GRADUATION!! (Grad School)

Tuesday, October 25

Today is turning into one of those days. I slept in, I have a head cold, and I have already exploded 2 carbonated beverages on myself while stocking uor company fridges. Grrrrr.........
It looks to be one of those days. Possible also because I am feeling slightly guilty.
I have been rather down on myself lately and Saturday I went out with some friends. One of them being SW. SW and I have a little history. There was a possibility of us dating at one time but I had taken a 6 month break from dating. (It's been 2 months now) SW is amazing at many things. One of those tings being making out. It is really enjoyable. BUT as fun as that is I am not feeling anything more for him. So Saturday when we finished with the movie I finagled an invitation back to SW's house. See I did it on purpose I wanted to kiss and cuddle. I wanted to feel wanted. And I knew SW would make me feel that way. So I worked my way into an invite knowing that if it was just the 2 of us then there would!
AND it was. But it was just for fun on my part and I thought he knew that. But when he dropped me off that night he said he would respect my 6 month rule and wait if I still wanted to do that. I said I did and got out of the car. Now the girl is me has been analyzing and thinking over everything. It's killing me. I am not interested in him that way. Yeah there is a little spark. He is sweet nice and kind(my mother would love him) but I don't see this going anywhere.

Too make matters worse I felt horrible yesterday so I ended up at his house again! This time he made me soup, turned on a movie and cuddled up with me. . How much better could it be. He rubbed my back and palyed with my hair.....and let me sneeze and cough and sleep. I felt extremely unattractive and he repeatedly told me that was not how it was. I honestly could have just speant the night that way. But he took me home--which was good because he needed sleep too. ;) And now I am still in the same predicament as before. I have never felt more taken care of...... But it is not who I want to take care of me. Am I that shallow? Apparently.

And there lies the guilt............
I have become one of those girls that will makeout with some one just to make herself feel better. I have allowed a guy to think that there is a possibility when I don't believe that there is one. WHat kind of girl am I. How could I be so callous? If a guy had done this to me or one of my friends I would have been horrible to him. How am I supposed to treat myself then?

Dilemmas all around........

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