Ring out wild bells....

The year is dying and here I sit surrounded by books on my current topic of research. I received a deck of "knowledge cards" for Christmas from the Thornes this year. Each card has facts about a "notable" women in literature. Since there are 48 cards in the deck, I have chosen to spend a week on each one. Learning about the woman the card emphasizes. The first one chosen was on Elizabeth Bishop, who I only know as the author of "One Art." 


But that is not why I am writing, this new year is full of promise: I graduate in April with my bachelor's degree, if all goes as planned I will start Grad School in the fall, I am going to be learning about 48 women that have affected the course of the literary world, and the world is ripe with all sorts of other possibilities. Life as a single 32-yr-old women in Utah might not be one of unwavering bliss but a girl can handle anything for a short period of time. I have put in my hours here in Happy Valley and am looking forward to moving on. Lucky for me, moving on doesn't mean that I will have to give up my nights surrounded by literary genius'. 


 I am very excited about my future, yet here I sit alone surrounded by books. The small voice  in my head that represents the hollywood version of society seems to be telling me that I should be getting all gussied up to head to some New Year's Eve Bash. A party where I will be surrounded by people (most of which I do not know) so that I can count down to this new year. The louder voice in my head, which represents my anti-social self, tells me that starting the new year surrounded by the works of a literary genius is just fine. I agree with the louder voice, which is why it is the louder of the two. While the needling small voice has begun to annoy. I do not feel guilty that I sacrificed some party which I won't enjoy for reading. 


So I wish all of you a Happy New Year's. I wish for each of you a wonderful 2012. And hope all of your dreams come true. If you have any wishes for me.... wish for good books and good grades. 

One Art    

By: Elizabeth Bishop 

The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant 

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster. 

 --Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster. 

Dreams....

It is amazing what floats to the surface in your dreams. In this morning's I find I am just as melodramatic as I was in the teenage years they portray.

The dream is already fading but I remember that I was a teenager again, all loud mouthed and big feet. But in this dream I was attending some sort of private school for girls. There were uniforms and some sort of military precision. The dream covered a couple of days and each time I was corrected in someway by my peers. My uniform was not right. I didn't have the right shirt on. My sleeves were too short. I was the flag bearer, and during a moment of shock the flag did not stand up straight. Okay.. I was actually at the front of a crowd and the pole dipped backwards to hit the people behind me with the flag. (Snort) Another incident was when I asked to look at an old metro map of DC that one of the girls had. I noticed that the green line was missing and the red, orange, and blue lines were incomplete. When a girl told me that the colors referred to walls around the city, I corrected her and explained the metro system. Only to be told that I was not to be rude... even if I was right. The final moment had the girls  lining up to go inside the school. I was the last in line and once again holding the pole with the flag on it. The girl in front of me turned around to ask me not to stand next to her. I responded that there was no where else to stand. But unfortunately she didn't care as long as I didn't stand next to her. So with no where else to go I trudged down the front walk to stand by myself. Of course this placed me out of line and therefore the teacher (or headmistress or what ever she was) came over to ask why I was not in the line. To which the drama queen I am replied...."I was asked to move away from the others" and then I woke up.

Can we say drama queen even in my dreams. Yet while the dream was nothing like my real school experiences the fears that it portrayed were quite real... and to some extent still are. Everyone wants to fit in somewhere. The need for acceptance, even if it is not mainstream acceptance, never fades. As a teenager I was blessed with a best friend who flitted with me from group to group. This allowed me to be as social as I wanted to be while providing a cover for when I had no desire to be social. As an adult I have found friends who do the same.... There was many a party provided by Steph that required my presence but not my attention. I had to attend but I was not required to socialize and could bring any book I wanted. For parties are just like high school... trying to find a place to fit in the crowd that has been assembled.

So why do I write about this... life is about finding your place in it. Whatever you do, you must be comfortable in who you are and what you do. While I am still working to achieve my "what I do" goals, I was able to accept who I am years ago.  I am very grateful that I am blessed with friends who understand me and accept me for who I am.

It's a whipped cream day....

Spring, summer, and fall seem to be able to make e forget how much I love the snow. But tonight as we had the first real snow storm of the year, I was reminded how beautiful the snow is. The drive home from the movie theater was a little nerve-wracking as we couldn't make out the lines on the road. But once inside I made a cup of hot cocoa and watched the snow fall outside our big picture window for hours. The lawn is covered and the bare leaf-less branches on all of the neighborhood trees are coated with a fluffy white layer. I'm going back to enjoy the pretty outside my window... you enjoy a touch of Dean and Frankie. :)
 

Lost and found

So the highlight of my week has been getting my car stolen. Cuz that is what I needed, right?

Yesterday morning I woke up to my car missing from the driveway. Today I was woken up by a very nice police officer who drove me 2 blocks over to where the car was dumped after they ransacked it.

There were quite a few moments of panic as I realized that there were things of value that I kept in my car that are irreplaceable. Things like: the Savings bonds that my grandfather gave us each year for Christmas, the scarf that my old boss Kristin gave me in DC, and the handmade hair clip I got at a renaissance fair in Virginia with my friends Heather and Richard.  All of those things are now home safe and sound.

There were things taken.... my iPod, our garage door opener, and my gym bag (not the items inside but the bag itself). But all of those things are replaceable. None of them have sentimental value.

So thanks to the very nice officers that found my car..... because without them, I would be carless and missing some very important memories. Plus... you know all of the other things they do every day that I am very grateful not to have to worry about as I write this at 6:30 in the morning.

Has my world come to an end?

I know I am not any where near genius level. I wouldn't even say I am brilliant. I do know I am not dumb. Yet here I sit, staring at this sad piece of paper with my GRE scores on it and trying to understand how this is possible. My prelim scores said I should have done better but reality is a kick in the pants.

According to the new GRE grading scale I suck. Okay not really, but I am no more than average and I don't know if average will get me into my college. I mean I am not trying to get into an Ivy league grad program or anything but still.....

So what are the scores?
  Verbal/Quantitative/Writing  =   164/149/4.0

What does this mean? The scores range between 130 and 170 for the verbal and the quantitative (translate: english and math). The range for the writing (translate essay) is 0-6.  I also went online to translate these scores into the old GRE grading scale. the cumulative score for my verbal/quantitative would have been 1290. (v:670/q:620)

As for the percentages: Yes, I am in the 94th percentile for the verbal. But I am in the 49th and 48th percentile for the math and essay respectively.

So while these scores aren't horrific ..... they aren't great either. I didn't expect any higher on the math in all reality, but a 670 in verbal? and a 4 on the essay! How could I have done so poorly!!

What does this mean for grad school? I don't know. Can this be offset by my 2 honor societies and my 3.6 GPA?  I don't know. And I really just want to cry. So I think I am going to do that now. Maybe chocolate is in order.

Growing up....

Today I had one of those moments.... You know, the ones you don't want to have but learn to deal with as an adult. It's the moment that you recognize just because you really want something doesn't mean it is going to happen. My school offers a program that includes 6 weeks in Nice living with a French family and attending a French school. On top of that you get to go to Paris for a week and then after that spend 3 days in the Loire Valley. 

Why I should and/or shouldn't go on the study abroad to France:

Pros:

1. My dream job would be to work in the archives of a library in France.... or Germany, or England, or Spain. A trip abroad would look better on a resume. 
2. The grad school that I really really want to attend is in Montreal. It is also completely french-speaking and therefore was removed from my list of possible schools when I realized I wouldn't be fluent by grad school. While I am currently at an intermediate level of French, my professors say what I need to switch from thinking in English and translating to French and actually speaking french is complete immersion in the language and culture. That is not possible here in the states, especially not in the state of Utah. 
3. Among the thing provided by our school is the entrance fees to museums in every place we visit. While I have seen and worked with museums and libraries in the states, it would be good to understand how things work in France. 
4. In is FRANCE! I mean really.... France has been on my places to visit since I was a kid.... and not just Paris, though I want to see all the cools things that are there. I want to see the rest of France more than Paris. DaVinci's house, the castles, the medieval towns, and everything else that France has to offer.

Cons:

1. Money, money, money (oh to have a sugar daddy. Lol!)
2. The delay in graduation might only be a few months but it could affect my acceptance into my grad programs. If I had to choose between grad school and France, I should choose School right?
3. If I choose to get my education from an American college the door is still open to at least apply for jobs in Europe (right?) Unfortunately, if I fail out of school in Montreal because I don't understand the language I am screwed. 

So why am I posting this? Because I will need the reminder in the coming months.  

After crunching the numbers again and again, I realized that there is no way I can afford France and grad school at the same time. For 3 years now I have wanted to take part of the summer and study abroad in France. Every year I have thought about going. And Every year something has kept me from applying. This year as I prepared for grad school I thought I might actually make it work. The big deterrent these past 2 years has been work. As that is no longer an issue I thought I might finally get the chance. But.... where as when I was working I could afford to go but didn't have the time off, with out a job I have the time, but can't afford it. *sigh* This makes me sad. But accepting reality is part of being an adult. I may have those lists of pros and cons but they don't mean much when the money becomes an issue. I have never wanted to be one of those kids from the rich families as much as I do right now. Lol!

For now I will just accept reality and be excited that I am graduating in just over 6 months.

The good follows the bad.....

I seem to have a case of terminal forgetfulness.

There are things in my life that do not change no matter how hard I wish them to. In high school I was ill once a month.... And I mean really sick. Not just cramping but the throwing up, huddled in a ball, give me drugs to knock me out type of ill. The "boyfriend had to carry me out of school one day" type of ill (yeah I was much older before I realized how awesome that was). As I got older it wasn't as consistent and by the time I was on my mission, it was only bad every couple of months. I figured that I had just learned how to handle the issues. Which is true to some extent. But this week I was reminded that sometimes I am just gonna be ill. Their is very little choice in the matter.

So what does this have to do with my title? I sit here after my first shower in 4 days that didn't end up with me laying on the floor in the bathroom (or unable to get out of the shower as was the case on Thursday). I feel good... I feel normal... I feel clean. Often in our lives we are told that without the bad we wouldn't recognize the good. I hadn't truly forgotten the principle but this week reminded me how good of a life I have. I had forgotten that sometimes the best feeling in the world is taking a great shower after you haven't felt well for a while. That feeling normal can be AMAZING.

Never Forgotten but truly remembered?

Most, if not all, U.S. citizens recognize today as a day of remembering. Ten years ago today, tragedy struck our nation. Each year as this day comes I worry about what I am going to write. Do I write my memories of the day? Do I write about Robert D. Pugliese whose name is found below as a reminder of his family's loss? Do I write of the changes that our nation has seen in the decade since that terrible day?

Tonight I attended a 9/11 memorial in which the Mapleton Chorale performed Rene Clausen's "Memorial." In his keynote address, President Matthew Holland of Utah Valley University spoke of remembering and the purpose it has in our lives. As I listened to his stirring words, I was reminded of the signs that read "We must never forget." Yet with all of our reminders not to forget are we truly remembering and honoring the memories of that day so long ago? Are our memories of what we were doing and how we felt the purpose of our memories. Or is there a deeper meaning to our memories that we seem to be missing?

I could easily recount the story of my uncle rushing up from the basement that morning to turn on our television, and my family watching helplessly as the second plane flew into the tower. Or there are the stories of working at Provo's Missionary Training Center and hearing of missionaries stranded across the nation and kneeling to pray with those that they found in whatever airplane terminal they happened to be in. I even have stories of my second job temping for a company that had 2 employees in NYC that day (1 of which was supposed to be at the Twin Towers on a job) and fielding terrified calls from their wives as we scrambled to try to contact them. (Both made it safely out of the city that day).

Yet, with all these stories one has to wonder what their purpose truly is. Why must we remember? To which my answer is: So that we live as befits the memory of what we have lost. And not just the people that we have lost. This tragedy is more than the victims and the heroes of the day. The innocence of a nation was lost that day. The sense of complacency that had fallen over our country was lost that day. How we live today should reflect what we have lost, the good and the bad.

The signs are right, we must never forget, but more important is that we must honor the memory every day. We must remember what we have lost to remind us of what we strive for today. Our world can change in an instant and we must be ready for whatever comes our way. Not to justify the wars that are being fought, but to remind us that life and freedom are precious. To remind us that we can come together as a nation and to embrace our differences. To work together for a better world. To remember not only the victims, men and women who lost there lives to tragedy, but also the men and women who sacrificed their lives. To honor the brave actions and the enduring spirit that can be found among our own countrymen. These are not the founding fathers of centuries gone by. They are not the heroes of a war decades past. These are not even celebrities making millions of dollars in Hollywood or on athletic fields. These are men and women in the here and now that are just like you and me. Men and women who willingly sacrificed themselves to help others.

To me, that is what remembering today is about. Yes, we remember the loss that we have suffered. But we remember the lost to ensure that the lives we live and the country that we live in is worthy of the sacrifice that was made.

Another novel finished....

So I finished Steinbeck's East of Eden this evening. Prior to starting it for my literature class, I had been warned that it had a very depressing ending. Yet as I sit here this evening going over the last of the novel I am not depressed. As a matter of fact, I found the ending to be quite hopeful.

Yes the book contained death, fear, frustration, and many other depressing emotions. Yet, it also contained life. joy, happiness, love and all the other happy sappy things. And that seemed to be Steinbeck's purpose. In this complex story, Steinbeck wasn't just showing us the age old story of Cain and Abel, or even the myth of Pandora's box. This wasn't good vs. evil. This story protrays the spectrum of good to evil that exists in all of us. We are human, and to be human means that we are constructed from all of the good and bad emotions that are attached to humanity. Jealousy fear and hate, vie for supremacy over love, compassion, and courage. We must accept that those things exist not only in others but in ourselves as well. Once we can accept the world as it is, THEN we can work towards improving ourselves. We can recognize as Steinbeck's Cal did, that we are our "own kind of mean" and work to correct it. That is what this life is for, is it not? To work towards perfection, not that we will achieve it but that we can work towards it.

Anti-Social....

As usual I am tired. The last couple of weeks have been especially hard and I am really really tired. School only has another couple of weeks and I can take a little break. But tonight I am hiding from the world.... well most of the world..... I will still be living in the homework world and I will be totally open for AmyO as she reads Wolfsbane for the first time. :)

So in effort not to be a stick in the mud and ruin the night for anyone else I have chosen to hide out and Mom's house while they are out of town... Hi Mom, hope you're having fun!

So I am off to work on my bio homework, read East of Eden, and watch movies.... Have a great weekend.

Nature's First Green Is Gold

I can't sleep this evening. Classes start again tomorrow and I need to be sleeping but my mind had latched on to an old Robert Frost poem and won't let go.

Robert Frost first published the short poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay" in the 1923 Yale Review. Later that year it was included in Frost's collection tilted New Hampshire, which also included "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening." The collection was also awarded the 1924 Pulitzer Prize for Poetry.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

I remember reading this poem years ago while living in DC and enjoying the tone and rhythm. It just flows off the tongue. The rhyming pattern is as obvious as the alliterations are subtle. The words of the poem meander through your mind like a fresh bubbling brook. Skipping from word to word and line to line but never settling. I didn't put much thought into the meaning of the poem at the time. I just enjoyed it.

Fast forward a few years and in an American Literature class my professor, Rob Carney, asked us to memorize and recite two poems for the class. I chose this poem mostly because I knew that it would be an easy one to memorize.

At the time, the only interpretation I focused on was the same classic interpretation that S.E. Hinton uses as a theme to his popular novel The Outsiders. It has been to many years since I have read Hinton's novel or watched the movie that was adapted from it, yet I do know that one of the themes had to do with the need to stay gold or golden. Meaning to try to stay innocent or to achieve the perfection of the innocent.

Frost's use of the word gold in line one is substituted in line six with the word Eden. In Christian religions Eden refers to the garden of perfection created by God and then inhabited by an innocent Adam and Eve. If we follow this line of thinking then, the gold which Frost is referring to is the perfection of the innocent unmarred by worldly cares, needs, or even realities. In Eden, there were no thorns to prick the finger, or weeds to choke the flowers. It wasn't until Adam and Eve were forced out of Eden that they learned sorrow and the work of tilling the land for their harvest. The reference that "Eden sank to grief" is this loss of innocence that Adam and Eve suffered as they were cast out of the Garden.

Frost also uses quite a few words to remind us that time is not infinite. Words such as first, early, hold, only, hour, and even dawn, reinforce the poems argument that the initial innocence of our lives is fleeting. The beauty of childhood lasts but a short time before we are forced to accept the reality of the world that surrounds us.

As I was learning about this poem for my lit class I was so focused on the "grief" that comes from the loss of the gold that I didn't take the time to delve any deeper into the possible implications. But tonight as I lie in bed I again recognized not only the need we have for change but also the joy that can be found in such changes.

Frost reminds us that Nature's first steps are gold and flowers. Spring is often connected with the beauty of renewed innocence and life. The short life span of the cherry blossoms and lilacs illustrate the fleetingness of Frost's poem. Yet the brevity of spring passes into the beauty of a hot summer day. Summer fades to the crunch of the autumn leaves which then flow to the glitter of a frosty morning. Just because the beauty of the first green has passed doesn't mean beauty can't be found in the life that follows.

In yet another portion of the poem, Frost refers to the dawn going down. We all know that the dawn is about the rising of the sun. Frost is using the alliteration to draw attention to the other 'D' words in the line (dawn and day) while implying the passage of time and the end of the dawn. While the dawn is very beautiful, I am rarely awake for it. The day is where my life happens. Work, and school, friends and family, fill my days and evenings not my dawn. The joys and laughter the pain and sorrow aren't to be found in the first glittering moments of my dawn. They are the product of all of my experiences throughout the rest of my day.

As line eight has been reverberating through my mind, it has been reminding me of a quote from L.M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables. Frost states "So dawn goes down today" to which I hear Anne reply "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it." Reference to dawn going down, allows one to think of the setting of the sun. With the passing of one day, or season, or experience, we are offered the opportunity to have others. Part of the joy found in life is taking a wrong turn and discovering a whole new world along the back roads. If the sun were never to set, or the dawn turn into day, how would we ever get the chance to experience life to it's fullest.

So, thank you Mr. Frost. Yes, the dawn of my life has passed and I am headed into the heat of the day. And while the first blush of youth has worn away, I am lucky to enjoy the life I lead as each experience leads me to the other opportunities.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

The future....

This morning I spent my time looking at my schools of choice for my Master's program. They have been narrowed down to 5 schools all on the east coast. In the order of preference:

• Simmons Graduate School of Library Science in Boston
• Indiana University - Purdue University Indianapolis
• Rutgers School of Communication and Information - New Brunswick, New Jersey
• Louisiana State University Baton Rouge
• University of Maryland

Boston and Indianapolis get priority ranking because they offer dual Master's programs. I can study Library Science and Public History at the same time.

Maryland gets last place because, while I love that part of the country and they offer the dual program, a couple of the alumni say the school is not the easiest to work with.

Next Step... The dreaded GRE. Most of the schools only require it if I have a GPA less than 3.2 (Not even close...Phi Theta Honors society... Thank you very much!). But it is required for 2 of the schools. So.... yet another thing to study for. The application deadlines for Fall of 2012 aren't until February/March so I have a bit of time.

Ugh... this blog post is completely disjointed.... Much like my graduate plans.... It is time to pull things together so I can reach my goals!

Now I am off to meet the woman over my internship.... wish me luck. :)

I DID IT!!!

Grades are out and I got an A- in the Nature of History! I was hoping for a C so this is a load off my mind.

WAHOO!

The other classes were just as good. An A- in US history, a B in Contemporary Literature, and a B- in Critical Theory.

Life is GOOD!

And now I am signing off.

YIPPEEEE!!
Okay now I will return to acting my age.

Good Morning....

WIth out school, my nights have been boring. There is only so much tv you can watch before you want to pluck out your own eyes. Reading helps but even that doesn't seem to be able to pull my focus as school had. I can't wait to start up again next week.

I have to admit though...Lazy mornings are quickly becoming an addiction. My mornings resemble that of Oliver in the musical with out the maid and the singing town. I love listening to the morning through my open window as I slowly wake up. *sigh*

Interpretations

I blog in the shower.

Not literally of course, but, as I stand under the hot water, my mind clears and flits from topic to topic. Unfortunately, the epics I compose in the shower rarely appear here among my blog posts. Usually because once I am out of the shower I have very little time to sit and write down my thoughts. Today, though, is a lazy day with a lazy shower. There was even singing, slow church hymns that reverberate off the walls of the bathroom and echo through the soul. In my laziness I have time to throw my thoughts out into the universe.

As the hot water beat down on my hair I began to brush my teeth (I figure I can justify longer showers if I include brushing my teeth. ;) ) and was reminded of a memory from decades ago. I remember standing at the sink with my Grandpa Rocky watching him brush his teeth. I couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 and was in awe at the amount of white toothpaste that covered his lips. Since I was just a child, I assumed that this is what happened when grown ups brushed their teeth and began to try to achieve the same result. I even remember resorting to wiping toothpaste on my lips so I could look more grown up.

This memory brought to mind the endless discussions from this semesters Lit class on interpretation. Our individual experiences effect how we view the world. And not only personal experiences but communal ones as well. I will never understand completely the horrors of Pearl Harbor or the fear of McCarthyism just like a child born this year will never comprehend the loss and fear America suffered on 9/11. Books are written, movies are made, and songs are dedicated to the experiences but that effect is not the same. My choices will forever reflect the experiences of my life.

Even among a society or a family for instance, events can cause different interpretations. For example, I am one of 12 children who were raised by my mother and step-father. As my memory is so faulty, I often call my siblings for clarification on events of our past. Interestingly enough, 1 event can have 12 different interpretations. AND each interpretation effects the individual differently. The situation of my childhood has influenced my choices throughout my life. Yet my sister, who is only older than me by 16 months, has been influenced in ways that I never have. While we shared many of the same experiences, our responses were vastly different. No judgement is placed on either of our choices, they are just different.

Therefore with all of these different interpretations how can we function as a whole? Can we as a society work towards the common good? How will we be able to define what is good among all of the interpretations?

As children we look to our elders to define what is right and wrong and to guide us in our actions. As students we look to our teachers to teach us the facts. As adults we find our guidance in many things. I personally, rely on my faith in Heavenly Father, as well as the knowledge I have gained through my life to guide my choices. But I fully recognize that not everyone believes as I do. My only hope is that tolerance can prevail to help us understand and accept the differences that make each individual unique.

Another one bites the dust

Saturday night has come and for the first time in weeks I am not stressing about readings or papers for class on Monday. All of my papers have been turned in and the semesters books and papers have been collected to be stored. For what? HWo knows but I feel better if they go in a box for now. Lol! I can even see my desk... dusty as it might be, I can actually see it again.

Today I slept till noon, went to dinner with my friend Sarah, watched an old 80's movie (Protocol - score one for Goldie Hawn) and read a book (Anna and the French Kiss is a very cute YA chicklit novel)

But now darkness has fallen and the quiet has descended. And what do I do with myself? I guess I can read another book. Or do some more cleaning (the bathroom is screaming at me!). But I don't really want to. I guess I could go and bug Mama and Papa Thorne..... but I hate to be a nuisance.

That is the problem with being single at my age..... what do you do? ALL BY YOURSELF! I am one who considers her alone time very precious, but once life slows down I do require interaction. It is one of the reasons I need school. I need something to keep me engaged..... Not to worry classes start on Monday for Math and Bio starts the following week.

I think I am gonna add another class just for fun..... help me out and vote:

Intro to Psych

Intro to Western Religions

or

Humanities Through the Arts

I can't decide.

Procrastination....

The semester is finally coming to a close. I finally finished my last official class and now am only left with papers to write. Granted there are 6 of them, but that is doable. 4 of them are 3 pages or less. 1 needs to be 5 pages and the last one is a research project i have been working on all semester and will have to be 8-10 pages.

Am I writing? No. I am tired. I turned in 3 papers on Wednesday and so am taking a short break. As I know it will take me about 5 hours to write this paper (I have tracked the whole semester and have found it takes me about 2 hours to write 2 pages ... pages that I would deem acceptable to turn in.) Therefore, I have another 40 minutes to let topics about the philosophy of History, Kant, and Hegel float around in my brain before I have to start writing.

What to do....what to do..... Maybe I will check in with Hulu or Netflix or maybe I will take a nap.

A weekend in thought...

So when you don't feel good and you can't do anything but stay in bed... or on the couch... or in the tub... you end up thinking a lot. This weekend was no different.

One of the running themes of my thoughts has been the changes that I have undergone in the last decade or so which prompted the asking of a what-if scenario. If only I hadn't done such and such would I now be living the life of a normal Mormon woman. Specifically, if I hadn't been in a specific relationship at 19, would my life have taken a different course entirely. One can rarely recognize changes when they are experienced. It is only looking back with 20/20 hindsight that the change become obvious.

As I discussed my what-if scenario with a couple of people, and thought about it on my own for even longer (what else are you supposed to do in the bath waiting for the pills to take effect), I finally recognized the changes that have been made over time. While the choices I have made have placed me on my current path, that doesn't mean that different choices would have me in a different or more "normal" place. At 19, I was searching for something that I had no way of understanding. And while the relationship I had was probably one of the most unhealthy that I hope to ever be in, I was no where near capable of handling a relationship that was actually healthy at that time. So therefore, had I chosen a different relationship, the probability of it being a healthy one was really low.

As a matter of fact, choosing a different, more "normal," relationship could actually have been more detrimental than the one that was chosen. At 19, young women of the LDS Church, are looking for marriage and eternal families. Had I been in a relationship that had headed in that direction I probably would have followed through with those goals. If my hypothesis is correct and I was unable to handle a healthy relationship at that age, I would therefore have placed myself in a very unhealthy marriage. I shudder to think where that path might have led me.

This is not to say that young women of 19 are incapable of healthy relationships that lead to marriage. Nor does this absolve me of the actions that I took at the age of 19. I take full responsibility those actions and the painful consequences.

So what does this mean?

Nothing to anyone but me. Looking back over the last decade, I can see the progression of my relationships and the changes that have occurred slowly over that time. While I might not be quite ready for, what I would term, a completely healthy relationship, I now know who I am and what I truly believe. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but for me.... It is a HUGE step.

P.S. Another good note..... I got an email from the Columbia University about enrollment. I know it was probably a mass emailing to students of the Phi Theta Kappa. But good night nurse, I got an email inviting me to apply to Columbia. I feel special!

A Day In Bed.....

So today was the day of my monthly sickness. It started yesterday afternoon and mom kindly offered her big jacuzzi tub. I finally feel better, but I have done nothing all day. Kinda nice...but I really can't afford the down time. Oh well.

Also, my phone has been dead since yesterday as well. So if you have tried to call, I am sorry. I will go home tomorrow and charge it up.

the midnight hour....

It is that time again and I need a quick break before settling back in for the last 3 pages of my midterm essays that are due tomorrow.

Spring break is over now. I still can't believe it passed by so quickly. But it did and now there is only a short 6 weeks until the end of the semester. I realize that my brain is stuck in school mode as that is where my world revolves. In less than 14 months I will have completed the first portion of the education that I have been headed towards for years. I know the fate of the world will not be affected by my degree. But in reality, my world will tilt on its axis at that point. Granted, I will just be headed off to more school, but that is not the true point.

This thing.... this degree, that I have put so much effort into, will have been received. For a girl that feels that she never completes a project and never settles in one place for long, this is a MASSIVE achievement. And a massively scary step. The future that I have been hoping for is going to be possible. But what if that future is not what I dream it to be. I know for a fact that real life is nothing like school. And yet, even with that fear, I am giddy as a girl on her first day of kindergarden. There are less then 14 MONTHS!

Now I just have to battle the senior-itis that is settling into the creases of my brain.

Okay I am back to a discussion of the trauma of slavery and Holocaust survivors using the neo-slave narratives of Charles Johnson and Mark Twain's Puddi'nhead Wilson.

It's happening....

It has been a hard day for me.... I can't post to much because most of it is work related, but needless to say I had a blessing today for peace an strength.

I sit here, with a paper due in a few hours wishing that i could focus. But there are so many thoughts running through my head that I am hoping that rambling will help.

School has been good. I am fascinated by my classes. There is a lot of reading for each day but I find most of it interesting, even if I am sometimes overwhelmed with the amount.

I have to take the math placement test next week. This will tell me what math classes I can take this summer and weather I am taking 2, 3, or 4 classes.

I am also now actively searching for an internship position. I am hoping to work through a library or museum for the next couple of semesters.

And finally, other than the math classes, I have 9 classes left to take for graduation. In other words, in 1 year 2 months I will have graduated. It is really truly happening.

Is it here yet?

These long nights leave me with to much time to think. Since the holidays haven't been the greatest this year, my thoughts have run to the melancholy (and yes I think of Megamind every time I use that word). In an effort to keep myself busy I have prepped for my upcoming classes, obsessed about last semester's grades, read about 10 books, watched various Bones episodes and other movies, and spent endless hours on the phone to family and friends. But as night fell yet again this evening, I found myself with too much time on my hands and no way to shut off my brain. Thank heavens for school starting on Wednesday. the 6 classes (18 credits) plus the 30 hour work schedule should keep me too busy to have another of these nights for awhile.

Now back to Eve Dallas, hopefully her and Roarke can keep my mind a bit more occupied now that I have written all this down.