GRADUATION!! (Grad School)

Tuesday, November 29

I do not want to be working today. Therefore I am going to take a moment here and purge the thoughts. The mood apparently carried over today.

Steph says it is the "end of a relationship" blues. I say there was no relationship, except for what I had created in my head, therefore I should have no blues. It is never fun to find out that you live in a fantasy. I blogged a bit ago about the house of cards. It is amazing how no matter the reality you continually try to shore up the sides of your flimsy little house. Why do we do this? Maybe it is the fear of not having a house.......

I wanted to be happy today. I don't like not being happy. My sister has always said that happiness is a state of mind that you can change according to your desire. I do not agree with this. I think sometimes you are going to be sad. I think I will wallow tonight. Watch an episode of Gilmore Girls and eat....I don't know.....Ice cream or something. Maybe this time I will move on. Ya think?
Life will get better, all of the platitudes say it will.
Tomorrow will be a happy blog if I have something. Who knows what? Lol!

Monday, November 28

Moods are funny things...I have been in the epitome of a Bitchy Mood. Not that most people can tell. I think I hide it rather well. Yes my words have more of a bite. My temper is a little touchy but I have yet to go off on anyone yet. There has been no explosions that used to mark the "bad days" of my past. I guess it is all part of growing up. As I get older I realize that things are never as bad as they seem, people deserve more patience, and life is meant to be enjoyed.

This last week I went to see the musical Rent. I cannot suggest such a movie to any one. The drug use is in your face, the homosexuality is not disguised at all. Being the "Utah-Mormon" Girl that I am, I thought I would have more of a problem with these things. But really I didn't. I loved this. I loved the music. I loved the story. I paid full price twice to see it. And would see it again. Most of my friends had problems with this movie in some way or another. One just flat out hated it.
As I pondered this I realized that I believe very firmly in the choices of all people. As I have lived away from my family I have examined my beliefs and either strengthened or discarded them. This is one belief that is a base to all of the rest of my beliefs:
We are here to choose. No one has the right to take away that choice in any way, shape, or form. We must all suffer from the consequences of others unfortunate choices. But that does not give us the right to take away their freedom of choice. Yes, you can pull out the extreme situations all you want. It won't change my mind. It is all about the freedom to choose. Let everyone have it.

Steph is waiting for me, so I must go. I apologize for the rush and spelling errors. Hopefully this all transfers to print. Maybe it is just fuzzy thoughts in my head.........LOL!

Tuesday, November 22

It has been a hard couple of days. The friend I upset has in turn hurt me. The thought turn about is fair play comes to mind, but I do not believe that was his intention. I do not know what I think. Everyone tells me to stop keeping my thoughts to myself but to share them. Should I do that I can not edit the thoughts. This leads to one of two conclusions. First being that someone gets hurt. This is abhorrent to me. As angry as I get the thought of causing hurt to someone else makes my heart hurt. The second conclusion is that it leaves me more open and vulnerable. I dislike this idea almost as much. Weakness is never allowed. I have learned from experience that any sign of weakness can and is used against you. So you must never show any. Crying in front of people is a major no. Lack of Knowledge also major no(though I have overcome that for the most part).

So now to the reason for this blog. I got my feelings hurt this weekend. I felt that I was lied to. Was I? I believe so, What I was told was something different then what was going on. Then come to find a duplicitous character behind it. Was he? I do not know. I am learning there is a side of this person that I do not know. Trusting has never been easy for me, especially once that trust has been broken. How do I not go and question what was said to me. Especially now that I know one was false. How do I trust when he tells me that he thinks the world of me. Or that he thinks I am smart, or pretty, or interesting........should I continue. I fear that I am just some hick girl that falls for all the lines some man will feed me. Why do I fear this? Because I have before. I was the idiot that fell for the wrong guy, I was the fool that allowed her heart to get stomped on. It took me years to recover. So now I fear it happening again. History repeating itself and all that.

Yesterday I sat with one of my best friends and just let the tears flow, hoping it would be cleansing. It wasn't; it left me empty. My heart hurts. My head hurts. To top it off I think I made things worse by my comments today. I was not nice. I never am when I feel a fool, and nothing makes this girl feel more foolish then trusting the wrong man.
But did I trust the wrong man?
Is it over?
Do I want it to be?
What do I want?
What do I need?
Someone else?

I wish I could talk to him....then maybe I could find the answers to my questions.

Friday, November 18

Today I upset a good friend. I hate that.

It started out such a nice day. I was really happy this morning. It is Friday and I am looking forward to Harry Potter tonight. By Noon I was on my lunch hour crying to my best friend who is 2000 miles away in Utah.(Which I hate even more, crying in public is for sissies!!!)

What happend, you ask. I ask it myself. I was chatting with a friend, realizing that the reality I had created was made out of cards. I took one slight breath and it came crashing down. I hate that. I was happy in my house of cards. Unfortunately One cannot live in the real world in a house of cards. Therefore we will pick up the hopes that had barely begun to form and move on.
That is what life is all about. Moving on. Adjusting to the reality around you and finding our place in it.
What if I want a different place? How do I adjust? Do I just wait till it comes about? Where do I find the reality I want? Does everyone ponder these?

I sure do.........

Saturday, November 12

I am in big trouble. I do not know what to do with my life. I am terrified of messing it up. But isn't everybody?
So here is today's Problem........remember a few weeks back SW and I cooled things off. It would have helped to have told our hormones. Last night was nice. I ended up spending the night at his house. As a matter of fact I sit here at 11:20 in the morning still in HIS pajamas. I didn't have anything else to wear last night. They are pretty comfy, just in case you were wondering. There is just something about wearing a mans clothes. Now I am a Mormon girl so that means there were a few boundary lines that were not crossed but it was a pretty close thing. What am I going to do with him? He has talent in this area. But I figure if I can still think in the middle of it then, I am not doing something right. Or maybe it was when I was actually happy to fall asleep.

There it is, there is the epiphany I was looking for. That is what I want right now. AND here is the reason I write all of this down. It empties my brain so I can figure out want I want. I like kissing and everything else that was done last night. BUT.....what I wanted was to be held and cuddled and coddled. I just wanted to be touched. Get your mind out of the gutter. Though that touching is nice too, last night I just wanted to be held. And I knew the price I had to pay to get it. I wanted someone to curl up and fall asleep with I did what he wanted(and I enjoyed it for the most part) to get what I wanted. It makes it sound do cold and harsh.

Does everyone act this way on some level? There are men I am more interested in then SW but I can't get from them what I can get from him. Am I willing to continue to pay the price? Is the price worth it?
Maybe that is next weeks epiphany.

Sunday, November 6

Contemplation abounded today. After a lazy morning(which means I slept till 9) I got up to realize that my body was so sore that I immediately retired to the couch for the morning. TV is very boring though and I got ambitious. The upstairs needed cleaning and it became my project. There followed a bout of sweeping and mopping and dishes and cleaning. After finishing I was invited to the first part of my contemplative afternoon.
I joined a group of roommates and their friends to attend the spy museum in the district. Now as a small side note I do not play well with others when it comes to museums and such. I want crowds to be small and exhibits to be enjoyed at my own speed. Therefore shortly after we arrived at the crowded museum I lost sight of my companions. I found them again at the end but essentially didn't speak to anyone for the 2 hours I was in the museum itself.....I loved it. The spy museum is one that requires much contemplation. I have decided that I would be a horrible spy. I do not lie well and even though I think I work well under pressure. I do not think I could work well under that kind of pressure. But it is incredible the things that have been accomplished by networks of spies. I can see why people get so paranoid. Why they worry that "big Brother" is watching. There is a museum devoted to the entire occupation. It was interesting to me to see the reasoning behind certain peoples choice of occupation. How they justify turning against there country. I am extremely loyal to the United States and therefore cannot imagine ever doing such a thing. But then I am extremely blessed to be a citizen of this country. Would I feel as loyal to "my" country had I been born into one that doesn't allow women, or even all the people, the freedoms that I take for granted?

After that I went to dinner and a movie with yet another roommate(I have 5 of them). We enjoyed terrible service at the local Cheesecake factory. The delicious Dulce De Leche Caramel Cheesecake I had at the end almost made up for the horrible service. Almost. But then we went to the movie called Good Night, Good Luck. Interestingly this followed the theme of the afternoon, as it was about the McCarthy era. I am too young to have been alive for this time. I have never understood the thinking that was had at this time in American History. It seems more akin to the Witch Trials of Salem. As I watched this film it gave me more of a look at what the world must have seemed like. I really enjoyed it. It was a black and white film directed by George Clooney. I realized that the life that I lead is possible because of the men and women who stood for freedom.
Not men who stood for their personal idea of freedom and rights. There are those I know that have this view. The world is very black and white. There is right and wrong. Their way is right and all others are wrong. Their personal job is to inform everyone else that they are wrong. I do not agree with this line of thinking. I believe that everyone has a right to his or her personal opinion. Just as I have the right to choose for myself, so does everyone else. I think that is the foundation of all of my opinions. That every individual has the right to choose for himself how he wants to act. There are of course going to be consequences for his actions(sometimes even legal ones for the good of everyone) but he or she has the right to that decision. I have no right to ever tell any one that they can or cannot think or act in certain way. I do not like to have people tell me what I can and can't do, therefore why impose upon others. Of course there are exceptions....Things like minors that are still learning right and wrong and those that are endangering other people. But on the whole the whole point of this earth life is freedom of choice. That is what the war in heaven was all about. Freedom to choose. That is what we are here to learn. We are here to learn to make right choices with that freedom. It is a daily battle between us and the natural man......
Sometimes we win........
Sometimes we lose........

How did I do today?

Friday, November 4

Today was exhausting.

I started the day realizing it was going to be a gorgeous autumn day. Then I realized that I would not get the opportunity to enjoy any of it. My office finished phase 3 out of 4 phases today. Essentially that means it is 11:50 pm and I am still at work. We have finished and I need to dump my brain so that I can go home and crash.
Moving always makes me a little home sick. We did it alot growing up. When I was very small I think we spent max of 3 years in one place. I got to the point where I loved it. Even after my parents were divorced Mom had us changing rooms every couple of months. It becomes a habit. I move frequently now. In the last 11 months I have been in 3 places. I tell people that I just "haven't found the 'right' place" but in reality I am not a permanent person. It is easier to think about things in the short term. Must be my fear of commitment coming out.

Wow, I am all over the place tonight. I had better go and check out S's new office. She is really excited. Then I am on my way home.....

Tuesday, November 1

Life is interesting. Always. Do you never notice that everyone has different reactions to everything. That is why the world continues to turn.

But every so often you run in to a situation where you respond the same way as your best friend and you understand all of the sudden. I got in a tiff with S yesterday. It was nothing really. I got jealous. In my head I realized I was in the wrong and I stopped talking, so as not to be snarky about it. But she took that and I was flying off the handle pissed.

This has happened in the reverse with her in the past. There is a guy that she introduced me to, that she tends to get jealous over. I never understood the process in her mind. Now I do and I don't know what to do about it.

We ended up talking about it but nothing was resolved. So what do I do? Wait 7-10 days till my hormones are back to normal, I guess.

Sometimes I hate being a girl.............