Today was about sleep but it eludes me at this time so I figure I will write. To make matters worse I cannot get onto the internet so I have to save this as a document. Yeah, this is just what I want my posterity to find. Oh well maybe this will never even make it to the blog. Maybe I will just end up deleating it. It is going to be depressing.

I am tired again. It is time for that doctor’s appointment that I have been putting off for months. They will draw my blood and tell me all the bad news all over again. Like this isn’t something I haven’t heard over and over in the past 5 years.

“Ma’am you have an auto-immune disorder. Your thyroid will soon begin to stop working and we will need to get you on a pill to regulate your body. I know this is hard for you to understand so let me try to put this in terms that you understand. Now there is nothing to be afraid of but your body has decided that your thyroid is a toxin. So it is trying to remove it. Your body will continue to do this until your thyroid is completely gone. (I always envision Piranhas attacking a piece of meat right about this point. Not very pleasant, but makes me smile which confuses the Doctor. Lol!) Again Ma’am don’t worry there is a pill that you can take and it will act just as your thyroid. You will have to take it for the rest of your life once your thyroid stops working.”

Break in Doctors Speech……

So what does this mean for me? The first time I heard this speech I had my dad look in to it (I was a missionary with neither the time nor resources to look into it myself) then I looked into it. So apparently my memories fade, my body cannot control its own temperature, I get tired to the point I cannot make complete sentences, my hormones flux…..you get the gist. The thyroid is part of the pituitary gland (or something) and this affects your entire system.

Then the speech continues……

Now Rachel your body apparently cannot handle the stress or high emotion that you are placing upon it. (Because obviously this is completely in my control. Duh!)You need to decrease the levels of both or the fatigue that you experience will continue to escalate. You need to sleep better and take things at an even pace. Remember as a missionary the fatigue started slow, you were only taking short naps. As time continued you were sleeping more and more and couldn’t function.” (Obviously the cause of me being required to leave my mission early has slipped my mind. Grrr…Utah Drs)

Now as I am out of Utah this speech my change slightly. No mission talk, but I assume it will be a variation of the same theme. Not much more to say. Possibly the blood test could come back and say that my thyroid no longer can function so I need to start taking the pill. I doubt it. This is Stress.

What Stress you ask? Well……

There is the new job at work (I am part-time in HR nowJ), the old job at work that I am continuing to do, there is a social life that I want to enjoy (Everyone has to work to have a social lifeJ), there is the Holidays, (Which I am single for yet, againL), and finally there is my family. I could go into detail but then this blog would never end. Suffice to say that it all plays a part. Add the problems Gramps is having (FYI He is doing slightly better now) and I am tired. A LOT.
In a fantasy I have always carried there will be someone to share this stress with. He will help me to deal with my family (tell me I am not a horrible as they think I am) and help me to be calm about everything else. Now I know this is complete fantasy because every relationship is stress all on its own, but deep in my romantic heart, buried by layers of cynicism and sarcasm, that is what I want. And this is why my family has said that I will continue to fill the maiden aunt slot. Sad but true, I am destined to live life single. I will be happy about it another day, but for the next month I will probably wallow. So those that are friends of mine, realize this cannot be fixed by you. I love you but I am wallowing.

Writen Monday December 12, 2005