Gramps is dying.....

I don't know what else to say. I rented a car and will be driving the 7-8 hours tonight to go see him, hoping I get there before he dies. Mom flew out yesterday to be with him. He can't talk as he is on a ventilator, to help him breathe. So why am I going to see him, to soothe a guilty conscience. Pretty much. I haven't seen him in years. Like 6. That is wrong. I talk to him and he writes. I save all the cards he sends me. But I don't travel to see him. It is only 6 hours.

Grandparents are funny things. I technically have 4 sets. I don't really know my step-mothers parents. My step-fathers parents are a little kooky and live in CA. I don't really connect with them, which is probably more my fault then theirs. My father's father is already dead but I email his mother. Lately I have tried harder. But I am one of many, I understand this and so does she.
Mom's parents though, they were the special ones. I guess I was a favorite for them. OR maybe they treated everyone as special, I don't know. All the cards that came to me over the years have discussed things that were important to me. Every time I saw them they treated me as if I was important. They knew me. I was never one of many, I was Rachel. I was special. Grandma passed on about 7 years ago. I have only seen Gramps once or twice since then. Maybe that is so I can pretend that they are both still living in the little house in Ohio and life is going on as normal. (I am great at denial)

But I can pretend no longer. I have to go and face my fear. I am really a selfish person, instead of worrying about how this will effect my family ( I know some of the other kids are having a hard time) or wondering how I can help others, I am worrying about myself. Who will be there for me to call. Gramps could always make me smile, even on the worst day. Who will make me feel special now? Will I allow anyone? How selfish is that?