Rumor has it.......

Yesterday I was not feeling well and so I slept. I finally got up around 4 to shower and get ready for our roommate dinner. You see, my roommates and I have decided to read books together. I guess it is a private book club. We read a religious book together and then have a dinner to discuss our thoughts on said book. Yesterday we discussed the new Sherri Dew book: If Life Were Easy It Wouldn’t Be Hard.
Anyway I was showered and dressed when my roommates got home from church. Kara had chosen this book and so she had made dinner. The rest of the girls set the table, while I sat at the table and chatted. I was still a little shaky and didn’t want to break anything or worse. Cali had quite the bit of gossip to share. Apparently she was pulled out of Sunday School yesterday to discuss me. Our home teachers were told to check up on me. In the meeting where they discuss the home teaching results they were told that I had a nervous breakdown. Lol! Now granted I took a day off of work because I was a little weepy, I am overly hormonal right now and a friend had died, that is to be expected. Isn’t it? I went to my institute class, I skipped the ski trip, yeah, but I went to the gig for Barefoot Saturday night. It’s not like these people have not seen me. I am usually pensive and quiet. I only am really loud when caffeinated or in the company of really good friends. I guess people just don’t usually notice because I usually surround myself with outgoing people and then sit back…..at least that is the way I see me. Maybe it is not reality. Anyway so now I am trying to find the source of said rumor. We’ll have to see how this started.

Wish me luck. Lol!

Late nights

It's late. I had some cherry coke with our movie tonight. Not my brightest idea, add that to my hour nap this afternoon and I will probably be up for awhile. So I sit in the dark in my living room. We have a bay window there. I love it. It allows me to enjoy the world from the comfort of my couch, especially since we have yet to put up curtains. We'll get there some day. Lol! I like sitting without the lights on, it allows me to see the night. To feel the peace that is there. It is something unlike any other feeling. There is daytime peace and joy. As a matter of fact, I walked home today from the dreaded Saturday basketball games and loved every minute of it. There was so much beauty around me. This world really is a gorgeous creation. I wanted everyone to be as happy as I was at that very moment. It was the kind of happiness that comes every so often. It bubbles up inside for no reason; then there is no place for it to go. It always makes me want to skip or run or something childish like that. Not appropriate for and old 26 year old like me.

………But at night, it's a whole new feeling. It isn't happiness so much as comfort. The smells, sounds, and feel…..I can’t explain it. Have you ever just sat and enjoyed the night. It gets inside of you and just covers you with this blanket of calm. The only thing I can compare it to is sitting in the temple. You can sit and just feel. I love just sitting with a book or my headphones, just soaking in the calm of the night. You soak it in so that when daylight comes you can face the new day. Some people sleep others soak in the calm. Lol! (Relax Steph, Tomorrow is Sunday and I can sleep till 10 and still get a good 8 hours, I will sleep)

That wasn’t what I planned on talking about when I sat down tonight. But then I really had no idea what I wanted to write about so I guess it doesn’t matter.

People are treating me funny. I have been at church functions a couple of times this week. They don’t know what to say. Then they ask me how I am doing. Are the other girls okay? Is there anything I can do? Then the conversation dies. I don’t know what else to say but that people are walking on eggshells. There is no reason to. I am fine. There are others to worry about. It’s the “What do I say to you now that your friend died” phase. It’s not a phase they should be going through with me. I really wasn’t that great of friends with Aly. There are others that were much closer to her.

Fatigue is finally kicking in. I think I will go to bed now. The world is beautiful. I look forward to seeing it tomorrow. As Anne Shirley says, “Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet.”
Night!

Thoughts......

So.....I took the day off work. I couldn't focus this morning. My mind jumps from one topic to the next and back again. Apparently I am not taking the news about Aly as well as I thought I was. It doesn't seem real. And I really barely knew her. We had been friends for just a short time. I could find other reasons to explain this melancholy. I could say it is just that I have allowed it to build up and this rock broke the dam. That happens to me. I don't get emotional about anything and then all of a sudden it comes in a flood. Steph went through the last one with me and I didn't think she needed me to break on her again. (I know you read that Steph and went "That is never a problem" said in the most indignant tone possible. Let it go. You have other things on your mind.) Plus this way I break and no one watches. It is uncomfortable to all of a sudden tear up, for no apparent reason, and have people look at you with pity in their eyes. I hate that. Especially because I hate being the person who has sympathy and knows there is nothing I can do. And really there is nothing any one can do. I can't fix this for anyone else. I can't even seem to fix it for myself.

Going Away

I have been pondering my reaction to the latest information for 2 days now. I am not like Steph. She puts away the hindering emotions until the work is done(she makes me think of my mother in the good ways). Nor am I like the people who break down and can't function for tears and depression. Usually I am fine. Today my thoughts are scattered. I can't focus on any particular thing. Except for the fact that my reaction seems cold. I don't intend it to be. I don't want to be thought of as a person who doesn't care. I do care. I fear that I don't show it. I don't know if it just my religion and my faith or my fear of emotion and the weakness it shows or that I hear my mother saying that it is the selfish part of us that wants them to stay around which causes me not to get emotional at this point. Probably all of the above.

The first time I encountered death I was 11. My best friend was shot by a drug dealer/terrorist during a high speed chase. Her mother was shot on accident when the police opened fire on the car they were in. It was closed casket so there were no tearful goodbyes. But I do remember shouting at God one night in my room, it was very melodramatic as only an 11 year old drama queen can be. There were experiences that brought peace though. From then on I began to equate death with someone moving away. Moving was something that had played a large role in my life up to that point. It was something that my 11 year old mind could understand. After that the losses became more frequent. My parents divorced and we moved away. It was the death of the life I understood and hearing from Dad was infrequent. Then Mom remarried and we moved again; to Utah leaving all of Mom's relative's behind only to be seen on rare occasions. Friends and family were in and out. I lost grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc...but I have always looked at it the same way. The 11 year old inside of be holds on to the thought that they have just moved far away and someday I will see them again. When written out it seems as if I am not dealing with the deaths, and maybe I am not. I could be just putting it off indefinitely. I am no psychologist, nor do I desire to be one.
Here is where my faith plays a part. I know that there is something after this. It's my belief that according to God's time this life is just a blink. It seems long but as Einstein once said: "When a young man is courting an hour seems like a second; when you sit on a hot coal a second seems like and hour. That's relativity!" (I probably slaughtered that quote. I'll have to go home and check) Life here is so short and our only goal is to get through it. To learn what we came here to learn and return to our Father in Heaven. Where those that we love are waiting. Therefore, though trite, I honestly feel that they have gone on to a better place where they will welcome us one day. They moved away, and, like the friend left behind, we are the ones standing on the curb watching the taillights disappear, wishing they would come back and play with us.

Support

The bad news came today. A friend of mine has been in the hospital since Thursday. It was one of the routine surgeries. They were removing an enlarged thyroid. From what I understand, the surgery went well, but late that night there was a reaction to her pain medication. Things have gone done hill from there, she went into Cardiac Arrest, there was no oxygen to her brain for 15 minutes, then there were various seizures, followed by a medically induced coma. She has been this way for 3 days now. She was neither improving nor getting any worse, until this morning. This morning the Neurologist said that things were definitely getting worse. She was given 48 hours to live. I do not know how I feel about this yet. I am not really great friends with this girl. I know who she is and I enjoy her company; she is an amazing girl.
My worries are more focused on one of my closest friends. Steph has been with her through it all. She was there for the recovery stage of the original surgery and everything that has followed. There has been little sleep for Steph and lots of stress. As our friend’s mother falls into denial Steph is taking the brunt of everything else. She is co-coordinating family arrivals, listening to Doctors reports, trying to keep up beat and available to all. So as I sifted through the fog of shock at this morning’s news all I would think was that I needed to somehow be there for Steph. This is a heavy load. Not one I have ever carried and so I cannot even understand it fully. But I know that this is not an easy thing. But I cannot take it away. All I can do is be here for the times when it gets too much. Or to take care of the little things she needs. Like the tracking down a phone number or picking up a meal. I can’t do anything big, but I can take care of the small things to lighten the load for her. So I felt the need to be at the hospital, not to see Alicia. I adore her, but I am not here for her. I am here for Steph. I hope she realizes that. I brought my laptop and a book. I sit here in the waiting room as family and various friends travel in and out of the ICU. I ponder about life, friendship, and family. I listen to the stories of those that wait around me. I have set myself at the one happy spot in the waiting room. Across from the vending machines. Next to the widows. I figure that is as happy as it gets here.
I will do what I can. Maybe it is foolish. I fear that people look at me and see someone who doesn’t really know Alycia but is cashing in on the Drama. I have had people think that before. It is uncomfortable feeling, but for my friends I will do anything. So I will patiently wait to see if I am needed. Sometimes we all need to know that someone will be there when we fall, even if the fall never comes.

Last Holiday

I felt the need to write. Today was an interesting day. There was a trip to the dr. Yes everyone take a deep breath, the test have been ordered and after my 12 hour fast this evening my blood will be drawn in the morning. Results will be in early next week and all will be clear. It is all in my head…right. Wishful thinking!

Back to my purpose. Tonight I went to a birthday party for a friend and enjoyed myself. It is not my usual crowd and yet, I realized that I can be at home anywhere. I have mastered the art of lying in wait, judging the atmosphere, and molding myself to fit the situation. And that is what I did tonight. There were no dirty jokes or innuendo….just clean fun and chit chat with various LDS young adults. I enjoyed it. My roommate Kate on the other hand did not. So we cut out early to catch a flick. We picked out Last Holiday with Queen Latifah. Why you ask. You have already seen it. Why repeat this one. That is my reason for writing tonight.

I have now watched this film twice and enjoyed it both times. Maybe it is because I seem to connect with the Character Georgia Burns. The moral to this movie is that there is nothing but possibilities; we should be living life to the fullest. There is a line in the middle where she says: “You know how it is; you keep your head down and you push along. Then one day you look up and wonder ‘how did I get here?’.” (I tack on “and where am I?) I see that all around me. People just keep pushing through, never willing to look up and see all the wonder that surrounds us. Life is amazing, people are amazing, and the world is amazing. There are so many things to try and see….if only we look for it. My friend Eddie commented on how everything that was important to her was of monetary value. She goes to a nice hotel and tries to spend all of her money. This upset me when he said it the first time we saw it. And it upset me again as I watched it the second time (and he wasn’t even there. Lol!) But in her actions I see her doing the things shee had always wanted to do. And she does them with vivacity and…well grace is the word that comes to mind. She holds to her beliefs even when all she can do is question God? She holds to her morals and values, and she shares it with those that are around her. She does not fear opening her mouth to speak her mind, regardless of who may be listening. Be it local hotel staff, senators, congressmen, rich business tycoons, or anyone else. And yet as she opens her mouth she does it in a way so as not to hurt, she speaks truth but is not cruel or unkind. As they say in the movie: “Life is too short….” There is so much to try and to learn and to see, in the world and in the people who surround us. What are we waiting for? Do we have to wait for a sign? What is enough of a sign? 60 degrees on a beautiful January morning, is that enough for you to look around and be grateful for what we have been blessed with? Maybe it will give you the push to try something new. A different menu item at your favorite restaurant, or drive a new way home, maybe talk to someone new on the metro, or read that book you always wanted. Plan that trip you always wanted to take. Budget if you have to, but remember……this is important too. It is important to take sometime to take care of you. You can’t plan for someone else to take care of you. And your happiness and love for yourself is just as important and your love for anyone else. As my roommate Kate says: The second great commandment is: love your neighbor as yourself. You have to love and take care of yourself first before you can do it for anyone else.” How can you expect to be able to care for children and spouse or anyone else if you do not care for yourself?
So much food for thought. It is late I am tired. Good night.

Quirky?

So I got tagged......What you don't realize (and maybe you do) is that I am panicking here. I pretty much pretend that no one reads my blog. I have been told it is extremely personal. Which it is. But this is stuff I never say to anyone. And this way it gets out, and I do not bore any one. Does that count as being a Quirk?
What is the definition? We are going with definition 2: Odd Mannerism; a peculiar habit, mannerism, or aspect of somebody’s character.

I have many of those but 5:

1) I guilt myself. It is this horrible aspect of my personality. When ever I do anything I always check to see who I have offended or hurt and then feel guilty for all their problems as if it is somehow all my fault. This is ingrained and recently I am working to overcome this…..there is intense breathing and repeating of the phrase…”I have nothing to feel guilty about!” Lol!

2) I quote random movies. This is not a quirk that can be used upon demand. Every quote has to go with the situation. It will pop in my head and come out of my mouth before I can stop it. They are never lines or films that people know. They are the old school Disney films (The One and Only Genuine, Original, Family Band for example) or if a popular film...it is the line that no one remembers.

3) I have to read before bed. I cannot fall asleep with out it. It is what shuts my mind down. Unfortunately it gets even odder. I have to read a book that I have read before. If I haven’t read it before I cannot sleep with out knowing the ending. So I have to read a book that I know the ending to so my mind will start to shut off.

4) When I was in high school I was an insomniac, sort of. I couldn’t sleep unless I felt completely safe. This caused problems as home was not a safe haven. Therefore I would spend my nights watching TV or reading. I would sleep at various places. As a Junior and senior it was usually driving in my boyfriend’s car. I would also take naps at my various friends’ houses. My best friend’s parent’s house was my favorite. I slept well there.

5) I have a running commentary in my head. Sort of like a novel. It is rather funny they are not good novels either. I always have full paragraphs that I read in my head about every situation. I don’t know how they are written they just appear….things like as I sit at a table for dinner…part of my mind will be on the conversation the other part will be reading…..the lights were low and the conversations loud. People stood along the walls searching for vacant tables.. As we talked the…blah blah blah…you get the idea.

Is that quirky enough for you? To stick with the idea that no one reads this I am not tagging anyone. Hope this brought you a chuckle.

Some times we never learn

I hate not feeling well. Unfortunately this is my own damn fault. (pardon the cursing) I have not taken care of myself this year. I know that I am to take things slow and to rest frequently. I know that I need to eat healthy and be careful when it comes to certain activities. I know that when I have been frequently active I need to rest and take it easy for a couple of days. But I finally got a chance to live and baby I was doing just that. I was living and playing and enjoying. Without frequent check ups with my doctor I have not kept an eye on my thyroid or iron levels. And they are now crashing. At least that is what I am telling myself. The fatigue is back......I am sleeping all of the time. Short naps here and there through out the days.......days where I don't go to church and sleep till 4......days where I call in sick to work and sleep all day and then all night.....and am still tired the next day.......Frequent bloody noses......pressure in my chest from fatigue.......weakness.....dizziness......scrambled thought processes. It is all the same as 5 years ago. I hate it. But this is what I get. So now I get to go to a new Doctor and explain what is going on. My family doctor is back in Utah and therefore I have to get a new one. Thursday she will run blood tests, listen to me breathe, check my weight, and tell me she'll call in a few days. Then they will make me come back in and tell me what my options are. I get to take a pill.....or not take a pill......if my iron levels are low enough they will put me on an IV once a week for a month. I hate this.....
I wish I was normal......that I had the energy to do everything....I hate weakness.........
I have probably repeated myself 10 times so I had better go. It is nap time.

I haven't really written anything in days. Yesterdays post was written one night last week. I have not been in the mood to write......That and I have been crazy busy. I miss the lazy days. I don't think they will return anytime soon. I am not complaining. I like being busy....but I miss the days where I would get to go home and do the things I needed....like cleaning or laundry. Instead of putting it off until it is a..."this has to be done tonight" moment. My pictures finally arrived from Utah. Only took a year for my sister-in-law to get them in the mail. But they arrived in one piece. No broken glass any where. Unfortunately I have not had the time to 1) take down the Christmas decorations nor 2) hang the Vettrianos that arrives. It looks like sometime between the hours of 2 am and 9 am tomorrow are available. I want to do it then. My roommates have planned a BBQ for tomorrow afternoon(yes I know it is January but it is going to be 60 degrees...) and I want the pictures hanging by then. Plus if they are hanging it is one less thing on my bedroom floor, which currently looks like a disaster of immense proportions. I feel kind of like the young boy who wrote the president asking for federal disaster relief.......Lol!

As you can see my thoughts are scattered. They seem unable to stay steady on a specific thought these days. That is okay......Usually when they do, they are not as happy as I want then to be. Therefore we will flit for awhile. Lol!

Oh By the way,

It is official.......I have been in this fabulous state a year. I made it through the first year. I did not cave and go home......phone calls to the kids are weekly(as opposed to daily like it used to be)........I have convinced the family that this is permanent. That is quite an accomplishment for me. So that was my official pat on the back. Lol!

Attraction

January 8th

Attraction is an interesting thing. I have discussed it in previous posts. There was an attraction felt and I thought shared. This causes many problems for me. And most of these are completely preventable. They happen to all be in my head. I know this. The world knows this. But there are many things in my head that I cannot change. My mother, for instance, usually resides there and is hard to turn off. Lol! But back to attraction. Here is what usually happens to me when I am attracted to some one.

I’ll start with a crush. I watch and I see who and what he is like. Mild flirtation comes and goes. If it is reciprocated then it might increase. And here comes the tricky part. I start to panic. What if he doesn’t like me, what if I say or do something stupid, what if he thinks I am stupid? What if he thinks I am ugly? What if he only likes me because I have a decent rack? What if…..What if….. And then I start acting funny around him. I stop being me, I never know what to say and so I stop saying anything. I start thinking……I know that is bad. Especially when I then think that he should know what I am thinking and therefore act accordingly. I know this is my own personal psychosis. What can I say, I recognize it and still this is a problem. For some reason it, like my mother’s voice, can only be muted for so long. Then it comes screaming to the forefront and I can’t ignore it.

Some day after I have gotten over this stupid habit, maybe I will go back to trying to date people. But for now it is giving me an ulcer! I’ll go back to being friends. It is easier. If anyone wants something more then that they will have to tell me. Lol! And since I am only interested in the shy ones…well we know how well that will work. Lol!

Kong

I can’t believe how busy I am lately. It will slow down again, but for now I am enjoying the pace. Tonight I saw the movie King Kong and it has left me contemplative. Therefore I am going to listen to the Anne of Green Gables soundtrack and try to get my thoughts out in an orderly fashion. If you are going to see King Kong, then don’t read as some of the story is written about.

As I watched the movie I realized many things…….I still hate bugs (Yet another reason I am still up…I get terrible nightmares from these types of movies. Lol!)

But more then that I looked at human character. There are so many facets to human nature it is hard to put a label on any one person. In this movie there is never just the hero, the villain, the comic relief, etc. I watched the characters on the screen and wondered how I would react. Where would I stand? Who would I be? I think inside of each of us is a myriad of possibilities, but when it comes down to it…..what would I do?

Would I be Carl who is only in it for the money and fame? Though he spouts the words of honor and remembrance; he does not know what they mean. Does he ever truly understand the consequences of his actions? Does he ever realize that really it is ALL his fault?

Am I the Ships Captain? He is all about himself, yet he is persuaded to mount both rescue missions for the girl. He is also persuaded to capture Kong. Is he good or bad? Or Both?

Am I the First Mate? He spends his time protecting others and trying to better those around him. He gives his life for those he is trying to protect.

Am I Jack? Is Jack truly a hero? He fits the definition. He goes after his love, even when all looks to be lost. He tries to save people, even when they are not looking for his help. He does this without flamboyance, without thanks, without any sort of acknowledgement. But does he understand what is going on with Anne and Kong. Does he ever try to see why things happen? Or does he just react to what happens, Hoping that he is doing right?

Am I the movie investors? Not willing to put all that much effort into things, but more then happy to reap the rewards of others endeavors.

Am I Carl’s Assistant? He does not have many lines but I believe that he plays a significant role. He is there through everything; he sees and hears it all. He knows what he is getting everyone else into. He gives half-hearted attempts to derail the project. But then he does what he is told. “It is his job” you might say. During the depression, jobs were hard to come by and he was probably just happy that he had work. But throughout the movie, he was always there, always mopping up Jacks mess. In the end he distances himself from Jack, after he realizes that “Carl destroys everything he loves”. But is it too late by then? Am I the person that will push and try till it is past saving?

Am I Anne? Do I let myself be taken from those things I find important. Do I try to step out of the drama only to find myself embroiled in the mess that is caused from others actions? As I watched her at the end her helplessness was almost palpable. Knowing that she was going to fail but trying anyway. Knowing that this was the end but praying for it not to end?


And finally, am I the people of New York? Am I there for the ride? Am I there for the entertainment, not realizing the power that is being held captive? Not caring about how it happens, only that I am entertained. Reacting out of fear, conquering where there is no need, and rejoicing in the death of what I do not understand?

I think I have significant portions of each of them in me. They don’t necessarily come out all at once, some I never allow the light of day, but they are there just the same. As much as I want to believe that I am the first mate I think in reality I am most like Carl’s Assistant. (I wish I could remember the characters name). He does step up to the plate and save Anne and Jack, the first time. He is scarred forever for his action, but he saves their lives so I don’t think he complained much. When it was time to push or shove, he did the right thing. In that moment, he stops being the lackey and starts being who he could have always been.

It is about 12:30 here and I need to get some sleep. But I wanted to get my thoughts of King Kong down in print. No tears from me, but a very contemplative mood about who each of us really is, who we want to be, and who to we allow others to think we are.

Scattered.......

I tried blogging earlier in the day but I couldn’t organize my thoughts. So I am blogging from home again. I have done this the past couple of blogs. I sit in front of my Christmas tree (maybe it will come down next week) and think back over the day. Last night, I was distracted by one of my roommates and there for the blog was all over the place as our conversation progressed.

Today I was tired. I read a book late into the evening last night and therefore had to drag myself out of bed. One of the most difficult things in the world is getting up the morning after the weekend. No, not due to any sort of morning after hangover, more or less due to a strong desire to NOT go to work. Lol! They day was good. I think the best part was coming home from Work!! Hannah is Home! I cannot tell you how much I have missed that kid. I got to hear all about her Vacation, which was much better then mine. Lol! She really is a sweetheart. She is a little flighty and young but she and I get along really well. We have a lot of fun. It’s a type of family connection I do not have with any of my family. At this time I am barely connected to my family. But those that I am connected have more of a parental type relationship. So Hannah is the younger sister that I adore.

Tonight as I sit in the living room here we are almost all home. Camille is on her phone in her room (common for 9 pm ) , Hannah is unpacking in her room, mooning over her boy back home (meant in the best way possible) Kate has gone to dinner with some friends that are home for the holidays, Kara is in her room chatting it up with our unofficial roommate Brenda. Brenda doesn’t live here, but she has a key and is here every day. Lol! We love her so no one complains. If Cali were home she would be studying at the table or in her room. She always is. Lol!

I am a creature of habit. I am happiest when the atmosphere I am used to continues as I expect it to. I can’t wait till Cali returns and all will be right in my world once more. What will I do when this happy little world comes to an end? Hannah is already making plans to go to grad school at BYU. We can’t live here forever, and would we really want to? We will all want to move on at sometime. But for now, I get to enjoy. I got very lucky with this house. God blessed me with this group of girls and I am going to enjoy the blessings that He sends.

The New Year!

This New Year is starting out fabulous. Yesterday, though it started out with me not feeling well, was pretty great. It is always nice to learn that someone thinks you are attractive. And that he has thought that I was attractive for a while. What better way to start off a new year than to feel attractive. Lol! And then today was a girl’s day. (Darn boy had other plans. Grr) I had so much fun today. There was lots of laughter, lots of talking, lots of food, and lots of just over all fun. My Brother and his wife had their first baby today. 7 lbs 10 ozs. 19 inches. No Name as of yet!! How exciting is that.
My roommates have started to return. I am realizing how much I like them. I miss them when they are not here. KT was here when I returned so we have had fun already. K returned last night and so we got to talk today. C returned tonight and we had fun chatting. H returns tomorrow and I can’t wait to hear how things went with the boy back home. CN doesn’t return for a couple of weeks and then we will have to have some sort of celebration. There are many celebrations this year. January 12th makes it 1 year here in DC. January 16th makes it one year of knowing S, A, and G. So we are partying through out the month. Throw in a performance of Les Mes with A and a church ski trip………..ohhhhh wait………and a date to the National Symphony. This looks like a fabulous month for me!! I am going to be a happy girl. Lol!

January 2nd, 2006

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Change?

A couple of days ago I blogged about change. I blogged, in essence, wondering if we were sinning by not trying to challenge ourselves to be better constantly. Today the thought has returned in a different view. More to the effect of, maybe it is not possible not to change. As they say in my church, if you are not moving forward you are sliding back. I know the world in constantly changing and that those in it are doing the same. Nothing stays the same forever, not even people. So how do I want to change? I have been trying to figure out what my resolutions should be for this New Year. I still do not know. What goals do I want for the next 365 days? I want to go to Europe; but is that a worthy goal. Does that better me? Or is that just a selfish wish to go and play somewhere? I want to continue to lose weight, but I know that it is not something I will actively work on. So I can’t really count that one. What else do I want? I want to get on track spiritually. I am not where I was a year ago in that area; but how to regain the spirituality with out losing the traits I have gained over the last year. I will go into more detail about that another day; I think that deserves its own blog. Someone remind me to write about that. Lol!
Last years goals were huge. I wanted to let my family stand on its own 2 feet. I wanted to start my own life. I wanted to lose weight. I wanted to become more confident. I wanted to be outgoing and make new friends. Essentially, I wanted to learn who I was and what I could accomplish. And boy did I succeed. With out even trying I lost 30 pounds. I moved across the country last January, I got a new job, got a second job, lost the second and found my niche back at the first company. I learned what things were important to me. I learned that I do have an opinion about things other than diapers, homework assignments, bedtimes, and cartoons. I learned that I can voice these opinions (well sort of). I learned that I can take care of myself. But even more importantly, I learned that there are those I can go to when I am not strong enough to stand on my own. And THAT IT IS OKAY. As much as I want to be independent and take care of myself, I learned that I am not superwoman. And I don’t have to be. I learned that I have a deep need for approval from others. I need others to tell me that I am okay. Which I am trying to overcome, but until I get there, I learned that my friends will be there to bolster my flagging self esteem. I learned that I can choose good friends on my own. I also learned that my instincts aren’t the best; I tend to look for the best in others. This is good and bad. But I am looking at it positively, because all of God’s children need to have someone tell them they are good enough. Unfortunately I also learned that without work, I let my religious side go. But, as I mentioned, that is for another time. I have spent the last 365 days learning who I am and how I react to things. This has brought me the confidence I desired. I feel I have exceeded my expectations of last year’s resolutions. This is why I feel such pressure about this year’s resolutions. I feel they need to be something big, something awe inspiring. I think my awe inspiring goal will be to get my temple recommend renewed. That is a big deal. At least it is for me. And what about my selfish goal? I want to go to Europe.

There you have it. My New Year’s Resolutions for 2006:

Return to the Temple
Go to Europe.
Continue with last year’s resolution to loose weight by walking.

Wonder how long they will last? Any one want to place bets? Lol!

Rae