Bad?

I wanted to blog something light hearted today. As a matter of fact last night it was a tunning joke what would end up in our blogs today. I went out with 3 of my good friends here and was informed we have Sex in the City Experiences. Having never seen the show I was unable to put in my two cents. Therefore as every choose who was who I was told I am Carrie(by default). If you know what this means please explain. But I digress.....
What has been most on my mind is arguments. There were words said among my friends that caused upset. I hate this! I am one of those people that wants all of my friends to be friends with each other. I sometimes don't understand why they can't be. But then I am of the personality that allows each person to be who they are regardless of their choices. I have made too many horrendous ones to judge any one elses choice. (Granted, as has already been mentioned in my blogs, the judgements go on in my head but I recognize that they are undeserved and therefore I keep them to myself and silently berate myself for them) I can tell you what I believe or don't but you are always free to choose for yourself. That is what this life is all about. Especially for my friends.

There is one exception to this rule, and this is the conflict. My family and close friends fall with in a circle of protection that can cause me to lose my temper. And my temper is not something that should be unleashed on the world. Lol! It has violent tendencies, kind of like a mama bear and her cubs. Back the hell off and leave my babies alone. But what happens when my friends are the ones that are odds with each other. The urge to protect both of them is strong. So is the urge to tell them to accept one another and let it go. These things must change on their own, not by force.
I must go so I will have to blog the rest later. I am having a hard time trying to stay out of this. I hate when my friends are upset
And they are upset today.

Better yourself?

So, I know...twice in one day. It is a lot for me but this is bugging me. Therefore it will spew forth into the virtual world so I may forget it.

I was having an online discussion with one of my brother today's. This specific brother is not even a full year older then me, married, speaks 4 languages fluently, Returned missionary, and working on a degree from the Y in Middle Eastern Studies. He also works full time for on eof his Professors doing various research. His first child is due in May. I really look up to him, he is rather intelligent and one of those people that never says anything with out factual evidence to back it up. He never falls back on emotion, always on logic and facts. Usually we discuss topics that I enjoy, as we did today. But at the end of our conversation he said something that had me pondering. This was not something I could discuss with him. As I earlier posted I want to be accepted by my family therefore do not want to have this brother think any less of me for my thoughts.

Now on to what he said: We were discussing ADD and how this brother stays on task by competing with himself to finish the task. As in a faster time or getting more done. He then said this was eternal life. To motivate oneself by competing against who you were yesterday.
This struck me and I have been stuck ever since.

What if I like who I was yesterday.....I can see that I am not perfect. I am overweight. I do not eat as healthy as I should. I am pushy and anal. I procrastinate. Worst of all, I am extremely judgmental (but it's only in my head for the most part, I try not to say anything out loud) And some of these things need to be fixed. But How to compete? See how many comments I make a day I shouldn't and try to make less everyday? That seems silly. Be kinder to the people I work with, try to put off less every day. Do I want to do that?

If I choose not to is it considered sinning? A sin of commission or omission? I know that we are to constantly supposed to be bettering ourselves, trying to become like Christ. So if we give up, if we enjoy who we are...are we knowingly being bad. You write it out that way, it sure sounds like it. I am not really a horrible person. I am just not perfect. Right now I am pretty happy with me. The demanding, tight clothing wearing, skank my family thinks of me. And that is probably not very good. Lol!

Good Day? Bad Day?

I awoke today in a fabulous mood yet again. It is always a good sign when I can convince myself to get out of bed. Lol! It's just so warm and comfy with the pressure of the covers music playing softly from my alarm......Not this morning though. As comfy as I was the alarm had to go off so as not to wake the baby in the next room. Not my baby, Obviously we have company staying with us. But that didn't even bother me. It was morning and I had a good 6 hours under my belt and I was happy to be up. The Temperature was to be 50 today. It is Friday. I had family and friends to email and a weekend (New Year's Eve) to plan....It was looking to be fabulous. And it stayed that way. Thru the morning, thru work drudgery and half way thru Lunch time pedicures..... Then it hit again. I don't even know what brought it about. I AM SINGLE. Sometimes I believe this is a fabulous things. Other times, like today, I detest it. I hear the ex-husband, horrible step-family, soon to be ex-brother-in-law, etc stories and think, wow am I lucky. Then I hear the wonderful, "she held my hand for the first time", or "he sent me flowers" or read wonderful blogs of people who are in love and I think "am I ever going to find that?" Ironically the song I Say a Little Prayer for You just started playing. Some days you can't win for losing, as my mother says.
This will pass. I am going to dinner tonight. Then I'll go to a movie. Tomorrow is the Caps Game, and fun in the district. I will have fun. This funk will pass. I just won't be as happy as could be if I had someone to share it with. So I'll be as happy as I can be by myself. Lol!

Sleep-who knew?

It is amazing what affects your physical and mental body. Sleep affects both!! Just in case you were wondering, sleep or the lack thereof has a very distinct effect on me. Take yesterday for example. Trying to function became really difficult around 10 am. I had slid past being up for 24 hours with out a problem, so I thought. I could no longer multi-task, I even had to pay attention just to walk up the stairs. I didn't realize I was doing it until I sat down. Lol! So yesterday is kind of hazy. Most of the day was on auto-pilot, this allowed me a plausible excuse to leave early. Which I did, dragging S along with me. We went to see The Family Stone. This would be the second time I have seen this movie. Maybe it was because I was tired, or maybe because it was my second time, but I looked at the movie differently. Now this was a very short introspection as right after the movie I went home and slept for 12 hours. But, The first time I thought the movie really funny. But this time, while still funny, it struck me as scary. I have never been in that sort of a situation, S has and we discussed briefly. But the........ uncomfortable-ness of Sarah Jessica Parkers character is my greatest fear. There is a specific scene that was painful for me to watch, both times. I see how uncomfortable she is and how hard she is trying to fit in. She really is trying, but no one is helping, not her sister, not her boyfriend. You see her stammer and crack from the pressure. And those she trusts most, don't do anything. There you go: my greatest fear. And it came out when I was drunk with fatigue. Lol!

This morning I have been pondering that fear. With a clear head I realize that this is something that has always been. I have never felt that I fit in with my family. Or, more appropriately, that I didn't fit in with my surroundings. I attended Sacrament Meeting at the home ward over the holidays and I watched all the kids I spent high school with. They greeted each other like long lost friends. I have none of those. My ward was one I attended because I had to. I had acquaintances. But no lasting friends, I never fit with that crowd. I lived in my books. Now as an adult, I recognize the fear that stopped me from approaching people there. It was the fear of not being accepted, knowing that if I fell there was no one to pick me up. My family was too busy trying to survive to watch out for just one ego among the many. So I rejected them before they could reject me. Now as an adult I am trying to over come that fear. It still shows up at odd moments. But I realize as I become more comfortable in my own skin, The acceptance of others is less important. Still important for me, as I want everyone to like me and be happy, but not as important as it once was.
There is my epiphany for the day.
Now that my brain is empty, I have to get some work done. Lol!

Flying Home

I sit here in the Denver airport listening to the soundtrack to Rent and wishing that 2 hours would fly by so I can take a nap on the red eye flight to Baltimore. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I guess I should say today as at home it is already 11:49. 10 minutes to tomorrow. Would you like to know what it looks like where I am? Airports are always alive. Be it night or day. There are people walking up and down. As I walked off the plane from SLC I ended up walking next to a couple, probably no more then 20 if that. They had apparently missed their plane by a few minutes. From the things in their hands it seems they were in a restaurant and came late for the departure time. Angry words were shouted down the hall as they walked with me away from the ramp. It is amazing how people react so differently to things. (This is the judgmental me here) I would have been blaming myself for being late to my flight; instead these kids were angrily berating the airlines, the flight attendant at the gate, and the airport in general for their tardiness. Seemingly placing the blame anywhere but on themselves. They walked along side of me all the way to my new gate where I pulled out of the walk way and they continued on. I could here them down the hall. Amazingly enough seconds later there was and overhead announcement asking 2 passengers to return to their gate immediately. I look up to see this young couple running down the hall for the gate. They were yelling at each other to hurry and for the people in front of them to move. Interesting how those that complain the loudest always end up getting their way. Where is the break for those of us that take the results that we are given? Oh well. The airport is quite like the bus terminal I sat in just last week. It is warmer here. There are people sprawled across the waiting area. I am between two gates. Mine heads to Baltimore and the other heads out to Philadelphia at the same time. Some try to nap while we wait, others have books or papers to read. Some are on phones. There is one man shouting into his cell phone. What I heard before I put on my headphones sounded like a Germanic language. The only reason I know he is still shouting is because he keeps waving his arms. Oddly enough he changes the phone from one ear to the next so he can wave the other arm. I wonder if his arms are getting tired. Maybe his is not angry; maybe I misunderstand because of the language barrier. Maybe he is professing his undying love to the woman of his dreams who refuses to join him in the states. Who knows? Lol!
Many have some sort of laptop and are either playing games, watching a movie, or typing. The few that don’t fit into those categories stare at the TV’s that are provided. It seems to be some sort of CNN program. It repeats and, if I am correct, playing the same news that I watched for an hour in SLC. Not something I want to watch again.

The passengers on these two flights range in age, gender, and familial status. It seems there is no specific group who fly red eye. There is a family for each gate area. Both have small children playing on the floor in front of them. I assume the parents hope the children will sleep on the flight. You can tell the parents by the way their heads bob every few minutes. Not in sleep but in a silent head count to make sure everyone is accounted for and acting appropriately. There are quite a few couples, sitting cuddled in the glow of the relationship. Old and young alike, it seems there were no fights for these couples. Most are interacting with those around them or each other. One couple is watching a movie together; one couple has two copies of the same book and keep pointing things out to each other, one couple is napping in each others arms. My personal favorite is the couple talking on the phone together. He says something and she leans over to add to the conversation in his ear, talking into the mouthpiece. There is a lot of laughter in that conversation. It seems……nice. There was a wistful sigh there, you just can’t hear it. But isn’t that what we all want? Something Nice? There are also quite a few solo passengers. There are fewer smiles among this group. Most have something that separates them from the rest of the passengers. Listening to some sort of head phone with glazed over eyes, reading a book and never looking up, furiously typing on a laptop, or even worse typing with headphones on(oops I fall into this category. Lol! :P). It seems that we are quite an unsocial crowd tonight. It is very unlike my flight last week where I had quite an interesting conversation with various people on my flights and in the airport. Tonight is seems a solemn crowd. Holidays are over and a new year to work through. Well I am about talked out and I am not in the mood to make any new friends. So I might as well pull out one of the fabulous games on this laptop and play. I still have another hour to wait. Hope all had a fabulous Holiday.

Christmas

I did blog yesterday for all of you who were worried. Lol! Twice even. But it is stuck on my laptop so I will have to add it later. It was not happy, know this now. AND it was not a "single life sucks at the holidays"(though that is true). The fight was bad and the damage...well lets just say this will hurt for a while. My sisters do know my weakness and can use them against me when they feel it is needed. It is repairable but the trust will have to be re-built. And that takes a while. You know the old adage, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" or what ever. Let's just say you hit once and I rarely give you a chance for twice. I know that makes me judgmental and all of that but it also makes it hurt a lot less. Well I have an empty schedule for today so I am going to go and......hmmmm maybe take a bath. That sounds nice and requires no interaction with my family. I'll get the other blogs uploaded when I get back on Wed. I hope every one else had a Merry Christmas.

CHRISTMAS BACK TRACK: __________________________________________________________________ Christmas Day

Today started early. For some odd reason my sister and I woke together at about 4 am. It was nice to just sit and talk together. T is struggling this season. This time last year she left her husband for the first time, due to his infidelity. This time this year, after a full year of trying to make things work, they are getting divorced. I know the holidays are hard for me as a single. I know now how much harder they are for her. I have a different view then T, she still loves the jerk and I want to rip him to shreds with my bare hands (whoops temper showing). But this is causing her much turmoil this year, which she takes out on those she knows will love her regardless of her snappishness. Oh wait, that puts me at the top of the list. I don’t know whether to be happy she knows I love her unconditionally or frustrated that I am the one to get snapped at. Oh well family is always a joy. We can do nothing more then support them. (Yes that was sarcasm) Once the kids got up around 7:30 there were presents all around. The ornaments were loved. With only one mishap, Lukas’ piglet got broken. He got Piglet from Winnie the Pooh, being the smallest and all. We are going to see if it can be fixed. The boys got air/bb guns. Mom and T are upset. The boys and I have already taken them for a test run in the yard. I have horrible aim. But it was fun. No more guns on Sunday though. Lol! They also got White shirts and Ties. The color of which match my dress for church. I am excited to go to church now. Lol! Life is……..life, neither good nor bad. But peaceful for the moment. Uh oh…gotta go to breakfast.


Christmas Night

Amazing how the peace on this earth is always short lived. It lasted thru church and the remarks about my Christmas dress, thru the family dinner and the remarks about the rest of my clothes, even made it thru the gifts and the familial chit chat that follows which of course must center on my singleness for a bit at least once in the conversation. But then as people started leaving things got tense……I got a call from a friend this evening he and I have been friends for a couple of months. I can only presume that he was calling to wish me a merry Christmas. As the teasing started I tried to explain to my family that he is just a friend, so I mentioned that he was engaged and perfectly happy. Proving our relationship is nothing but friendship. This was my mistake. I should have let it go, I can handle the teasing but not what followed. This started the conversation of how I do not know men and that my friendship with this particular man is inappropriate. No; none of my family know him and never will, if I have my say. None of my friends need to face the judgmental firing squad that makes up my family. But I got double teamed (well triple teamed if you count my younger sisters husband). Things were said over and over, each time making things out to be worse and worse until they hit pay dirt. They found my one insecurity. My older sister T compared my contact with my friend to the contact her soon to be ex-husband and his mistress. At that point I walked out, there was no reasoning with them and I realized that. They tried to stop me but at that point I just said “you equated me to your husbands mistress, we’re done.” And I left, no shoes, no coat, no nothing. I went for a walk. After about 20 minutes when I realized my feet were freezing and I was driving myself nuts trying to figure out if they were right and I was wrong I decided to go home get shoes and my phone and continue to walk. I was not ready to talk to anyone. I was still to angry. Unfortunately I was unable to make it back out the door before my older sister caught up with me. I told her I was not ready to talk, that I needed to finish my walk. I refused to listen to her, I didn’t want to fight. She kept telling me I didn’t understand. When I wouldn’t listen she grabbed me by the arms. (Note to the world—never lay your hands on my in anger!!!) I lost it and screamed at the top of my lungs for her to let me go. She proceeded to follow my example and screamed right back at me, I didn’t understand and she could scream as loud as me. Did I want to go at it with her? She was ready. Finally I got around her with a parting shot of I told you to let me go and I left the house yet again. I hate losing my temper. It makes me feel as if she has won. She got what she wanted. I called yet another good friend to talk me back to reality. It was good to listen to reason and find an even keel again. Well Tiana has now come home and this is not something I want to deal with. I am going to bed. Hopefully this will be something I can deal with tomorrow. Good night!

Christmas Eve

What a day.......
It started bright and early with family pictures. Who knew that getting 21 people to agree on poses would be so difficult. Along with the friendly remarks to each of the children....."are you sure you want your hair like that".....or...... "tell me you are not wearing that shirt" ........or my all time favorite..."well at least you are wearing make-up, that color will surely make it stand out." Gotta love Mom's compliments. They help everyojne in the family feel fabulous.

Brunch followed pictures and White Elephant followed Brunch. Lots of family Time. For the first time in over 5 years the whole family was together spouses and all. It was full of loud voices and laughter. With nice comments that rip your self esteem to shreds and enough food to help you gain those wonderful 10 holiday pounds. What more could you want.

I know I sound like a grinch but after 3 days of shopping for presents with the kids, breakfasts Lunches and dinners for the kids, putting kids to bed, getting kids up and ready for pictures......plus all of the rest....I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANY MORE. (Pardon the Caps. It was a stress reliever. Lol!)
I am noticing the difference between me now and me a year ago. Me a year ago would have accepted this as reality. I would be planning how to get all of my things back to Utah. Now I am thanking Heavenly Father that my grandfathers memorial is Wed. This causes my family to fly out on Tues afternoon, before my flight. Meaning.......there is no reaon for me to stay. I can look the other way and pretend that my family is going to be fine.
Yeah i know that is not reality but let me live in my fantasy.

I did get a reprieve when I went to my Best Friends family for Papa Thorne's Birthday dinner. I got there for the best part. Boston Creme Pie for dessert. Home made by Mama Thorne. She is one of the best cooks I know. Sitting around the table with their family is always a pleasure. It was fun to talk and laugh and be pleasant with each other. That is how I want my family to be. I know it will never be that way with my Mom, but amybe some day when I am old and have kids of my own (if that is in the cards) then I will get to have that experience. If wishes were fishes and all that. Lol!

Home

Well the trip home was nice. It was uneventful......except the part where I gave my email address to the attractive man I met in Denver. He was fun to chat with. We are going to dinner while I am in town. Lol!

Flights were delayed so I didn't even get in until after midnight. By the time Meg and I got to her place and went to bed it was after 1:30 in the morning. Which was 3:30 eastern. I was really tired. That is an understatement. I figured it was to late to check in at home so I went to bed. My mistake. It looks like my grandfather finally passed away last night. Between 1:30 and 2.

I am sad, but oddly content. I feel bad that I am not sobbing uncontrollably or something. Who wants to do that, I mean come on. But shouldn't I be feeling more then........content. I feel even worse......One of my origional thoughts was mom will be distracted and therefore this holiday could be enjoyable. Why do I always take things that happen and use them for my advantage. When written out it doesn't seem so bad. But it seems rather self centered to be thinking this.
Oh well, Mom has locked herself in her room. It is like a funky sort of remeberance. I have been here before. 8 years ago when Grandma died, this is how things started. It is only 1 in the afternoon and already I am back in the role of caretaker. It took me 8 years to get back to being on my own. Can I walk away this time? Should I? Uh oh....the kids are calling. We are to go Christmas shopping. But first I have to get them to eat Lunch.....Lol!

Today is a fabulous day. Probably because I got 6 uninterrupted hours of sleep. I slept through my alarms (yes, I have 3 just for this reason Lol!) and had to hurry to catch the bus for work. But here I sit listening to Christmas music and excited to go home for the holiday. Still nervous as can be but happy. My brothers are excited to see me and shopping excursions have been scheduled. Along with a massive cooking fest in the Kitchen Friday night. We have to make the Traditional breakfast Quiche. Not that I will do more then follow orders but it will be a bonding moment for my brothers, my mother and I. It will make mom feel happy. When she is happy I see glimpses of the woman that I spent my formative years with. She used to be so vibrant and happy. and I love seeing her that way. I miss the woman who used to sing hymns to put us to sleep, take us to the beach.....ugh I am going to ruin my good mood. Let's just say I have high hopes for Friday night with my Mom and the boys. It is good for the boys to get a glimpse of the mom they never got to know.
The other thing that is so fabulous is we got our holiday pictures, they follow this post. I am still not comfortable with the pictures but they are not horrendous. And for me to say that means I have changed quite a bit in the last year. Lol! For me to even post them means something. So yes, you can give me a pat on the back for it. Lol! So take a look and enjoy. If I can figure it out there will be a folder that hold all of them. I have some hilarious ones of my co-workers. But that requires a sit down session with my dad, the programmer. Merry Christmas to me, he'll teach me how to navigate around in my blog, probably the hard way but it will help. Lol!

The night was just too much fun 

With our Photographer Gavin 

Out on the floor with our CEO

The Girls 

Head banging to 80's Rock 

The dancers....... 

The Bus terminal.

Traffic is horrendous. One of the reasons I am grateful I do not have a car is that I do not have to drive in horrible Rush hour traffic. Nor do I have to drive in the eve) n worse Holiday traffic mixed with the rush hour. It is crazy today.

So here I sit enjoying the bus station. They have kindly built us an indoor waiting area to get us out of the wind and cold. I am grateful for it, Outside is bitterly cold. People are interesting to watch though and it is fun to enjoy the atmosphere. Luckily there are no really angry people, there are a couple of frustrated and impatient ones. But that is understandable. We are supposed to have caught our buses 30 to 40 minutes ago. Because of traffic I missed my connection and have to wait for the next bus. Here we sit. Most people are finding things to do. Typing on their laptops, dozing in corners, reading books Bus riders have to be prepared for long waits. A few pace as if they have too much energy to sit still. I can hear them getting more and more restless as I type. There are phone calls home and to friends apologizing for each persons tardiness. The “I’m on my way but there is a lot of traffic” call. Some calls are made to tell of the delay and warn others to wait for traffic to clear before leaving work or home.

My bus should be here in a matter of minutes but something tells me there will be a delay. I am supposed to go with my roommates to dinner at 7. I hope I make it on time. It’s not like they will leave without me. Lol! It is our house Christmas Party. We are going to dinner and exchange gifts.

One thought is re-occuring. You would think that they would pu more comfortable seats in a place where they know people will have to wait. Cold, hard, metal seats are never plesant. Not even when we put a good outlook on the situation. You can’t stop your bum from falling asleep in the darn chars.

Here comes my Bus. Amazing that it is on-time. I am the only person in here waiting for the 24T and it is the only bus that is on time. How upsetting for others, especially those that have been here longer then I.


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Sleep.......it seems to be a required thing for my brain to function. Unfortunately there were 2 late nights of dancing followed by a sleeplessness that can't be explained. Well it can be I just don't relish the idea of rehashing all of the things that stress me out.

Okay.......maybe just one......I go home on Wed. I am nervous as can be. I am not prepared to face the family tension and remarks. I notice this every time I go home. It is a cycle which I torture myself with. I miss my family and then an occasion comes that I am needed at home for. I get excited. I buy my tickets, a month or two in advance. Plans and schedules are defined, altered, redefined and altered again. Then just before I go home the nerves and the panic set in. The dramas that have unfolded while I was safely 2000 miles away, begin to drag me under. Who is not speaking to whom, Whose self esteem has taken the greatest hits, who has just taken the most hits in general, which relationships can be repaired, and finally which ones can only be bridged for the moment as I am home for a visit. Calls are made and excitement and reassurance are given and received. AND then there is the trip........yes that is the soundtrack to Jaws you hear playing in your head. Lol, maybe it is only in mine.

Currently I am in the stage of calls and reassurance. Friends call to make sure I have places to go when my family gets too much(which will happen). My brothers call to verify when I am coming and that I am really going to make it. Sisters call to make sure I have a ride to and from the airport. Everyone wants to make sure I am coming and that I will have time to be alone with them, be it shopping or dinner or talking. While this feels fabulous for my self esteem already the drain to my own resources is felt.

Sleep becomes difficult as I worry what to say to the kids. Getting the thoughts in my head to diminish to a dull roar is a miracle these days. What am I going to say, what am I going to do, How can I help with this, Am I going to be ABLE to handle the newest development in this case. Throw in the usual, "are you dating any one" and "are you ever going to get married, Rachel" questions with just a dash of guilt, due to the fact that I am not enjoying myself and want to go home, and you now have a picture of my holidays. Who knew it could be this much fun.

Things will probably be great. I am over-reacting due to lack of sleep and nerves. If I keep saying this maybe I will even start to believe it.....

Lol!

I figured it out. The melancholy that has settled over me today. I have been unable to fully understand. I had a fabulous night. I should be energized and excited today. It has been wonderful.

But I am not. I have this sense that something is not right in my world. As I was collecting my things I realized it's a form of loneliness. Yes, I had a wonderful night but there was no one to come back to the room with. Friends are all well and good, but where was the man to be with me while I changed back into plain old me. Where was the guy who would love me in my pj's after I took off the fabulous dress and make up. There was no one there to hash the evening out with. To laugh about who was drunk and what was done. To calm my fears about some of those driving home even though they shouldn't be. OR to just hold me as I woke up this morning. There was no one. Friends are all well and good but sometimes it just doesn't cover all of the bases. It's this darn holiday season. It accentuates the loneliness..... As I read on a friends blog recently...(paraphrasing) It would be nice if Love came for Christmas. :S No worries this too shall pass. The season is almost over :l

The time is coming soon for me to leave here. I am prepping to check out of the fabulous resort in which I have stayed. The chimes have struck and this Cinderella is going to have to go back to her mundane life.
Last night was really fabulous. I did have a lot of fun. Here I sit in a fabulous hotel room listening to classical music and thinking back over the evening......

There was good food, lots of people I knew and fabulous music. Steph picked the DJ so there was an under written rule that the dance floor was never to be empty. Even the worst songs had at least me, steph and 2 of our friends on the floor. My feet really hurt, the heels only made it half way through the night before the were left on the side lines. How are you supposed to dance in heels that are 3 inches tall and have no support. I will never know. lol I am told I looked pretty good. I am still nervous about it.......But I wouldn't be me if I wasn't. There were pictures taken, I think I might even get the courage up and post one here. We will have to see.

As you can tell I am still pondering the evening, which didn't end till late and then we were up for room service and a dip in the pool before our check out today. Maybe I will write more reflection on it later. The events are tumbling around in my brain and I can't seem to focus them.....Other then to say that the blisters were worth it. Lol!

It's late. I am getting tired. But I found my dress. I wish I had the words to describe it adequately. I can do nothing but try. The bottom layer is a deep dark cranberry/wine color. The overlay is a small fishnet pattern. On the pattern there are lines that criss cross across the dress; Steph says they "undulate" across the dress. Every where the lines meet there is a shiny circle; like a sparkle drop. It is a 50's style dress that comes just below the knee and is completely strapless. I top it off with a Black Velvet Bolero small black and faux diamond earring and my wonderful Black Strappy heels. I am told the overall look is fabulous. I am nervous to wear this outfit. I have never worn something this formal and attention grabbing. Even my Prom dress, while formal was very plain Black classic style. This dress however is a "look at me" style. I don't like to be the center of people's attention. What if I do something wrong? What if I spill something? On top of it I promised my sisters I would wear this dress to church for Christmas Morning. Not all that abnormal for my family.. I am not sure it would fit in at church though. I might have to go back to the green velvet floor length skirt with a blouse. Plus I can just hear my mothers words. Could you get it to accentuate your breasts any more Rachel. You must have had all the boys staring..If only it were said in a way that meant looking at me was not a horrible thing.

Well I am going to bed. Good night one and all. Hopefully in the morning I will be over the sticker shock from tonight's shopping. Lol!

Today is better. I made it to work. But I am still wallowing......never fear I am not going to unload again today. I have neither the time nor the desire.

But I have good news. A friend is engaged! How exciting is that. My brother's baby is due in a month. One of my other brothers just had the ultra sound and their baby girl will be born in April or May. We are getting Family pictures for Christmas(not sure if this is good news or not, could just be a battle waiting to happen) And for the First time in 6 years my entire family will be together for Christmas. Yet again this is both good and bad news. But I am focusing on the positive today.

I am reading a book called A Thomas Jefferson Education and have been struck yet again how much I desire to be a teacher. I know I could not do this as my patience level is not at the level required for such a position. Once I figured that was not a possibility I decided to be a librarian. What is more fun then spending your day among stacks of books. Today a friend suggested a librarian at an elementary school. Even the thought brought a smile to my face. Maybe I don't need my masters in Library Science. Maybe I just need to find what I need to be an elementary school librarian. I think I could be a good one. Not to stressful and full of children that I can send home at the end of the day. Lol!

Will I ever grow up enough to find a career? Who knows?

Today was about sleep but it eludes me at this time so I figure I will write. To make matters worse I cannot get onto the internet so I have to save this as a document. Yeah, this is just what I want my posterity to find. Oh well maybe this will never even make it to the blog. Maybe I will just end up deleating it. It is going to be depressing.

I am tired again. It is time for that doctor’s appointment that I have been putting off for months. They will draw my blood and tell me all the bad news all over again. Like this isn’t something I haven’t heard over and over in the past 5 years.

“Ma’am you have an auto-immune disorder. Your thyroid will soon begin to stop working and we will need to get you on a pill to regulate your body. I know this is hard for you to understand so let me try to put this in terms that you understand. Now there is nothing to be afraid of but your body has decided that your thyroid is a toxin. So it is trying to remove it. Your body will continue to do this until your thyroid is completely gone. (I always envision Piranhas attacking a piece of meat right about this point. Not very pleasant, but makes me smile which confuses the Doctor. Lol!) Again Ma’am don’t worry there is a pill that you can take and it will act just as your thyroid. You will have to take it for the rest of your life once your thyroid stops working.”

Break in Doctors Speech……

So what does this mean for me? The first time I heard this speech I had my dad look in to it (I was a missionary with neither the time nor resources to look into it myself) then I looked into it. So apparently my memories fade, my body cannot control its own temperature, I get tired to the point I cannot make complete sentences, my hormones flux…..you get the gist. The thyroid is part of the pituitary gland (or something) and this affects your entire system.

Then the speech continues……

Now Rachel your body apparently cannot handle the stress or high emotion that you are placing upon it. (Because obviously this is completely in my control. Duh!)You need to decrease the levels of both or the fatigue that you experience will continue to escalate. You need to sleep better and take things at an even pace. Remember as a missionary the fatigue started slow, you were only taking short naps. As time continued you were sleeping more and more and couldn’t function.” (Obviously the cause of me being required to leave my mission early has slipped my mind. Grrr…Utah Drs)

Now as I am out of Utah this speech my change slightly. No mission talk, but I assume it will be a variation of the same theme. Not much more to say. Possibly the blood test could come back and say that my thyroid no longer can function so I need to start taking the pill. I doubt it. This is Stress.

What Stress you ask? Well……

There is the new job at work (I am part-time in HR nowJ), the old job at work that I am continuing to do, there is a social life that I want to enjoy (Everyone has to work to have a social lifeJ), there is the Holidays, (Which I am single for yet, againL), and finally there is my family. I could go into detail but then this blog would never end. Suffice to say that it all plays a part. Add the problems Gramps is having (FYI He is doing slightly better now) and I am tired. A LOT.
In a fantasy I have always carried there will be someone to share this stress with. He will help me to deal with my family (tell me I am not a horrible as they think I am) and help me to be calm about everything else. Now I know this is complete fantasy because every relationship is stress all on its own, but deep in my romantic heart, buried by layers of cynicism and sarcasm, that is what I want. And this is why my family has said that I will continue to fill the maiden aunt slot. Sad but true, I am destined to live life single. I will be happy about it another day, but for the next month I will probably wallow. So those that are friends of mine, realize this cannot be fixed by you. I love you but I am wallowing.

Writen Monday December 12, 2005

The Trip to Ohio was...well I wouldn't say unsuccessful. But I can't say that is was a success. Gramps was in and out on Saturday. He had a very lucid day on Sunday. My mother was...well my mother. I got to meet a whole set of family members that I didn't know existed. Gramps' older brother had 15 children. There are Aunts and Uncles and cousins I have never even heard about.
As nice as that was.....I don't think he has long. I am okay know. I know that there is peace and loved ones awaiting him on the other side. I hate to see him in pain. I hate that he can't talk to me. I hate that he looks at me trying to get me to understand, and I see the frustration and disappointment come into his eye as I just don't follow. As much as I wish I could freeze time in a place where he was happy and healthy, I know that is not even a remote possibility. There is no place to go but forward. I will miss him when his time comes be it this month or many in the future. But I now have a new image in my head. For those that read the comics I see The Family Circle. With Gramps watching over me and making sure that I am alright.
I am sure he will have better things to do with his time, but still it makes me smile.

Gramps is dying.....

I don't know what else to say. I rented a car and will be driving the 7-8 hours tonight to go see him, hoping I get there before he dies. Mom flew out yesterday to be with him. He can't talk as he is on a ventilator, to help him breathe. So why am I going to see him, to soothe a guilty conscience. Pretty much. I haven't seen him in years. Like 6. That is wrong. I talk to him and he writes. I save all the cards he sends me. But I don't travel to see him. It is only 6 hours.

Grandparents are funny things. I technically have 4 sets. I don't really know my step-mothers parents. My step-fathers parents are a little kooky and live in CA. I don't really connect with them, which is probably more my fault then theirs. My father's father is already dead but I email his mother. Lately I have tried harder. But I am one of many, I understand this and so does she.
Mom's parents though, they were the special ones. I guess I was a favorite for them. OR maybe they treated everyone as special, I don't know. All the cards that came to me over the years have discussed things that were important to me. Every time I saw them they treated me as if I was important. They knew me. I was never one of many, I was Rachel. I was special. Grandma passed on about 7 years ago. I have only seen Gramps once or twice since then. Maybe that is so I can pretend that they are both still living in the little house in Ohio and life is going on as normal. (I am great at denial)

But I can pretend no longer. I have to go and face my fear. I am really a selfish person, instead of worrying about how this will effect my family ( I know some of the other kids are having a hard time) or wondering how I can help others, I am worrying about myself. Who will be there for me to call. Gramps could always make me smile, even on the worst day. Who will make me feel special now? Will I allow anyone? How selfish is that?