Monday, February 27
So the trial of my will power has come. I have purchased my own boxes, they are stored under my desk to be carefully transported home and frozen. These will be brought out for celebrations of various things…or those really bad days that you just need a cookie. But another co-worker of mine to be nice has set out a box of my favorite cookies (the Somoas) at the front desk.
For those that don’t actually know me; I work Front Office/HR for a computer company. Half of the week I sit at the front desk, our company stocks a candy jar and a gumball jar for our front desk. These do not tempt me. I can withstand all of the chocolate and sugar gumballs. But these cookies….chocolate, coconut, caramel, what can I say……I am not sure I can hold out. I have had my limit. 2! No more! No less! Now I just have to get through the next hour.
We’ll see ;)
Sunday, February 26
I also realized that among all my many complaints about my mother she did teach me a few basics…..
1. Family is family…..you are there for each other no matter the cost.
2. Family is work…..nothing worth it comes easy
And finally and most important
3. If a man I was dating or married to ever laid a hand on me or my children…….let’s just say ”Grit-ball” would be going easy on him.
You don’t hit me and you never ever hit my babies (be they 2, 20, or 40)…..ever!
So no matter the gripes or complaints I have regarding my mother she did teach me the important things, for which I will always be grateful.
Friday, February 24
Do you agree?
|you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX. |
"I am affectionate and skeptical"
Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.
How to Get Along with Me
What I Like About Being a Six
What's Hard About Being a Six
Sixes as Children Often
Sixes as Parents
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
The Enneagram Made Easy
Monday, February 20
A little background:
I’ll start with the fact that I am one of those people with few friends, at least according to my definition. Those I number as friends can be counted on 1 hand. Now this is not to say I am not friendly with many people. But I count these as acquaintances. I have many of those. As my dad says these are probably people that would count me as their friend and would assume vice versa. I am more then willing to be a friend to anyone; As a matter of fact I have been confidant to many, and enjoy going out and playing with quite a few in the acquaintance category. But a friend in my book is one that I would feel comfortable calling in a bind or struggle. It is one that I could call when I am afraid or crying. There are very few of these. I was taught at an early age that those are weaknesses that can be used against you. And I try to give as few people as possible the keys to my destruction. It is uncomfortable for me….end of story. But those that I count as friends….suffice to say that I would do anything for them. As cheesy and trite as it sounds, I would go to the ends of the earth for them.
Recently my relationship with one of my friends was, well for lack of a better word, under attack. I was told by my family that it was inappropriate due to the fact that he is engaged to be married. Our relationship could not be kept platonic due to him being a man and me being a woman. There were harsh things said, my family has yet to recover from the argument. I defended my relationship with the knowledge that it wasn’t like that. We are friends, I would do anything he needed, but he would never be inappropriate with me that way. His fiancée (wife??…are you married yet?) is an amazing woman one that I look to as an example of goodness. I would never be inappropriate with him for many reasons. First, been there done that in my past, not fun and the cause of 20 pounds in emotional weight, no thanks! Secondly, I respect him and his fiancée way too much to ever even want to do that. Third, and in my mind most important, He is a friend and deserves all the happiness that this life has to offer. She can give that to him. I would not be any kind of friend if I tried to harm that relationship. I know all these things in my head and I tried to put the things that had been said by my family out of my head.
But recently someone else I count as friend commented on the relationship and termed it as flirting, only to be confirmed by yet another friend when questioned. (I have yet to ask the friend this is related to as he has too much on his plate right now) Now let’s look at the numbers, Out of the 5 people that I would count as my friends, 2 of them say that I am flirting with this gentleman. That is pretty damning evidence. One states that it is all a matter of definition and therefore nothing to worry about. I do not see things this way. In my book flirting is flirting and flirting with someone engaged or married is inappropriate. I just don’t see my relationship with this particular gentleman in that light. But the worry has set in and I can’t seem to get past it. Am I being inappropriate? I am not doing it intentionally, but is it happening anyway? Am I flirting unconsciously? Deep down do I have the intent to harm this relationship? How could I be that type of person? What do I do? Do I end all contact as was suggested by my family months ago? How do I go back to a relationship that is merely an acquaintance after a person becomes such a good friend? I have never done that, I do not know if I can. I do not know if I need to. But I do know that if I don’t find out the weight I have already gained is going to double.
Really there is no conclusion. That is why I am purging. I do not know what to do, I am struggling to figure out what to do and gaining weight faster than you can spit. I hate not knowing my own mind. I fear that what I think about myself is never the clear view. So I listen to the view of those that I count as friends, those that know who I am and why I do things. But as the scriptures state “By their works ye shall know them”; what do my works state of me? This is what I need to figure out.
Friday, February 17
The definition reads as follows:
To cause to be different: change the spelling of a word.
To give a completely different form or appearance to; transform: changed the yard into a garden.
To exchange for or replace with another, usually of the same kind or category: change one's name; a light that changes colors.
To lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; switch: change methods; change sides.
To transfer from (one conveyance) to another: change planes.
There are many others but these definitions are unsettling to my mind. I am recognizing the beginnings of change in my life. Over the last year lots has changed. But it was changes I was comfortable with. They were changes I either expected or ones that I was happy about. The changes that are happening now are ones that I have not prepared for. This is uncomfortable. Oddly enough I am the one of my friends always touting that we should try something new. Go new places, try new foods (BTW I tried Sushi for the first time on Thursday, not just the California rolls either, the real stuff, I didn’t hate it, I didn’t love it, I will have to have it again. Now back to what I was saying) I am always the instigator of these things.
Reality is that I only try new things when I am comfortable with my surroundings. I love where I am living currently, I love my group of friends, but I am sensing shifts in the currents upon which I exist. Not bad ones. As a matter of fact these shifts are great for those involved, they are fabulous things, but I am selfish, I was enjoying this phase of my life. And I am seeing a future where this phase is ending. I do not like that. There is no point in whining. Change is constant and never-ending. If I haven’t gotten used to it by now, I had better learn quick. Lol! I thought I had learned this lesson, apparently I was wrong. Lol!
Now I am going to go and enjoy my 3 day weekend….Hope you do the same….Travel Safe Sheila and the Professor.
Wednesday, February 15
And to add to the good mood of the evening my good friend Boo just called to invite me to see the Chinese New Year Show at The National Theatre. I am excited.
A very different emotion from the one I was experiencing at the last post……..what does that say about me…maybe it is not normal that is so mood lifting but Clean? Food for thought.
I went to FHE this week, and remembered how much I hate attending those things with out the posse. Kate and I talked about it afterward. It is just a “munch and mingle”, but it makes it forced socializing. There is so much pressure, especially since I hate walking up to a group and just joining in a conversation. That fear of rejection has never been stronger then those moments. Even tracting as a missionary didn’t cause me this much stress. Prior to moving out to DC I would attend these functions with a book in my pocket. Then I could read while who ever I was with socialized to their hearts content. As a matter of fact, that is how I spent my teenage years. There was many a family activity or outings with friends that I spent the time reading. I have always preferred to read to doing any thing else. When I wanted a break I could always join in. I also loved the ability it gave me to observe. As long as I had a book in my hand I could watch the interaction between those around me. I think this is the reason I always one of the first to know who was “hooking up” who among my friends. It is easy to spot if you are watching the small interactions. Lol!
I miss this part of my life. Since moving here I made the decision to be active in life not just sit and watch it. I must say that as fun as the activities can be, I miss who I used to be. There is a part of me that misses the quiet evenings spent in the pages of my books, the time I had to just pay attention to the quiet, to be in a group and just watch instead of participate. This was my reasoning for attending the Sunday football potlucks every week. It gave me the opportunity to be amidst the chaos and noise and not have to be apart of it. I need the background noise as much as I need not to be social. I do not know what I am going to do now that football is over. Where will I find a group that will allow me to read a book whilst they play? Groups always feel the need to include; they don’t realize that sometimes we don’t need to be included; sometimes we just want to watch.
Now I am complaining that I am too social. Can I get any whinier?
Just as a post script, I know I have an amazing life. One that is full of incredible people. My friends, family, and even acquaintances constantly bring insight into my life that I could never achieve on my own. I am constantly amazed at the many wonderful things that surround me. Therefore I am reduced to complaining that I am not the boring person who did nothing but work, take care of kids, and read books. How sad is that? Lol!
Sunday, February 12
oops....Passage of time.
It is now Monday and my reflections of yesterday are as follows:
1) Snow is Beautiful.
2) 6 girls in one house is a lot
3) Snow is cold
4) 3 Movies in less then 24 hours is also alot
5) Tension is high when there are that many females in that small of a space.
6) I live with some great girls..............they are definatly individuals.
7) My roommates are really good cooks
8) I eat alot when I have nothing else to do
9) My roommates and I are rarely home all at the same time.
10) When we are home together it is never for this long of a period
11) After having nothing to do for that long...I was itching to get back to work!
So this is what I learned this weekend. I now have a different view on a few things. Good but different.
Friday, February 10
Four Jobs I've Had:
2) Medical Receptionist
3)Customer Service Rep
4) Stand in Mommy
Four Places I've Lived:
1) Akron, Ohio
2) Hampton, NH
3) Rhyadh, Saudi Arabia
4) Provo, Utah
Four Movies I'd Watch Again:
1) Something New
2) Anne of Green Gables
3) Better Off Dead
4) The Family Stone
Four TV Shows I love to Watch:
1) Gilmore Girls
2) Extreme Makeover Home Edition
3) Will and Grace
Four of my Favorite Foods:
1) Cheese Enchiladas
2) Chips of any sort
Four Places I'd rather be right now:
1) At home, Reading a book
2) On a beach some place warm, Reading a book
3) In the mountains somewhere, Reading a book
(I had to break up the trend, though to be honest I'd probably have a book in my purse)
So there you go. Unfortunately by tomorrow morning all of those answers will have changed. I am flighty and fickle. Lol!
Thursday, February 9
There were many things that I took away from this book, but the one I want to write about today was the changing relationship of main character and his girlfriend’s daughter. Basic information needed:
Main Character: Harry; Son: Pat; Girlfriend: Cyd; Cyd's Daughter: Peggy.
Background story: Harry and Wife divorced, wife moved to Japan, left Pat with Harry. Harry met Cyd became friends then started dating. Pat met Peggy first day of school they become good friends. Due to Cyd's work schedule Peggy at Pat's house 4-5 days a week.
At one point in the story Harry ponders on the fact that the relationship between Harry and Peggy will never be like the one that he shares with Pat. That there is a awkwardness between children and their step-parents regardless of love. That in a positive relationship there is the desire for liking. Where as children have that innate desire to love and to feel loved by their biological parents, step parents don’t have that safety. When the relationship is good they want the children to like them. They want to be liked by the children. Harry states that he doesn’t know if he was to be Peggy’s friend or her father, if he was to be sweetness and light, or firm but fair. None of it felt right to him. And then follows the scene where Peggy’s dead beat dad comes to take her to the lunch. Peggy being 5 is extremely excited. It’s lunch with my Daddy, what could be more enjoyable? When Peggy returns with some huge stuffed animal, giddy with the memories of her day with Daddy, Harry recognizes that “you can’t compete with blood.”
And here is the major part of my contemplation of late. For those that don’t know, my parents divorced when I was 12. Both are remarried. Now my father, Mike, and I have a newer relationship. We are currently going on a year of constant contact. His wife is too close to my age (7 or 8 years older then me) for me to see her as any sort of parental figure. This caused problems when I was 14 and she was 22, not so much now that we are both older. We look at the relationship as friendly acquaintances with the possibility of becoming actual friends. She is a good woman an interesting outlook on life. My step-dad, Kent, is a completely different story. He and my mother were married when I was 12. He became my father figure. Mike was either across the country or out of the country There was spotty contact with us for many years. So Kent became my dad. I even wanted to change my name at one point. As I read I wondered what fears he had coming into a marriage that had 4 kids that he didn’t understand. There are still things he doesn’t understand, like how emotional we can get. This baffles him. I have watched him struggle between how he treats his kids and how he treats us. He tries. He loves us. That is all I can say. He is an amazing man who tries very hard to love all of his children. I love both of my fathers. I know they both love me. I now feel bad for the times as a child that I could not contain the excitement of seeing Mike (Yes I know this is silly). I remember Kent trying to help me with the pain and anger at what I perceived as “my fathers” unkindness. But I read and realized that the feelings of children are seen as an “either or”. In the book, Harry sees the love Peggy has for her father and is jealous of it and angry at said father’s neglect of it. Children seem to see in black and white and have to learn to guard their feelings. He is Daddy; he loves me and is coming to see me, why should I not tell the work how excited I am. What Harry has yet to learn is that as Peggy grew it could become something other than an “either or”. I love both of my fathers, I am grateful for the things that I have learned from them. I never want Kent to feel as if he takes a back seat to Mike. Kent is one of my heroes, for all of his faults; he is one of the best men I know. I would not have what little self esteem I have with out him. I would not have the desire for truth and knowledge with out him. I love him I don’t tell him that often enough. I think I will remind him today.