The Dilemma of the Moment

A bit ago a friend posted on her blog a conversation about friends and flirting. I requested that she remove my name as the conversation we had was not for public interest. I did not want people to know that I was the one that was worried about the flirting. But now I am going to respond. In a desperate attempt not to gain any more emotional weight I am going to purge the thought here. So those that don’t want to read all my dirty little secrets skip this post please. If you will struggle looking me in the eye due to the fact that I have a whole lot of past sin, then I suggest you wait until the next post.

A little background:
I’ll start with the fact that I am one of those people with few friends, at least according to my definition. Those I number as friends can be counted on 1 hand. Now this is not to say I am not friendly with many people. But I count these as acquaintances. I have many of those. As my dad says these are probably people that would count me as their friend and would assume vice versa. I am more then willing to be a friend to anyone; As a matter of fact I have been confidant to many, and enjoy going out and playing with quite a few in the acquaintance category. But a friend in my book is one that I would feel comfortable calling in a bind or struggle. It is one that I could call when I am afraid or crying. There are very few of these. I was taught at an early age that those are weaknesses that can be used against you. And I try to give as few people as possible the keys to my destruction. It is uncomfortable for me….end of story. But those that I count as friends….suffice to say that I would do anything for them. As cheesy and trite as it sounds, I would go to the ends of the earth for them.

Recently my relationship with one of my friends was, well for lack of a better word, under attack. I was told by my family that it was inappropriate due to the fact that he is engaged to be married. Our relationship could not be kept platonic due to him being a man and me being a woman. There were harsh things said, my family has yet to recover from the argument. I defended my relationship with the knowledge that it wasn’t like that. We are friends, I would do anything he needed, but he would never be inappropriate with me that way. His fiancée (wife??…are you married yet?) is an amazing woman one that I look to as an example of goodness. I would never be inappropriate with him for many reasons. First, been there done that in my past, not fun and the cause of 20 pounds in emotional weight, no thanks! Secondly, I respect him and his fiancée way too much to ever even want to do that. Third, and in my mind most important, He is a friend and deserves all the happiness that this life has to offer. She can give that to him. I would not be any kind of friend if I tried to harm that relationship. I know all these things in my head and I tried to put the things that had been said by my family out of my head.

The Problem:
But recently someone else I count as friend commented on the relationship and termed it as flirting, only to be confirmed by yet another friend when questioned. (I have yet to ask the friend this is related to as he has too much on his plate right now) Now let’s look at the numbers, Out of the 5 people that I would count as my friends, 2 of them say that I am flirting with this gentleman. That is pretty damning evidence. One states that it is all a matter of definition and therefore nothing to worry about. I do not see things this way. In my book flirting is flirting and flirting with someone engaged or married is inappropriate. I just don’t see my relationship with this particular gentleman in that light. But the worry has set in and I can’t seem to get past it. Am I being inappropriate? I am not doing it intentionally, but is it happening anyway? Am I flirting unconsciously? Deep down do I have the intent to harm this relationship? How could I be that type of person? What do I do? Do I end all contact as was suggested by my family months ago? How do I go back to a relationship that is merely an acquaintance after a person becomes such a good friend? I have never done that, I do not know if I can. I do not know if I need to. But I do know that if I don’t find out the weight I have already gained is going to double.

The Conclusion:
Really there is no conclusion. That is why I am purging. I do not know what to do, I am struggling to figure out what to do and gaining weight faster than you can spit. I hate not knowing my own mind. I fear that what I think about myself is never the clear view. So I listen to the view of those that I count as friends, those that know who I am and why I do things. But as the scriptures state “By their works ye shall know them”; what do my works state of me? This is what I need to figure out.