Step-dads?

I read a book this week. I know something new. Lol!But it has caused much contemplation on various subjects. The book is titled Man and Boy by Tony Parsons. The Boston Herald states that it is "A funny yet penetrating look at divorce, parenthood, and generational conflict....the strength of Man and Boy lies in its plainspoken honesty." Now I am not recommending this book be read. Who knows if it is something you would enjoy. It made me laugh. It made me cry. It was interesting enough that I read it through the Super Bowl (this does not say much, I would have read soup can labels during the Super Bowl) and the last period of this week’s Caps game (a testament of how bad we were playing that day). There is profanity, there is adultery, and there are pearls of wisdom.....there is so much. So I have found a whole new set of literature. This is book was described as "guy-lit". This is a point of view I do not have.

There were many things that I took away from this book, but the one I want to write about today was the changing relationship of main character and his girlfriend’s daughter. Basic information needed:
Main Character: Harry; Son: Pat; Girlfriend: Cyd; Cyd's Daughter: Peggy.
Background story: Harry and Wife divorced, wife moved to Japan, left Pat with Harry. Harry met Cyd became friends then started dating. Pat met Peggy first day of school they become good friends. Due to Cyd's work schedule Peggy at Pat's house 4-5 days a week.

At one point in the story Harry ponders on the fact that the relationship between Harry and Peggy will never be like the one that he shares with Pat. That there is a awkwardness between children and their step-parents regardless of love. That in a positive relationship there is the desire for liking. Where as children have that innate desire to love and to feel loved by their biological parents, step parents don’t have that safety. When the relationship is good they want the children to like them. They want to be liked by the children. Harry states that he doesn’t know if he was to be Peggy’s friend or her father, if he was to be sweetness and light, or firm but fair. None of it felt right to him. And then follows the scene where Peggy’s dead beat dad comes to take her to the lunch. Peggy being 5 is extremely excited. It’s lunch with my Daddy, what could be more enjoyable? When Peggy returns with some huge stuffed animal, giddy with the memories of her day with Daddy, Harry recognizes that “you can’t compete with blood.”

And here is the major part of my contemplation of late. For those that don’t know, my parents divorced when I was 12. Both are remarried. Now my father, Mike, and I have a newer relationship. We are currently going on a year of constant contact. His wife is too close to my age (7 or 8 years older then me) for me to see her as any sort of parental figure. This caused problems when I was 14 and she was 22, not so much now that we are both older. We look at the relationship as friendly acquaintances with the possibility of becoming actual friends. She is a good woman an interesting outlook on life. My step-dad, Kent, is a completely different story. He and my mother were married when I was 12. He became my father figure. Mike was either across the country or out of the country There was spotty contact with us for many years. So Kent became my dad. I even wanted to change my name at one point. As I read I wondered what fears he had coming into a marriage that had 4 kids that he didn’t understand. There are still things he doesn’t understand, like how emotional we can get. This baffles him. I have watched him struggle between how he treats his kids and how he treats us. He tries. He loves us. That is all I can say. He is an amazing man who tries very hard to love all of his children. I love both of my fathers. I know they both love me. I now feel bad for the times as a child that I could not contain the excitement of seeing Mike (Yes I know this is silly). I remember Kent trying to help me with the pain and anger at what I perceived as “my fathers” unkindness. But I read and realized that the feelings of children are seen as an “either or”. In the book, Harry sees the love Peggy has for her father and is jealous of it and angry at said father’s neglect of it. Children seem to see in black and white and have to learn to guard their feelings. He is Daddy; he loves me and is coming to see me, why should I not tell the work how excited I am. What Harry has yet to learn is that as Peggy grew it could become something other than an “either or”. I love both of my fathers, I am grateful for the things that I have learned from them. I never want Kent to feel as if he takes a back seat to Mike. Kent is one of my heroes, for all of his faults; he is one of the best men I know. I would not have what little self esteem I have with out him. I would not have the desire for truth and knowledge with out him. I love him I don’t tell him that often enough. I think I will remind him today.