GRADUATION!! (Grad School)

Monday, February 27

The Girl Scouts....

The time of year has come....Girl Scouts scour the land for every gullible person in existence. Every soul who is a sucker for a small girl with big eyes and those horrible uniforms. Mothers….fathers…..grandmothers….co-workers….school teachers…we are suckers. We buy year after year. The Samoas, the Thin Mints, the Tagalongs, The Treefoils, and the Lemon whatever’s….the list goes on. Buy 3…6…9…15 boxes, they go in the freezer or out on a tray and tempt us. It is not that they aren’t any good. As a matter of fact one co-worker today has decided that the Girl Scout cookies must be laced with Crack or some other addictive substance. Otherwise, why do we eat them? A boxful at the time?

So the trial of my will power has come. I have purchased my own boxes, they are stored under my desk to be carefully transported home and frozen. These will be brought out for celebrations of various things…or those really bad days that you just need a cookie. But another co-worker of mine to be nice has set out a box of my favorite cookies (the Somoas) at the front desk.

For those that don’t actually know me; I work Front Office/HR for a computer company. Half of the week I sit at the front desk, our company stocks a candy jar and a gumball jar for our front desk. These do not tempt me. I can withstand all of the chocolate and sugar gumballs. But these cookies….chocolate, coconut, caramel, what can I say……I am not sure I can hold out. I have had my limit. 2! No more! No less! Now I just have to get through the next hour.

We’ll see ;)

Sunday, February 26

I learned from Mama....

I went and saw a movie last night. I know I know something new for me. Lol! I have felt out of the loop as I haven't been to a movie in 2 weeks. This time I let my roommate Kate pick what we would see. A risky venture, I know, but I trust her. I mean who else went to see rent with me so many times.  Kate picked Madea’s Family Reunion, apparently a sequel to the movie Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I have not seen the first so I came into this knowing very little. As a matter of fact, after the previews were over I leaned over to Kate and asked what movie we were seeing. Kate thinks this is hilarious, really I just like the previews to other movies so much I forget what we are there to see. Any way back to the movie ……. I really enjoyed it. 2 thumbs up from this peanut gallery. It had an interesting look at life, one I can only partially identify with. I am not ever going to be a beautiful black woman engaged to be married to a rich but abusive man. The best I can hope for is the ‘not bad looking white girl with the huge family to complicate matters”. There were things said and people in the movie that I did not know or completely understand….The end scene a gorgeous man came on the screen and the audience oooh’d and aaah’d. My friends and I, the only 3 white girls in the theater, were lost as to who this was. The lady in front had to lean over and tell me his name…which was lost on me as I still don’t know who he was, but he did look nice. ;) Some things, though, are universal. As I watched these women struggle with the past, present, and possible futures, I realized that things are hard all over. Things are never as they seem.
I also realized that among all my many complaints about my mother she did teach me a few basics…..
1. Family is family… are there for each other no matter the cost.
2. Family is work…..nothing worth it comes easy
And finally and most important
3. If a man I was dating or married to ever laid a hand on me or my children…….let’s just say ”Grit-ball” would be going easy on him.
You don’t hit me and you never ever hit my babies (be they 2, 20, or 40)…..ever!
So no matter the gripes or complaints I have regarding my mother she did teach me the important things, for which I will always be grateful.

Friday, February 24

I took a test.....

I took a test and here is the me they represent .....
Do you agree?

the Questioner
Test finished!
you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX.

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

  • Be direct and clear.
  • Listen to me carefully.
  • Don't judge me for my anxiety.
  • Work things through with me.
  • Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
  • Laugh and make jokes with me.
  • Gently push me toward new experiences.
  • Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Six

  • being committed and faithful to family and friends
  • being responsible and hardworking
  • being compassionate toward others
  • having intellect and wit
  • being a nonconformist
  • confronting danger bravely
  • being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Six

  • the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
  • procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
  • fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
  • exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
  • wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
  • being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Sixes as Children Often

  • are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn
  • are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger
  • form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent
  • look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel
  • are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Sixes as Parents

  • are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty
  • are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence
  • worry more than most that their children will get hurt
  • sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

Monday, February 20

The Dilemma of the Moment

A bit ago a friend posted on her blog a conversation about friends and flirting. I requested that she remove my name as the conversation we had was not for public interest. I did not want people to know that I was the one that was worried about the flirting. But now I am going to respond. In a desperate attempt not to gain any more emotional weight I am going to purge the thought here. So those that don’t want to read all my dirty little secrets skip this post please. If you will struggle looking me in the eye due to the fact that I have a whole lot of past sin, then I suggest you wait until the next post.

A little background:
I’ll start with the fact that I am one of those people with few friends, at least according to my definition. Those I number as friends can be counted on 1 hand. Now this is not to say I am not friendly with many people. But I count these as acquaintances. I have many of those. As my dad says these are probably people that would count me as their friend and would assume vice versa. I am more then willing to be a friend to anyone; As a matter of fact I have been confidant to many, and enjoy going out and playing with quite a few in the acquaintance category. But a friend in my book is one that I would feel comfortable calling in a bind or struggle. It is one that I could call when I am afraid or crying. There are very few of these. I was taught at an early age that those are weaknesses that can be used against you. And I try to give as few people as possible the keys to my destruction. It is uncomfortable for me….end of story. But those that I count as friends….suffice to say that I would do anything for them. As cheesy and trite as it sounds, I would go to the ends of the earth for them.

Recently my relationship with one of my friends was, well for lack of a better word, under attack. I was told by my family that it was inappropriate due to the fact that he is engaged to be married. Our relationship could not be kept platonic due to him being a man and me being a woman. There were harsh things said, my family has yet to recover from the argument. I defended my relationship with the knowledge that it wasn’t like that. We are friends, I would do anything he needed, but he would never be inappropriate with me that way. His fiancée (wife??…are you married yet?) is an amazing woman one that I look to as an example of goodness. I would never be inappropriate with him for many reasons. First, been there done that in my past, not fun and the cause of 20 pounds in emotional weight, no thanks! Secondly, I respect him and his fiancée way too much to ever even want to do that. Third, and in my mind most important, He is a friend and deserves all the happiness that this life has to offer. She can give that to him. I would not be any kind of friend if I tried to harm that relationship. I know all these things in my head and I tried to put the things that had been said by my family out of my head.

The Problem:
But recently someone else I count as friend commented on the relationship and termed it as flirting, only to be confirmed by yet another friend when questioned. (I have yet to ask the friend this is related to as he has too much on his plate right now) Now let’s look at the numbers, Out of the 5 people that I would count as my friends, 2 of them say that I am flirting with this gentleman. That is pretty damning evidence. One states that it is all a matter of definition and therefore nothing to worry about. I do not see things this way. In my book flirting is flirting and flirting with someone engaged or married is inappropriate. I just don’t see my relationship with this particular gentleman in that light. But the worry has set in and I can’t seem to get past it. Am I being inappropriate? I am not doing it intentionally, but is it happening anyway? Am I flirting unconsciously? Deep down do I have the intent to harm this relationship? How could I be that type of person? What do I do? Do I end all contact as was suggested by my family months ago? How do I go back to a relationship that is merely an acquaintance after a person becomes such a good friend? I have never done that, I do not know if I can. I do not know if I need to. But I do know that if I don’t find out the weight I have already gained is going to double.

The Conclusion:
Really there is no conclusion. That is why I am purging. I do not know what to do, I am struggling to figure out what to do and gaining weight faster than you can spit. I hate not knowing my own mind. I fear that what I think about myself is never the clear view. So I listen to the view of those that I count as friends, those that know who I am and why I do things. But as the scriptures state “By their works ye shall know them”; what do my works state of me? This is what I need to figure out.

Friday, February 17

The Holiday Weekend starts

The weekend has officially started. Steph got us out of work 45 minutes early, which means I got a ride instead of the bus. This is always a two sided bonus. On the one hand I was home before 5. On the other I didn’t get to walk. When I can convince myself to take the bus I remember how much I like it. I love listening to music and walking. I don’t require the attention of any one else. And I like it that way. Today would have been a good day to walk, I have been pondering change.
The definition reads as follows:

To cause to be different: change the spelling of a word.

To give a completely different form or appearance to; transform: changed the yard into a garden.

To exchange for or replace with another, usually of the same kind or category: change one's name; a light that changes colors.

To lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; switch: change methods; change sides.

To transfer from (one conveyance) to another: change planes.

There are many others but these definitions are unsettling to my mind. I am recognizing the beginnings of change in my life. Over the last year lots has changed. But it was changes I was comfortable with. They were changes I either expected or ones that I was happy about. The changes that are happening now are ones that I have not prepared for. This is uncomfortable. Oddly enough I am the one of my friends always touting that we should try something new. Go new places, try new foods (BTW I tried Sushi for the first time on Thursday, not just the California rolls either, the real stuff, I didn’t hate it, I didn’t love it, I will have to have it again. Now back to what I was saying) I am always the instigator of these things.

Reality is that I only try new things when I am comfortable with my surroundings. I love where I am living currently, I love my group of friends, but I am sensing shifts in the currents upon which I exist. Not bad ones. As a matter of fact these shifts are great for those involved, they are fabulous things, but I am selfish, I was enjoying this phase of my life. And I am seeing a future where this phase is ending. I do not like that. There is no point in whining. Change is constant and never-ending. If I haven’t gotten used to it by now, I had better learn quick. Lol! I thought I had learned this lesson, apparently I was wrong. Lol!
Now I am going to go and enjoy my 3 day weekend….Hope you do the same….Travel Safe Sheila and the Professor.

Wednesday, February 15

approaching the end......

The best feeling in the world is normal. At least that is what I am thinking tonight. I am recognizing that I am finally approaching the end of this self induced pity party that I have been on. Lol! Would you like to know how I know......I know you are just dying to understand. It is eating away at you. How does this chick figure out that her self induced depression is finally lifting? Yeah I can read your thoughts....maybe I am projecting...ya think. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. So how do I know? I cleaned my room. And when I say means you can see the floor again. It is too late to start the organization that still needs to be done (I have a box in the closet that hasn't been unpacked from the move last Aug. Lol!) but I finally started to get back to a semblance of normal. The bed is finally made with the sheets and blankets tucked in with hospital corners. The laundry that has been sitting on the floor is hanging nicely in the closet. Over the last few weeks only some of it got folded and piled on the floor…the rest was just piled out of the dryer…how do I live like that? The books I have bought over the last 6 weeks were added to the bookshelf or I should say they were added to the makeshift shelf on the floor as the actual shelf is over flowing. Lol! I walked home from the metro station today and enjoyed it. I loved the blue sky, the snow that has started melting, the runoff that is flowing down the driveways, I could go on. I skipped Institute tonight but have been listening to music and just being happy, whether I was cleaning or singing, or the 50 other things I did around the house tonight. It is a nice feeling. It will be a few more days before the funk completely wears off……but I am almost there.
And to add to the good mood of the evening my good friend Boo just called to invite me to see the Chinese New Year Show at The National Theatre. I am excited.

A very different emotion from the one I was experiencing at the last post……..what does that say about me…maybe it is not normal that is so mood lifting but Clean? Food for thought.

What to write......

So I want to write. I want to purge what ever thoughts are weighing me down. But I am not sure what to write. There are so many things that are running around in my head. But where do I start and what do I say. Maybe I should just say nothing. Maybe I should keep this light and airy...I can be good at that when I want to. I might not be a master at creating conversation, usually that takes work for me. I have become quite an artist at babbling about completely pointless things. This makes it easy for me to be shy with out any one knowing. I can pretend that I am out going by talking about some of the most inconsequential things and every thinks that I am just a chatter box. But it is babbling, not a conversation. There is a definite difference.

I went to FHE this week, and remembered how much I hate attending those things with out the posse. Kate and I talked about it afterward. It is just a “munch and mingle”, but it makes it forced socializing. There is so much pressure, especially since I hate walking up to a group and just joining in a conversation. That fear of rejection has never been stronger then those moments. Even tracting as a missionary didn’t cause me this much stress. Prior to moving out to DC I would attend these functions with a book in my pocket. Then I could read while who ever I was with socialized to their hearts content. As a matter of fact, that is how I spent my teenage years. There was many a family activity or outings with friends that I spent the time reading. I have always preferred to read to doing any thing else. When I wanted a break I could always join in. I also loved the ability it gave me to observe. As long as I had a book in my hand I could watch the interaction between those around me. I think this is the reason I always one of the first to know who was “hooking up” who among my friends. It is easy to spot if you are watching the small interactions. Lol!

I miss this part of my life. Since moving here I made the decision to be active in life not just sit and watch it. I must say that as fun as the activities can be, I miss who I used to be. There is a part of me that misses the quiet evenings spent in the pages of my books, the time I had to just pay attention to the quiet, to be in a group and just watch instead of participate. This was my reasoning for attending the Sunday football potlucks every week. It gave me the opportunity to be amidst the chaos and noise and not have to be apart of it. I need the background noise as much as I need not to be social. I do not know what I am going to do now that football is over. Where will I find a group that will allow me to read a book whilst they play? Groups always feel the need to include; they don’t realize that sometimes we don’t need to be included; sometimes we just want to watch.

Now I am complaining that I am too social. Can I get any whinier?

Just as a post script, I know I have an amazing life. One that is full of incredible people. My friends, family, and even acquaintances constantly bring insight into my life that I could never achieve on my own. I am constantly amazed at the many wonderful things that surround me. Therefore I am reduced to complaining that I am not the boring person who did nothing but work, take care of kids, and read books. How sad is that? Lol!

Sunday, February 12


Yeah.....It started snowing yesterday. And now there is about a foot of snow. It is gorgeous. The words "Its a Marshmellow world in the winter when the snow starts to cover the ground......" are skipping through my head. Though I realize that no one else knows this song. That is okay. Today I get to enjoy the Beauty that surrounds em with out having to deal with the cold that is there. Church was cancelled......Meaning I can stay inside in my pajamas all day long......I can sit in my bay window and just watch the wintery world.....I am so excited.

oops....Passage of time.

It is now Monday and my reflections of yesterday are as follows:

1) Snow is Beautiful.

2) 6 girls in one house is a lot

3) Snow is cold

4) 3 Movies in less then 24 hours is also alot

5) Tension is high when there are that many females in that small of a space.

6) I live with some great girls..............they are definatly individuals.

7) My roommates are really good cooks

8) I eat alot when I have nothing else to do

9) My roommates and I are rarely home all at the same time.

10) When we are home together it is never for this long of a period

11) After having nothing to do for that long...I was itching to get back to work!

So this is what I learned this weekend. I now have a different view on a few things. Good but different.

Friday, February 10

Back track.....

So a long time ago I got tagged and never followed up. So here you go. It is nothing monumental and those who know me probably know all of the answers. Lol!

Four Jobs I've Had:
1) Receptionist
2) Medical Receptionist
3)Customer Service Rep
4) Stand in Mommy

Four Places I've Lived:
1) Akron, Ohio
2) Hampton, NH
3) Rhyadh, Saudi Arabia
4) Provo, Utah

Four Movies I'd Watch Again:
1) Something New
2) Anne of Green Gables
3) Better Off Dead
4) The Family Stone

Four TV Shows I love to Watch:
1) Gilmore Girls
2) Extreme Makeover Home Edition
3) Will and Grace
4) House

Four of my Favorite Foods:
1) Cheese Enchiladas
2) Chips of any sort
3) Hummus
4) Steak

Four Places I'd rather be right now:
1) At home, Reading a book
2) On a beach some place warm, Reading a book
3) In the mountains somewhere, Reading a book
4) Greece
(I had to break up the trend, though to be honest I'd probably have a book in my purse)

So there you go. Unfortunately by tomorrow morning all of those answers will have changed. I am flighty and fickle. Lol!

Thursday, February 9


I read a book this week. I know something new. Lol!But it has caused much contemplation on various subjects. The book is titled Man and Boy by Tony Parsons. The Boston Herald states that it is "A funny yet penetrating look at divorce, parenthood, and generational conflict....the strength of Man and Boy lies in its plainspoken honesty." Now I am not recommending this book be read. Who knows if it is something you would enjoy. It made me laugh. It made me cry. It was interesting enough that I read it through the Super Bowl (this does not say much, I would have read soup can labels during the Super Bowl) and the last period of this week’s Caps game (a testament of how bad we were playing that day). There is profanity, there is adultery, and there are pearls of wisdom.....there is so much. So I have found a whole new set of literature. This is book was described as "guy-lit". This is a point of view I do not have.

There were many things that I took away from this book, but the one I want to write about today was the changing relationship of main character and his girlfriend’s daughter. Basic information needed:
Main Character: Harry; Son: Pat; Girlfriend: Cyd; Cyd's Daughter: Peggy.
Background story: Harry and Wife divorced, wife moved to Japan, left Pat with Harry. Harry met Cyd became friends then started dating. Pat met Peggy first day of school they become good friends. Due to Cyd's work schedule Peggy at Pat's house 4-5 days a week.

At one point in the story Harry ponders on the fact that the relationship between Harry and Peggy will never be like the one that he shares with Pat. That there is a awkwardness between children and their step-parents regardless of love. That in a positive relationship there is the desire for liking. Where as children have that innate desire to love and to feel loved by their biological parents, step parents don’t have that safety. When the relationship is good they want the children to like them. They want to be liked by the children. Harry states that he doesn’t know if he was to be Peggy’s friend or her father, if he was to be sweetness and light, or firm but fair. None of it felt right to him. And then follows the scene where Peggy’s dead beat dad comes to take her to the lunch. Peggy being 5 is extremely excited. It’s lunch with my Daddy, what could be more enjoyable? When Peggy returns with some huge stuffed animal, giddy with the memories of her day with Daddy, Harry recognizes that “you can’t compete with blood.”

And here is the major part of my contemplation of late. For those that don’t know, my parents divorced when I was 12. Both are remarried. Now my father, Mike, and I have a newer relationship. We are currently going on a year of constant contact. His wife is too close to my age (7 or 8 years older then me) for me to see her as any sort of parental figure. This caused problems when I was 14 and she was 22, not so much now that we are both older. We look at the relationship as friendly acquaintances with the possibility of becoming actual friends. She is a good woman an interesting outlook on life. My step-dad, Kent, is a completely different story. He and my mother were married when I was 12. He became my father figure. Mike was either across the country or out of the country There was spotty contact with us for many years. So Kent became my dad. I even wanted to change my name at one point. As I read I wondered what fears he had coming into a marriage that had 4 kids that he didn’t understand. There are still things he doesn’t understand, like how emotional we can get. This baffles him. I have watched him struggle between how he treats his kids and how he treats us. He tries. He loves us. That is all I can say. He is an amazing man who tries very hard to love all of his children. I love both of my fathers. I know they both love me. I now feel bad for the times as a child that I could not contain the excitement of seeing Mike (Yes I know this is silly). I remember Kent trying to help me with the pain and anger at what I perceived as “my fathers” unkindness. But I read and realized that the feelings of children are seen as an “either or”. In the book, Harry sees the love Peggy has for her father and is jealous of it and angry at said father’s neglect of it. Children seem to see in black and white and have to learn to guard their feelings. He is Daddy; he loves me and is coming to see me, why should I not tell the work how excited I am. What Harry has yet to learn is that as Peggy grew it could become something other than an “either or”. I love both of my fathers, I am grateful for the things that I have learned from them. I never want Kent to feel as if he takes a back seat to Mike. Kent is one of my heroes, for all of his faults; he is one of the best men I know. I would not have what little self esteem I have with out him. I would not have the desire for truth and knowledge with out him. I love him I don’t tell him that often enough. I think I will remind him today.

Monday, February 6

So I haven't written in a while. People are commenting that I am a slacker. While I admit that I could be termed a slacker, I can't fully blame it for my laziness in this instance. To tell the truth it is fear. For some reason, I am no longer able to pretend that no one reads my blog. For the most part I don’t know who does read it. This makes me extremely nervous. Now I worry about what to write....SO be patient while I get my....groove.......back. Lol!

Wednesday, February 1

Up late.....In Early

So last night was yet another stupid idea on my part. I tried the new Black Cherry and Vanilla Coke. Fortunately, I liked it. Unfortunately, I had it at around 8 pm and I drank all 20 ounces. Do you know what this means? Well to immune people, like my roommate Kate, it means absolutely nothing. But to those of us a little more susceptible to caffeine, it means a very long night. So I was up late, and then up early for work today. On a good note my hair is straight. And I got to talk to one of my older brothers for a bit. Other then that it was surf the net until I was finally tired. Then up at 6 for work, where I have 30 minutes to kill. No one has their blog up so I am stuck trying to figure out a blog topic for myself. The inspiration is not coming. I am sure I will have one later. Like, maybe, I will finally get around to responding to the tag from a couple of weeks ago. Maybe at lunch.