Chocolate. Apparently, I have left the tom-boy behind. When did I become such an introvert that reading a good book has become more fun then going out to play? Is it a sign of age, or just of how attitudes shift according to life cicumstances. I spent the last couple of years taking care of children that were not my own. I am one of 12 children and have been helping to raise the 3 youngest since I turned 18. Last year there was a shift in the household and I finally got a chance to get out on my own. So here I am 26 years old and finally learning to live life. I am going through all of the phases that teenagers usually do. I have realized that often I am not the person I used to be. Which can be good or bad.

So as I have been reading the various posts on other blogs, thoughts have come to mind that I really do not want to burden anyone with. Have you ever wondered if the people who surround you are just humoring you. I know my level of intelligence does not equal that of my friends, therefore I have become afraid of expressing my thoughts. This makes me sound like I am in the middle of a pity party and really I am not. I have a decent brain, but have surrounded myself with brilliant people. When I say brilliant I mean brilliant. I enjoy their company as it makes me look at things in a whole new light. For the most part, things are looked at from a logical point of view. Which is very different from the atmosphere in which I was raised. Not to say my family is illogical. Just that it is very emotional. While having such friends is wonderful in one sense(i.e. I get to enjoy the discussions and topics that are brought up) it seems also to be detrimental to my mental health. :) I fear adding comments. I know I am not as well read as some or retain facts as well as others. I am not versed in the great authors of history, or caught up in the fine arts of any time period. Does this make my thoughts any less valuable. Now my head tells me a resounding NO!!!! I can hear all of my Sunday School(religious) teachers saying: My thoughts are just as valuable as any other, they are a form of personal expression...... everyone is entitled to their own opinion....blah...blah...blah.... There is this part of me that fears to express myself because It just might make me look stupid. Isn't that a quote somewhere? It is better to keep silent and look stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Now I will have to go and find the quote that I just slaughtered. Thank heavens for the internet. I shall google it today.