GRADUATION!! (Grad School)

Tuesday, January 17

And then I remembered....

One would think that the title of this post would connect to the last post but it only does in the most peripheral way. As I wrote on Saturday, there is so much that I want to see and do. Nothing is impossible for me. The places I want to visit, the things I want to learn... all of that are with in my grasp. Then Sunday comes and I am reminded....

For those that don't know I am LDS (Mormon, Latter-day Saint, how every you want to phrase it.) I teach the Sunbeams in primary. What does this mean in non-LDS vernacular? During the second and third hour of church on Sunday I teach six 3 to 4 year-olds about our beliefs. There is singing, lessons, snacks... it is a lot of fun and kids at that age are really cute, if trying.  I have been in this calling (or post) for about 7 months or so now and we just got our new class so they are all 3 years old. It is sometimes odd for me, a woman who professes to not want babies of her own. The youngest, Sam, just turned 3 in December so he is really such a baby still.

Church begins at 11 and so we have the children from 12:15 to 2 pm: Prime lunch and nap time for our little ones. Yesterday Sam turned to me and told me he wanted his mommy. He was tired and wanted to be in his bed. In an effort to start to train him to stay for all of church, I stood at the back of the room with him while singing time went on. I had forgotten how sweet it was to hold such a precious child and rock them until they fall asleep. That trust is amazing. After about 15 minutes, Sam was awake and we were on our way to class.

So what does this mean? Why am I writing about this? Here we are two days later and it still had an effect on me. I truly don't believe small children are in my future. Not only because having babies is not something I want to do, but also because I believe my talents can be better served in other arenas. If I ever do marry (or just settle myself long enough to have a stable home and a stable job) I want to work in the foster care system an then move into adoption. But as much as I love little children, I want to work with the older kids. Kids that are around 8 -17 (I think they leave the system at 18 right?). So many kids are struggling in our over burdened system and I want to help them.

While my goals are sound and I believe worthy, some days the truth hits like a body blow. There will probably never be a little child of my own that I rock to sleep like I did Sam on Sunday afternoon.  I don't know if the sadness that comes from such thoughts is a natural instinct or something ingrained that I have learned due to my upbringing. Either way, some days it makes me sad.

But not to worry, one of these days I will meet my goals and have the chance to help troubled kids just as  I have wanted to for years.


Soarenth said...

I'm sorry, Rae. This topic hits too close to home for me to offer the words of comfort you probably need to hear.

I can say that I admire you for facing truth head-on. May that strength always help you get to where you want to go in your life.

Lb said...

a really nice post. i fell on your blog randomly, so i don't know anything of you. where u live, what u do etc... anyway, i wish good luck. keep on pursuing your goals, and don't forget that noone can do anything without others.