GRADUATION!! (Grad School)

Thursday, December 29

Sleep-who knew?

It is amazing what affects your physical and mental body. Sleep affects both!! Just in case you were wondering, sleep or the lack thereof has a very distinct effect on me. Take yesterday for example. Trying to function became really difficult around 10 am. I had slid past being up for 24 hours with out a problem, so I thought. I could no longer multi-task, I even had to pay attention just to walk up the stairs. I didn't realize I was doing it until I sat down. Lol! So yesterday is kind of hazy. Most of the day was on auto-pilot, this allowed me a plausible excuse to leave early. Which I did, dragging S along with me. We went to see The Family Stone. This would be the second time I have seen this movie. Maybe it was because I was tired, or maybe because it was my second time, but I looked at the movie differently. Now this was a very short introspection as right after the movie I went home and slept for 12 hours. But, The first time I thought the movie really funny. But this time, while still funny, it struck me as scary. I have never been in that sort of a situation, S has and we discussed briefly. But the........ uncomfortable-ness of Sarah Jessica Parkers character is my greatest fear. There is a specific scene that was painful for me to watch, both times. I see how uncomfortable she is and how hard she is trying to fit in. She really is trying, but no one is helping, not her sister, not her boyfriend. You see her stammer and crack from the pressure. And those she trusts most, don't do anything. There you go: my greatest fear. And it came out when I was drunk with fatigue. Lol!

This morning I have been pondering that fear. With a clear head I realize that this is something that has always been. I have never felt that I fit in with my family. Or, more appropriately, that I didn't fit in with my surroundings. I attended Sacrament Meeting at the home ward over the holidays and I watched all the kids I spent high school with. They greeted each other like long lost friends. I have none of those. My ward was one I attended because I had to. I had acquaintances. But no lasting friends, I never fit with that crowd. I lived in my books. Now as an adult, I recognize the fear that stopped me from approaching people there. It was the fear of not being accepted, knowing that if I fell there was no one to pick me up. My family was too busy trying to survive to watch out for just one ego among the many. So I rejected them before they could reject me. Now as an adult I am trying to over come that fear. It still shows up at odd moments. But I realize as I become more comfortable in my own skin, The acceptance of others is less important. Still important for me, as I want everyone to like me and be happy, but not as important as it once was.
There is my epiphany for the day.
Now that my brain is empty, I have to get some work done. Lol!


Stephanie said...

Have I told you what a nut you are recently?

Rae said...

"Sometimes you feel like a nut" ..... any one?