Sunday, May 21
Thursday, May 18
Sad as that is that is, it’s not my reason for blogging tonight. One thing he said really struck me. He told me that he explained to another sister why he could talk to me. He said something to the effect that I understood him and would not judge him. Therefore he could always tell me what was going on and never be afraid that I would love him any less. I realize that I can and do play this role with many members of my family. I talk to most of them often, as a matter of fact, in the last week; I have spoken with a sister-in-law, 2 sisters, 4 brothers, my grandmother, my mother, and both of my dads. 11 people with at least 30 minutes if not more than an hour for each conversation. That is just 5 days. Can you imagine how much I talk to in a month? I usually talk to every person in my family every month (excluding nieces). Some of them I talk to more then once. And now you know why I have so many minutes and unlimited text messages.
This is the role that I am meant to play. A long time ago there was a blessing given that stated I needed to help hold my family together. I was to be the glue. I have had a very difficult time reconciling living in another state and “being the glue” for my family. But I realized today that I do not always have to be in the same house or even the same state for every member of my family to know that they are an important part. I am still pondering moving home. It is not something I want to do, the cycle that it leads to can be very detrimental to me. BUT…….this is part of who I am and who I will always be. Not every one will understand if I choose to move home. My family plays a significant role in my life; I doubt there will ever be a time when they don’t. It’s not something I can explain except to say that there are some things that you can’t understand unless you live through them, and we have lived through them together. The chaos, drama, and madness can be in an odd way comforting to me. There is no world without them, maybe it’s because there are enough of them to populate the world. But maybe, just maybe, it’s because they have always been my world and with out them, I am a little lost.
Some of the choas:
Oh and the newest last month:
Plus 2 more adults I don't even have a photo of! When I said chaos, I really meant it. ;)
Monday, May 15
I had an interesting conversation with my step-father Kent yesterday. I had called home to talk to my mother for Mother’s Day only to find that she was still at church. So I talked to my dad for quite awhile. My parents divorced when I was 11 and Mom and Kent remarried shortly there after. He is the father who was in charge of my rebellious teenage years. He is the father who would give the monthly interviews to make sure I was on track spiritually, emotionally, and socially. I won’t say he is perfect but he is one of the men I am most grateful for in my life. We talked of various things. For the first time in over a year I had one of our old interviews. I was able to ask a few pertinent questions myself. But what struck me the most was a comment he made partially in jest. He asked me if I was done blossoming out here in DC so that I could come home, because he could use the help.
I know this was not done to guilt trip me in any way. He could use the help; my family has always been a chaotic mess, and this was his way of letting me know that he would welcome any help I could offer. I have been in the role before; therefore he was slightly teasing me about it. But there was an underlying current of seriousness. My heart aches at the struggles I know exist with in my family. I know that part of who I am needs to assist in the handling of these struggles. To do that I would have to move home, I have thought about it ever since. I sat home and brooded about it last night. I don’t want to move home. I like living out here, but I miss my family. I miss the comfort of the familiar. I miss my boys. But I came out here for a purpose. Have I attained that purpose? Have I finished? Have I done what I was supposed to do? Have I grown in the ways I needed to? Am I that different then when I left home? In some ways I am. In others I haven’t changed at all. But family is the most important thing in this life. Do I go home to help? Or do I continue to “blossom”? I hate decisions.
Friday, May 12
Saturday, May 6
For now the highlights of the last 3 weeks:
Arizona was good.
I had a great talk with my father and Patty, it will be a moment to remember
I got to meet more cousins I did not know I had
It was nice to see my sisters
Dad and Patty asked me to move to Arizona, again
Kate took me to a library last Thursday
Hello my name is Rachel Gifford. I am a bookaholic
I spent an hour soaking up the peace and then checked out 11 books
I have read 6 of them
The weekend with Cam was good.
You can learn a lot about yourself in less then a week.
I found the bookshop for the Lincoln, Vietnam, and Korean War memorials,
….I got 3 new books. The joy at that was almost overwhelming
Rent was great, even if Roger couldn’t sing.
I am not really as liberal as I think sometimes
I love sitting in a dark theater with music surrounding me.
Life is full of moments that cause contemplation