GRADUATION!! (Grad School)

Monday, October 31

Grumpiness sets in at the odd moments. I think my hormones are currently affected most by stupid boys. Which it shouldn't be. How many people are currently happy when they allow the actions of others to effect their own emotions? None!! The only way to be actually happy is to be in control of your own emotions.

Unfortunately for me I allow other people actions to effect me and get upset. Instead of talking about it I just get cranky. Then I am mad at myself for being cranky. What kind of cycle is that? So how to fix it. Well recognition is the first step. Now I just have to stop letting it happen. Stop feeling sorry for myself and get off my duff.

Let's see if this should work........

Sunday, October 30

I can't seem to figure out what is wrong with me. I am flying happy one minute and not the next. I would say I was in love but I know that is not the problem. There is nothing to be depressed about really. So what could it be?

Part could be self inflicted guilt. It comes unconciously at the oddest moments. I usually have to sit and think when it hits. That way at least I know what I am feeling guilty about this time. It is a trait that had been firmly engrained from childhood. If life was remotely uncomfortable then I must find the reason it was my fault. Add to that an empathetic nature and you have me. Some one who gets upset by the smallest things and feels the weight of fixing things because "she should be able to fix it".

Maybe that is the reason for my present funk. I hate when people are upset even slightly. Worse when logically there is nothing I can do about it. Because logic and my heart seldom see eye to eye. My heart wants everyone to be happy, my mind knows that is impossible. Too of my good friends are currently dealing with painful and frustrating "boy situations". This is not something I can fix. Mostly because I would have no clue where to start. But secondly becuse boys have free agency too. As much as we want the fairy tale the boy involved has to want a part of that.

Oh well I know how to fix it. Throw mysel into some sort of service and forget myself. You cannot last in a funk for too long if you are serving others. At least that is the way it has always worked in my world.

.........I just hope it works this time too..........

Saturday, October 29

Everything is better after a good night sleep. I am no longer mad that Ihad to go home withSW. It is over, it has no lasting effect on my past, present or future. So really why did I care in the first place.

After spending the morning reading from The Secret Lives of First Ladies I have realized that I am not doing enough to become the person I am meant to be. I spent last night dancing and learning moves to tempt men. I did nothing to better society. Not that some of the male population would be very happy to see some of the things I learned last night I doubt it is to the betterment of society. A friend of mine spent last night volunteering in a soup kitchen. A lot of my friends have been doing these things for most of there lives. Why do I not do these things?

Now, I understand that while raising 6 kids and working full time at the age of 23 there is not much time left for anything else. As a matter of fact there was no guilt that once a week I went to the movies and lunch with my best friend. Things are different now. My life focuses solely on me. I am not doing anything that would help others. I am very active in my church which gives me oppurtunities for service but I do not indulge in those oppurtunities as often as I could.

On the other hand there is a side of me that enjoyed last night immensely. I love dancing and the chance to have someone put there hands on me. I am one of those people who loves to be touched, and since I am not in a relationship right now that touching is missed.

Is it right........that is something I have to figure out.
Maybe I will find a place to volunteer while I make that determination.
I am mad tonight. So mad that I am blogging at 1:30 in the morning. Tonight I went to a party with friends. Not a first for me, I really enjoy these particular parties as I get to dance at them. I am learning to "club dance". Yeah I am 26 and have never been "clubbing". I like to dance and don't think I am half bad but that doesn't mean I am any good. And where better to find guys to practice on then the boys who have no idea what they are doing? Lol.

Tonight though after a fun time S, one of my best friends(who I had arrived with) asked SW to take me home. I know she was trying to be helpful but I had no desire to go home with SW tonight. I didn't want to have to deal with him. But she asked and he ok'd and therefore I went home with him. Early. I had a good couple of hours left in me but he was tired and so we left. To top it off another girl carpooled with him and so she was with us. Normally I wouldn't mind but this girl and I are NOT friends. And I mean NOT friends. She is the ex best friend of one of my best friends. Being a girl I am required to take sides. I of course back up my friend in this. That is what best friends are for. So here I am sitting in a car with the 2 people I have the least desire to be with. Grrrr.......

And I know my friend S did it on purpose. So how do you get out of such a situation. I couldn't turn him down as my ride had asked him to take care of me. I couldn't get mad at her becuase she thought she was being helpful and giving us "time". Not that I wanted that, but she didn't check with me first. I can make my own alone time.

Do I call her and tell her that I am mad at her? If so how do I do this so it doesn't hurt her feelings? Oh well. I guess I will just sleep off the mad. My thigh muscles are going to hate me tomorrow, anyway.

Good Night.

Tuesday, October 25

Today is turning into one of those days. I slept in, I have a head cold, and I have already exploded 2 carbonated beverages on myself while stocking uor company fridges. Grrrrr.........
It looks to be one of those days. Possible also because I am feeling slightly guilty.
I have been rather down on myself lately and Saturday I went out with some friends. One of them being SW. SW and I have a little history. There was a possibility of us dating at one time but I had taken a 6 month break from dating. (It's been 2 months now) SW is amazing at many things. One of those tings being making out. It is really enjoyable. BUT as fun as that is I am not feeling anything more for him. So Saturday when we finished with the movie I finagled an invitation back to SW's house. See I did it on purpose I wanted to kiss and cuddle. I wanted to feel wanted. And I knew SW would make me feel that way. So I worked my way into an invite knowing that if it was just the 2 of us then there would!
AND it was. But it was just for fun on my part and I thought he knew that. But when he dropped me off that night he said he would respect my 6 month rule and wait if I still wanted to do that. I said I did and got out of the car. Now the girl is me has been analyzing and thinking over everything. It's killing me. I am not interested in him that way. Yeah there is a little spark. He is sweet nice and kind(my mother would love him) but I don't see this going anywhere.

Too make matters worse I felt horrible yesterday so I ended up at his house again! This time he made me soup, turned on a movie and cuddled up with me. . How much better could it be. He rubbed my back and palyed with my hair.....and let me sneeze and cough and sleep. I felt extremely unattractive and he repeatedly told me that was not how it was. I honestly could have just speant the night that way. But he took me home--which was good because he needed sleep too. ;) And now I am still in the same predicament as before. I have never felt more taken care of...... But it is not who I want to take care of me. Am I that shallow? Apparently.

And there lies the guilt............
I have become one of those girls that will makeout with some one just to make herself feel better. I have allowed a guy to think that there is a possibility when I don't believe that there is one. WHat kind of girl am I. How could I be so callous? If a guy had done this to me or one of my friends I would have been horrible to him. How am I supposed to treat myself then?

Dilemmas all around........

Thursday, October 13

Wow, Apparently I am psychic. Talk about a change today...........

Yet another first for me.........I got fired. This has never happened. I have never left a job for any other reason then I was ready. I am not sure how to feel about this. I mean really I am sure I could have been more open and pleasant with my employer. But really I call life as I see it, if that doesn't set the appropriate "tone" for your office get someone else to lick boots. That will never be in my job description.

I was shocked for a bit. Then I was upset and hurt. (Talk about a self esteem hit) Then I got mad. I mean, come on. Of course I am not perfect but the reasons for firing me didn't quite make sense to me. I am going to have to chalk it up to personality conflict.

Which is another first..................of course as a teenager I had a lot of what we can call "personality conflicts". But as an adult you have passed the stage of learning to play well with others. I have learned to get along with just about everyone. I have not had a clash of real personalities since my mission. I mean yes there are people I don't think I get along with but even those people think we are great friends. I am never dishonest I just hate to hurt peoples feelings or embarrass them. There for I go out of my way to make sure I don't do that to others. I usually don't have a problem finding ways to say things that are polite and kind with out having to lie. Apparently that was not enough for this employer. I refuse to lie to people though. If I don't know the answer, I will say I don't know but let me see what I can find out. If we can't fit you in the schedule, I will say he has a full schedule but let me see what I can do. I don't care if you are a supreme court judge, a high priced attorney, or any other big wig, that does not give you the right to belittle people or be rude. I do for you just as much as I would do for any one else. Which is every thing with in my power. If that is too much then get out of my way and let me get on with my life.

On a good note I get to start a new/ old job tomorrow. When I quit my last job to take this new one I helped my good friend S get my job. I knew she would be good at it and felt really good about this decision. I knew it was what I was supposed to do. So when I lost my job this morning I went to see S. Being the good friend that she is she mentioned my problem to K in Human Resources and they offered me a part time position doing what I used to do. Freeing up S to cover in HR(which she prefers) and leaving the phones to me (Which I prefer). I start back for them tomorrow. With the possibility of going full time with them again.

So.........why the need to go to the other job? Maybe this is where S needed to be and it was the only way to get her here. Maybe I needed to learn how this rejection felt. Maybe I needed to learn that I am darn good at my job. Because as many complaints as I received from good ol Dr H. I got twice as many compliments when my old job asked me back. Maybe I needed to learn that life is not going to go the way I always expect it to. Only the Lord knows why, and I trust Him. That is not something I doubt. Yet again I have felt that the Lord is looking out for me. My sisters called me to check on me a matter of minutes after I lost my job. I also had talked to S and my best friend M with in thirty minutes of losing my job. I am realizing that I have quite a network of friends and family who love and care about me. I know the Lord knew I needed to hear from them today. So I am grateful for their calls and the reminder.

I guess it's the little things that count!!! ;)
Do you ever notice that the moment you get accustomed to your life the world around you changes.
I finally got used to my crazy routine these days only to have it slow down and change. Life slowed; work got crazy busy and I try to keep up with it all. I wonder if there will ever be a time in which life stays constant and I enjoy that. I like change, to an extent. I love to try new things and places. I enjoy when things change as long as I can find my footing in the new reality. It is when I am so far out of my realm of experience and I look like a fool that I dislike change.
So some day maybe there will come a time when life does not have a new thing every day. Will I enjoy it?
I think that is what might happen in some marriages. I think that you can get stuck in the same routine day in and day out as you deal with husband and kids and school and home and cooking and grocery shopping and.............need I go on? I think that even though you are doing so much all of the time none of it is new. And for those of us with short attention spans this gets old real fast. Maybe that is why you find things in our culture like bored housewives wanting a divorce or an affair or anything to change the drudgery. This is one of my greatest fears. I know I get bored easy. What happens should I actually fall in love (heaven forbid) and marry (heaven forbid)! Ack! Three years down the road am I going to be bored out of my mind trying to find ways to introduce a little change? Three months down the road?

Life is so uncertain how does anyone keep up with it?

Tuesday, October 11

So much has happened that I don't know where to begin.

When I moved into the "Big Bad City" I made a goal to never pass up the opportunity to try something new. Well this weekends "new thing" was White Water Rafting. I had gone with a church group when I was 14 or 15 but the memory is dim but I remember swimming a whole lot. So This was a first as in one I would remember and one I had to actually work on. This was not some wimpy guided rafting trip where you sit in the middle of the boat and get chauffeured around. No this river had 6 Class 5+ rapids, one being a falls with a 12 foot drop, which our guide kindly put me in the front of the raft for!! :0

I loved it. I have never had such an adrenaline rush in my life. After a night of camping in the rain and a cold and muggy morning I was sure I was going to hate the whole trip. But no. I had a blast. I would go again in a heart beat. I can't describe how fun it is to roller coaster over the smaller rapids or paddle your butt off and push through one of the huge ones. Then to turn and look behind you and see what you accomplished, the feeling is amazing. I loved getting dumped out of the boat for the most part. I ended up in the water 8 times. 5 were involuntary on my part and only the last one scared me. I ended up trapped under the boat, it was less then a minute but enough time to worry. Twice I jumped ship and swam down the rapids on my own; just little ones though. And the last time out of the boat I got the opportunity to go cliff jumping off a 15 foot cliff.
I can honestly say I would love to do this again. Maybe not to soon as it is cold out side but again in the future would be nice. :)

Thursday, October 6

Today I am antsy.........I can't sit still. I do not have to work tomorrow. I am headed to West Virginia to go white water rafting on the Gauley River. But that is tomorrow and today is stretching out before me. I can't focus on one thing, I swear the ADHD is driving everyone crazy. Not just me.

Last Night I went to the season opener of the NHL. For the first time in NHL History all 30 teams played on the same night. I figure all the players were so desperate to play that they wanted to play the first night they could.

It was a good game. I watched our local Washington Capitols squash the Columbus Blue Jackets. Well maybe not squash but we won and that is all that mattered. My only problem with the game was that there was not a single throw down of the gloves. What kind of hockey is that. I will admit to there being a couple of interesting and suspenseful moments. As a matter of fact I hope I get to go to another game sometime. I look forward to the rest of the season.

Wednesday, October 5

Thoughts are already turning to the Holidays. My family is huge and therefore we have to plan everything in advance. There are people living in 5 different states and so all planning can be done via email. This takes the arguing out of the equation. It allows those that are not speaking to each other to be included in all emails without actually communicating each other.

Right now we are already planning Christmas dinner. I am not going to be attending this year as I have neither the time nor money to fly across the country. I have yet to decide if this is a terrible faux pas on my part. Should I be traveling home to spend 2 short days with my family? Just so I could say I was there for the holiday. To hear the thumps and crashes of Christmas morning. Which, might I add, are no longer the wonderful ritual of times past. To endure the questioning of acquaintances. "Did the boy you are dating come with you? You are dating someone, right?" "When are you planning your wedding?" "Are you going to be moving back to Utah soon?" "Why do you want to live out there in DC anyway?" "How much weight have you lost(OR gained if my mother is asking) since we last saw you?" I swear, some of these women think that I enjoy nothing more then to hear how they believe I should be living my life. Like I don't know that I am single. Obviously, the fact that I do not have someone that to cook, clean, and apparently live for has somehow escaped my notice.

So I am skipping the family rituals and questions this year and staying home in Virginia. I am going to enjoy the time to myself as roommates head off to family activities.

And then.................. I will cry as I miss my own family dreadfully.
Isn't that just like a girl. :)

Tuesday, October 4

Melancholy can't keep this girl down for too long. I am so excited today. I have Friday AND Monday off! I am going white water rafting on the Gourley river this weekend. The excitement can barely keep me in my seat here at the office. I am so antsy and it is only Tuesday. How will I survive the rest of the week.
Life is good. I have good friends who make sure I am busy. Hockey season officially opens tomorrow. AND I have a weekend on the river to boost moral. Who has time to worry about anything or ponder the thoughts of the universe.
Speaking of friends keeping me busy, last night I saw the movie The Greatest Game Ever Played. Loved it!! I was amazed at how they can take such a boring sport to watch and have the audience on the edge of their seats in anticipation. At the end of the movie I was tempted to go watch a real live game of golf!! But I think what pulled me in the most was the background of the players. Peoples past tends to shape their reaction to events. In this movie they used those backgrounds to create characters that were worth rooting for. On both sides. Really I didn't know who I wanted to win more as they both were equally deserving of the cup! Ok that is not completely true as I was more then willing to think "down with the English Aristocracy". But we were supposed to think that. I figure that is what makes a die hard fan. It is not so much what sport they are watching as the people/team who is playing. It is the history and background of team and/or players that makes them want to cheer for them even when it is obvious that they are going to lose.

Well that is enough of my ramblings for today. I can't seem to stay on a topic as I am to excited to stay focused!!!!

Monday, October 3

The meloncholy seems to be dragging on. I am doing well really but between having to see boys that just want to be friends and little brothers beg for me to move back home life has become sad.
I never know how to handle my younger brothers. For all intents and purposes I have raised Lukas since he was born. He was born the month I graduated high school and mom was not well. Shortly there after my mothers mother died and things went down hill rather quickly. Between the time Lukas was born and last August; there was probably a total of 10 months that I was not with him on a daily basis. So now I struggle with the role that I have in his life. I try to treat him as a younger brother but I was his mother for so long that the move cross country has been difficult. Every weekend I call and talk to him and struggle when he asks if I am coming home. Last night he asked if I could quit my job and find one in Utah allowing me to live there with him. He is upset that I am not coming for Christmas. My mother has decided that she doesn't want him to come and visit me so that is not an option either. I am out of ideas here. I know that this is not my problem and that I should let it go but I worry. When don' t I worry.