Attraction

January 8th

Attraction is an interesting thing. I have discussed it in previous posts. There was an attraction felt and I thought shared. This causes many problems for me. And most of these are completely preventable. They happen to all be in my head. I know this. The world knows this. But there are many things in my head that I cannot change. My mother, for instance, usually resides there and is hard to turn off. Lol! But back to attraction. Here is what usually happens to me when I am attracted to some one.

I’ll start with a crush. I watch and I see who and what he is like. Mild flirtation comes and goes. If it is reciprocated then it might increase. And here comes the tricky part. I start to panic. What if he doesn’t like me, what if I say or do something stupid, what if he thinks I am stupid? What if he thinks I am ugly? What if he only likes me because I have a decent rack? What if…..What if….. And then I start acting funny around him. I stop being me, I never know what to say and so I stop saying anything. I start thinking……I know that is bad. Especially when I then think that he should know what I am thinking and therefore act accordingly. I know this is my own personal psychosis. What can I say, I recognize it and still this is a problem. For some reason it, like my mother’s voice, can only be muted for so long. Then it comes screaming to the forefront and I can’t ignore it.

Some day after I have gotten over this stupid habit, maybe I will go back to trying to date people. But for now it is giving me an ulcer! I’ll go back to being friends. It is easier. If anyone wants something more then that they will have to tell me. Lol! And since I am only interested in the shy ones…well we know how well that will work. Lol!