GRADUATION!! (Grad School)

Tuesday, November 22

It has been a hard couple of days. The friend I upset has in turn hurt me. The thought turn about is fair play comes to mind, but I do not believe that was his intention. I do not know what I think. Everyone tells me to stop keeping my thoughts to myself but to share them. Should I do that I can not edit the thoughts. This leads to one of two conclusions. First being that someone gets hurt. This is abhorrent to me. As angry as I get the thought of causing hurt to someone else makes my heart hurt. The second conclusion is that it leaves me more open and vulnerable. I dislike this idea almost as much. Weakness is never allowed. I have learned from experience that any sign of weakness can and is used against you. So you must never show any. Crying in front of people is a major no. Lack of Knowledge also major no(though I have overcome that for the most part).

So now to the reason for this blog. I got my feelings hurt this weekend. I felt that I was lied to. Was I? I believe so, What I was told was something different then what was going on. Then come to find a duplicitous character behind it. Was he? I do not know. I am learning there is a side of this person that I do not know. Trusting has never been easy for me, especially once that trust has been broken. How do I not go and question what was said to me. Especially now that I know one was false. How do I trust when he tells me that he thinks the world of me. Or that he thinks I am smart, or pretty, or interesting........should I continue. I fear that I am just some hick girl that falls for all the lines some man will feed me. Why do I fear this? Because I have before. I was the idiot that fell for the wrong guy, I was the fool that allowed her heart to get stomped on. It took me years to recover. So now I fear it happening again. History repeating itself and all that.

Yesterday I sat with one of my best friends and just let the tears flow, hoping it would be cleansing. It wasn't; it left me empty. My heart hurts. My head hurts. To top it off I think I made things worse by my comments today. I was not nice. I never am when I feel a fool, and nothing makes this girl feel more foolish then trusting the wrong man.
But did I trust the wrong man?
Is it over?
Do I want it to be?
What do I want?
What do I need?
Someone else?

I wish I could talk to him....then maybe I could find the answers to my questions.

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