GRADUATION!! (Grad School)

Saturday, November 17

A Challenge....

***Warning: I am beyond at your own risk.***

The train car is crowded. People have spent the evening out on the town and now the car has the lingering scent of alcohol. I sit alone on my bench. My headset is playing the classics of the 70’s and a book is in my hand. Unfortunately, none of this does me any good as I cannot focus. I am distracted by the indescribable emotion that has settled lately; an emotion that neither my latest thriller nor Dilbert can seem to break through.

Yesterday, the traffic on my blog doubled due to the comment left by anonymous. The girl mafia, of course, read the new comment and the old comments and I have been given quite a bit of advice on the situation. Steph says I should just ignore it therefore teaching Mr. Anonymous that he shouldn’t play the anonymous card. Meg and Sarah have cautioned me to be careful; you never know what type of people you will find on the internet after all. Jer went over our connected past, trying to help me find a link somewhere. (He did give me a possibility, but who knows if the clue is helpful). Ben, while not a member of the girl mafia was the most adamant about his opinion, lol! He says I should tell Mr. Anonymous to “put up or shut up”. He comments go hand in hand with those from Meg using the phrase “mystery schmystery.” Personally, my curiosity is still peaked.

As with the first posting by Mr. Anonymous, the door to the memories of my past has cracked open and the flood of memories will not be stopped. Spending an evening dancing with Drew in my backyard with one objective…who knew it would take hours to get a boy to kiss me. Sheesh! The drama of my high school years, sick family, fights with Drew, trips to Florida, dances, lunches, swing sets, trees that were climbed. The night I spent talking with Adam; literally talking until dawn. The morning I took the ill-fated trip to Sqaw Peak with ‘he who shall forever remain nameless’. There are a parade of faces, some which I can place with a name to and some I cannot, from school, work, church, and other random places. Ahhhhh…the follies of youth, especially the thinking that it would always be so easy.

The cynical side of me tells me that the man that you see almost every morning is NOT someone that I would be happy to run into. There are only 3 men in my past that I never want to see again. (I figure after 28 yrs 3 major regrets isn’t so bad, right?) Every one of them was “charming” AND I really don’t want to hear that any of them look "good" at this point. I would prefer that they are going bald with a fat paunch, thank you very much. Lol! I figure I am no more then a speed bump in their histories.

The curious side says to find out more. I really, really want to know who you are and who you see….

The third side is the most cynical. It tells me that this is all a fake story created to show my naiveté. It wouldn’t be the first time that I was taken in by the slick story of a stranger, believing that he was being honest with me.

Yet as I have remembered all of these things, the highs and lows of all of my relationships/friendships/school-girl crushes, one emotion has lain like a light film over all of the others: Fear.

As one who tries never to give into fear but to face it instead, I choose to take Ben’s advice: Who are you? And where do I know you from?

I’ll expect an answer in another 10 months when you get back to my blog. Lol!


Tiana said...

Hmmmmnm....I think you are amazing and that you have done so much with your life! I am proud of you and hope you know that I think you are spectacular. I think random strange person who keeps posting on your blog should come forth!!

Anonymous said...

Well . . .

I'm very sorry to break with tradition by responding so quickly - I guess I could save this and send it in another 10 months or so - but interestingly enough, I now find myself to be the one intrigued.

Before I satisfy my curiousity, however, I would like to address the various naysayers and skeptics who may be critiquing this at the moment.

Obviously, that seems to be a major point of concern here.

Let me belay any such fears.

I almost regret ever responding in such an open forum in the first place - but . . .

It was really my only option.

First of all, I would like to think that the fact it took several months for me to reply should lend a bit of legitamacy to my position.

I'm NOT trying to lull you into some false sense of security nor trick you into believing some 'fake story' as you put it.

What possible purpose would there be for that?

I believe, if that had been my intention, I would have spun the web much more succesfully long before now.

Anyway . . .

If you really need it, though, I could drop some 'key words' here and there that should, if nothing else, provide proof enough that I'm someone with common threads tying back to your past.

I have my reasons, however, for choosing to remain annon for now and I'm afraid that some of these hints might give me away too quickly.

You'll just have to be patient.

Second, if the only intention I had was to play the part of some romantic, "mystery-man" idiot, I would have been much better served simply sending a cheap boquet of flowers signed 'Your Secret Admirer' - don't you think?

Anyhow . . .

I'm at a cross-roads of sorts.

You see - - - I'm still trying to figure out for myself what my original intention for writing to you really was and whether this whole 'communicado' we have here is even going to be worth it.

Now, please don't incite the masses against me . . . I certainly don't mean that in any kind of demeaning, diminutive, or insulting way.

I am referring purely to myself and my incessant lack of self-esteem.

I, too, have become somewhat guarded with my emotions over the years since you last saw me. But, I fear that if you found out right now who I am, before I have adequate chance to win your trust, you would only remember the 'who-I-was' and I would once again end up on the outside looking in.

Do you know me yet??

Well . . . onto the dillema . . .

Your latest response has left me most thoroughly bewildered on several points. The biggest of which is that I thought for sure you would have guessed right away who it is that I see everyday and would have been excited to hear about it.

Now, I'm a little perplexed.

I guess I should tread lightly here since there's still a huge chance that I'm way off base and jumping too far into reading-between-lines . . .

But, I'm curious if this person I know and see everyday is one of the three dead-men-walking you mentioned in your repsonse.

I have a hard time thinking he is.

You guys used to be thick as thieves . . . and based on the way he looks now . . . I really couldn't imagine anything but a series of huge hugs and sloppy kisses if he were to walk-in to your favorite book store 'out of the blue' one day.

Does that help any??

I don't know what I'm really looking for here.

Part of me was looking at this from a selfish perspective and I just wanted to see what reaction, if any, I got in regard to him. My alterior motive, of course, was to then see what reaction you had toward me seeing as how I was sure you would have then guessed my identity as well. It would have been all nice and neat. That way . . . no harm, no foul if there was nothing there.

But now . . .

I'm very curious.

Maybe, I should bring you up as a topic of conversation next time I see him and see if he falls over dead or not.

I need to leave it here for now - sorry. I'm very tired and things are starting to mush together in one big blur.