What to write......

So I want to write. I want to purge what ever thoughts are weighing me down. But I am not sure what to write. There are so many things that are running around in my head. But where do I start and what do I say. Maybe I should just say nothing. Maybe I should keep this light and airy...I can be good at that when I want to. I might not be a master at creating conversation, usually that takes work for me. I have become quite an artist at babbling about completely pointless things. This makes it easy for me to be shy with out any one knowing. I can pretend that I am out going by talking about some of the most inconsequential things and every thinks that I am just a chatter box. But it is babbling, not a conversation. There is a definite difference.

I went to FHE this week, and remembered how much I hate attending those things with out the posse. Kate and I talked about it afterward. It is just a “munch and mingle”, but it makes it forced socializing. There is so much pressure, especially since I hate walking up to a group and just joining in a conversation. That fear of rejection has never been stronger then those moments. Even tracting as a missionary didn’t cause me this much stress. Prior to moving out to DC I would attend these functions with a book in my pocket. Then I could read while who ever I was with socialized to their hearts content. As a matter of fact, that is how I spent my teenage years. There was many a family activity or outings with friends that I spent the time reading. I have always preferred to read to doing any thing else. When I wanted a break I could always join in. I also loved the ability it gave me to observe. As long as I had a book in my hand I could watch the interaction between those around me. I think this is the reason I always one of the first to know who was “hooking up” who among my friends. It is easy to spot if you are watching the small interactions. Lol!

I miss this part of my life. Since moving here I made the decision to be active in life not just sit and watch it. I must say that as fun as the activities can be, I miss who I used to be. There is a part of me that misses the quiet evenings spent in the pages of my books, the time I had to just pay attention to the quiet, to be in a group and just watch instead of participate. This was my reasoning for attending the Sunday football potlucks every week. It gave me the opportunity to be amidst the chaos and noise and not have to be apart of it. I need the background noise as much as I need not to be social. I do not know what I am going to do now that football is over. Where will I find a group that will allow me to read a book whilst they play? Groups always feel the need to include; they don’t realize that sometimes we don’t need to be included; sometimes we just want to watch.

Now I am complaining that I am too social. Can I get any whinier?

Just as a post script, I know I have an amazing life. One that is full of incredible people. My friends, family, and even acquaintances constantly bring insight into my life that I could never achieve on my own. I am constantly amazed at the many wonderful things that surround me. Therefore I am reduced to complaining that I am not the boring person who did nothing but work, take care of kids, and read books. How sad is that? Lol!