Bad?

I wanted to blog something light hearted today. As a matter of fact last night it was a tunning joke what would end up in our blogs today. I went out with 3 of my good friends here and was informed we have Sex in the City Experiences. Having never seen the show I was unable to put in my two cents. Therefore as every choose who was who I was told I am Carrie(by default). If you know what this means please explain. But I digress.....
What has been most on my mind is arguments. There were words said among my friends that caused upset. I hate this! I am one of those people that wants all of my friends to be friends with each other. I sometimes don't understand why they can't be. But then I am of the personality that allows each person to be who they are regardless of their choices. I have made too many horrendous ones to judge any one elses choice. (Granted, as has already been mentioned in my blogs, the judgements go on in my head but I recognize that they are undeserved and therefore I keep them to myself and silently berate myself for them) I can tell you what I believe or don't but you are always free to choose for yourself. That is what this life is all about. Especially for my friends.

There is one exception to this rule, and this is the conflict. My family and close friends fall with in a circle of protection that can cause me to lose my temper. And my temper is not something that should be unleashed on the world. Lol! It has violent tendencies, kind of like a mama bear and her cubs. Back the hell off and leave my babies alone. But what happens when my friends are the ones that are odds with each other. The urge to protect both of them is strong. So is the urge to tell them to accept one another and let it go. These things must change on their own, not by force.
I must go so I will have to blog the rest later. I am having a hard time trying to stay out of this. I hate when my friends are upset
And they are upset today.

Better yourself?

So, I know...twice in one day. It is a lot for me but this is bugging me. Therefore it will spew forth into the virtual world so I may forget it.

I was having an online discussion with one of my brother today's. This specific brother is not even a full year older then me, married, speaks 4 languages fluently, Returned missionary, and working on a degree from the Y in Middle Eastern Studies. He also works full time for on eof his Professors doing various research. His first child is due in May. I really look up to him, he is rather intelligent and one of those people that never says anything with out factual evidence to back it up. He never falls back on emotion, always on logic and facts. Usually we discuss topics that I enjoy, as we did today. But at the end of our conversation he said something that had me pondering. This was not something I could discuss with him. As I earlier posted I want to be accepted by my family therefore do not want to have this brother think any less of me for my thoughts.

Now on to what he said: We were discussing ADD and how this brother stays on task by competing with himself to finish the task. As in a faster time or getting more done. He then said this was eternal life. To motivate oneself by competing against who you were yesterday.
This struck me and I have been stuck ever since.

What if I like who I was yesterday.....I can see that I am not perfect. I am overweight. I do not eat as healthy as I should. I am pushy and anal. I procrastinate. Worst of all, I am extremely judgmental (but it's only in my head for the most part, I try not to say anything out loud) And some of these things need to be fixed. But How to compete? See how many comments I make a day I shouldn't and try to make less everyday? That seems silly. Be kinder to the people I work with, try to put off less every day. Do I want to do that?

If I choose not to is it considered sinning? A sin of commission or omission? I know that we are to constantly supposed to be bettering ourselves, trying to become like Christ. So if we give up, if we enjoy who we are...are we knowingly being bad. You write it out that way, it sure sounds like it. I am not really a horrible person. I am just not perfect. Right now I am pretty happy with me. The demanding, tight clothing wearing, skank my family thinks of me. And that is probably not very good. Lol!

Good Day? Bad Day?

I awoke today in a fabulous mood yet again. It is always a good sign when I can convince myself to get out of bed. Lol! It's just so warm and comfy with the pressure of the covers music playing softly from my alarm......Not this morning though. As comfy as I was the alarm had to go off so as not to wake the baby in the next room. Not my baby, Obviously we have company staying with us. But that didn't even bother me. It was morning and I had a good 6 hours under my belt and I was happy to be up. The Temperature was to be 50 today. It is Friday. I had family and friends to email and a weekend (New Year's Eve) to plan....It was looking to be fabulous. And it stayed that way. Thru the morning, thru work drudgery and half way thru Lunch time pedicures..... Then it hit again. I don't even know what brought it about. I AM SINGLE. Sometimes I believe this is a fabulous things. Other times, like today, I detest it. I hear the ex-husband, horrible step-family, soon to be ex-brother-in-law, etc stories and think, wow am I lucky. Then I hear the wonderful, "she held my hand for the first time", or "he sent me flowers" or read wonderful blogs of people who are in love and I think "am I ever going to find that?" Ironically the song I Say a Little Prayer for You just started playing. Some days you can't win for losing, as my mother says.
This will pass. I am going to dinner tonight. Then I'll go to a movie. Tomorrow is the Caps Game, and fun in the district. I will have fun. This funk will pass. I just won't be as happy as could be if I had someone to share it with. So I'll be as happy as I can be by myself. Lol!

Sleep-who knew?

It is amazing what affects your physical and mental body. Sleep affects both!! Just in case you were wondering, sleep or the lack thereof has a very distinct effect on me. Take yesterday for example. Trying to function became really difficult around 10 am. I had slid past being up for 24 hours with out a problem, so I thought. I could no longer multi-task, I even had to pay attention just to walk up the stairs. I didn't realize I was doing it until I sat down. Lol! So yesterday is kind of hazy. Most of the day was on auto-pilot, this allowed me a plausible excuse to leave early. Which I did, dragging S along with me. We went to see The Family Stone. This would be the second time I have seen this movie. Maybe it was because I was tired, or maybe because it was my second time, but I looked at the movie differently. Now this was a very short introspection as right after the movie I went home and slept for 12 hours. But, The first time I thought the movie really funny. But this time, while still funny, it struck me as scary. I have never been in that sort of a situation, S has and we discussed briefly. But the........ uncomfortable-ness of Sarah Jessica Parkers character is my greatest fear. There is a specific scene that was painful for me to watch, both times. I see how uncomfortable she is and how hard she is trying to fit in. She really is trying, but no one is helping, not her sister, not her boyfriend. You see her stammer and crack from the pressure. And those she trusts most, don't do anything. There you go: my greatest fear. And it came out when I was drunk with fatigue. Lol!

This morning I have been pondering that fear. With a clear head I realize that this is something that has always been. I have never felt that I fit in with my family. Or, more appropriately, that I didn't fit in with my surroundings. I attended Sacrament Meeting at the home ward over the holidays and I watched all the kids I spent high school with. They greeted each other like long lost friends. I have none of those. My ward was one I attended because I had to. I had acquaintances. But no lasting friends, I never fit with that crowd. I lived in my books. Now as an adult, I recognize the fear that stopped me from approaching people there. It was the fear of not being accepted, knowing that if I fell there was no one to pick me up. My family was too busy trying to survive to watch out for just one ego among the many. So I rejected them before they could reject me. Now as an adult I am trying to over come that fear. It still shows up at odd moments. But I realize as I become more comfortable in my own skin, The acceptance of others is less important. Still important for me, as I want everyone to like me and be happy, but not as important as it once was.
There is my epiphany for the day.
Now that my brain is empty, I have to get some work done. Lol!

Flying Home

I sit here in the Denver airport listening to the soundtrack to Rent and wishing that 2 hours would fly by so I can take a nap on the red eye flight to Baltimore. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I guess I should say today as at home it is already 11:49. 10 minutes to tomorrow. Would you like to know what it looks like where I am? Airports are always alive. Be it night or day. There are people walking up and down. As I walked off the plane from SLC I ended up walking next to a couple, probably no more then 20 if that. They had apparently missed their plane by a few minutes. From the things in their hands it seems they were in a restaurant and came late for the departure time. Angry words were shouted down the hall as they walked with me away from the ramp. It is amazing how people react so differently to things. (This is the judgmental me here) I would have been blaming myself for being late to my flight; instead these kids were angrily berating the airlines, the flight attendant at the gate, and the airport in general for their tardiness. Seemingly placing the blame anywhere but on themselves. They walked along side of me all the way to my new gate where I pulled out of the walk way and they continued on. I could here them down the hall. Amazingly enough seconds later there was and overhead announcement asking 2 passengers to return to their gate immediately. I look up to see this young couple running down the hall for the gate. They were yelling at each other to hurry and for the people in front of them to move. Interesting how those that complain the loudest always end up getting their way. Where is the break for those of us that take the results that we are given? Oh well. The airport is quite like the bus terminal I sat in just last week. It is warmer here. There are people sprawled across the waiting area. I am between two gates. Mine heads to Baltimore and the other heads out to Philadelphia at the same time. Some try to nap while we wait, others have books or papers to read. Some are on phones. There is one man shouting into his cell phone. What I heard before I put on my headphones sounded like a Germanic language. The only reason I know he is still shouting is because he keeps waving his arms. Oddly enough he changes the phone from one ear to the next so he can wave the other arm. I wonder if his arms are getting tired. Maybe his is not angry; maybe I misunderstand because of the language barrier. Maybe he is professing his undying love to the woman of his dreams who refuses to join him in the states. Who knows? Lol!
Many have some sort of laptop and are either playing games, watching a movie, or typing. The few that don’t fit into those categories stare at the TV’s that are provided. It seems to be some sort of CNN program. It repeats and, if I am correct, playing the same news that I watched for an hour in SLC. Not something I want to watch again.

The passengers on these two flights range in age, gender, and familial status. It seems there is no specific group who fly red eye. There is a family for each gate area. Both have small children playing on the floor in front of them. I assume the parents hope the children will sleep on the flight. You can tell the parents by the way their heads bob every few minutes. Not in sleep but in a silent head count to make sure everyone is accounted for and acting appropriately. There are quite a few couples, sitting cuddled in the glow of the relationship. Old and young alike, it seems there were no fights for these couples. Most are interacting with those around them or each other. One couple is watching a movie together; one couple has two copies of the same book and keep pointing things out to each other, one couple is napping in each others arms. My personal favorite is the couple talking on the phone together. He says something and she leans over to add to the conversation in his ear, talking into the mouthpiece. There is a lot of laughter in that conversation. It seems……nice. There was a wistful sigh there, you just can’t hear it. But isn’t that what we all want? Something Nice? There are also quite a few solo passengers. There are fewer smiles among this group. Most have something that separates them from the rest of the passengers. Listening to some sort of head phone with glazed over eyes, reading a book and never looking up, furiously typing on a laptop, or even worse typing with headphones on(oops I fall into this category. Lol! :P). It seems that we are quite an unsocial crowd tonight. It is very unlike my flight last week where I had quite an interesting conversation with various people on my flights and in the airport. Tonight is seems a solemn crowd. Holidays are over and a new year to work through. Well I am about talked out and I am not in the mood to make any new friends. So I might as well pull out one of the fabulous games on this laptop and play. I still have another hour to wait. Hope all had a fabulous Holiday.

Christmas

I did blog yesterday for all of you who were worried. Lol! Twice even. But it is stuck on my laptop so I will have to add it later. It was not happy, know this now. AND it was not a "single life sucks at the holidays"(though that is true). The fight was bad and the damage...well lets just say this will hurt for a while. My sisters do know my weakness and can use them against me when they feel it is needed. It is repairable but the trust will have to be re-built. And that takes a while. You know the old adage, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" or what ever. Let's just say you hit once and I rarely give you a chance for twice. I know that makes me judgmental and all of that but it also makes it hurt a lot less. Well I have an empty schedule for today so I am going to go and......hmmmm maybe take a bath. That sounds nice and requires no interaction with my family. I'll get the other blogs uploaded when I get back on Wed. I hope every one else had a Merry Christmas.

CHRISTMAS BACK TRACK: __________________________________________________________________ Christmas Day

Today started early. For some odd reason my sister and I woke together at about 4 am. It was nice to just sit and talk together. T is struggling this season. This time last year she left her husband for the first time, due to his infidelity. This time this year, after a full year of trying to make things work, they are getting divorced. I know the holidays are hard for me as a single. I know now how much harder they are for her. I have a different view then T, she still loves the jerk and I want to rip him to shreds with my bare hands (whoops temper showing). But this is causing her much turmoil this year, which she takes out on those she knows will love her regardless of her snappishness. Oh wait, that puts me at the top of the list. I don’t know whether to be happy she knows I love her unconditionally or frustrated that I am the one to get snapped at. Oh well family is always a joy. We can do nothing more then support them. (Yes that was sarcasm) Once the kids got up around 7:30 there were presents all around. The ornaments were loved. With only one mishap, Lukas’ piglet got broken. He got Piglet from Winnie the Pooh, being the smallest and all. We are going to see if it can be fixed. The boys got air/bb guns. Mom and T are upset. The boys and I have already taken them for a test run in the yard. I have horrible aim. But it was fun. No more guns on Sunday though. Lol! They also got White shirts and Ties. The color of which match my dress for church. I am excited to go to church now. Lol! Life is……..life, neither good nor bad. But peaceful for the moment. Uh oh…gotta go to breakfast.


Christmas Night

Amazing how the peace on this earth is always short lived. It lasted thru church and the remarks about my Christmas dress, thru the family dinner and the remarks about the rest of my clothes, even made it thru the gifts and the familial chit chat that follows which of course must center on my singleness for a bit at least once in the conversation. But then as people started leaving things got tense……I got a call from a friend this evening he and I have been friends for a couple of months. I can only presume that he was calling to wish me a merry Christmas. As the teasing started I tried to explain to my family that he is just a friend, so I mentioned that he was engaged and perfectly happy. Proving our relationship is nothing but friendship. This was my mistake. I should have let it go, I can handle the teasing but not what followed. This started the conversation of how I do not know men and that my friendship with this particular man is inappropriate. No; none of my family know him and never will, if I have my say. None of my friends need to face the judgmental firing squad that makes up my family. But I got double teamed (well triple teamed if you count my younger sisters husband). Things were said over and over, each time making things out to be worse and worse until they hit pay dirt. They found my one insecurity. My older sister T compared my contact with my friend to the contact her soon to be ex-husband and his mistress. At that point I walked out, there was no reasoning with them and I realized that. They tried to stop me but at that point I just said “you equated me to your husbands mistress, we’re done.” And I left, no shoes, no coat, no nothing. I went for a walk. After about 20 minutes when I realized my feet were freezing and I was driving myself nuts trying to figure out if they were right and I was wrong I decided to go home get shoes and my phone and continue to walk. I was not ready to talk to anyone. I was still to angry. Unfortunately I was unable to make it back out the door before my older sister caught up with me. I told her I was not ready to talk, that I needed to finish my walk. I refused to listen to her, I didn’t want to fight. She kept telling me I didn’t understand. When I wouldn’t listen she grabbed me by the arms. (Note to the world—never lay your hands on my in anger!!!) I lost it and screamed at the top of my lungs for her to let me go. She proceeded to follow my example and screamed right back at me, I didn’t understand and she could scream as loud as me. Did I want to go at it with her? She was ready. Finally I got around her with a parting shot of I told you to let me go and I left the house yet again. I hate losing my temper. It makes me feel as if she has won. She got what she wanted. I called yet another good friend to talk me back to reality. It was good to listen to reason and find an even keel again. Well Tiana has now come home and this is not something I want to deal with. I am going to bed. Hopefully this will be something I can deal with tomorrow. Good night!

Christmas Eve

What a day.......
It started bright and early with family pictures. Who knew that getting 21 people to agree on poses would be so difficult. Along with the friendly remarks to each of the children....."are you sure you want your hair like that".....or...... "tell me you are not wearing that shirt" ........or my all time favorite..."well at least you are wearing make-up, that color will surely make it stand out." Gotta love Mom's compliments. They help everyojne in the family feel fabulous.

Brunch followed pictures and White Elephant followed Brunch. Lots of family Time. For the first time in over 5 years the whole family was together spouses and all. It was full of loud voices and laughter. With nice comments that rip your self esteem to shreds and enough food to help you gain those wonderful 10 holiday pounds. What more could you want.

I know I sound like a grinch but after 3 days of shopping for presents with the kids, breakfasts Lunches and dinners for the kids, putting kids to bed, getting kids up and ready for pictures......plus all of the rest....I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANY MORE. (Pardon the Caps. It was a stress reliever. Lol!)
I am noticing the difference between me now and me a year ago. Me a year ago would have accepted this as reality. I would be planning how to get all of my things back to Utah. Now I am thanking Heavenly Father that my grandfathers memorial is Wed. This causes my family to fly out on Tues afternoon, before my flight. Meaning.......there is no reaon for me to stay. I can look the other way and pretend that my family is going to be fine.
Yeah i know that is not reality but let me live in my fantasy.

I did get a reprieve when I went to my Best Friends family for Papa Thorne's Birthday dinner. I got there for the best part. Boston Creme Pie for dessert. Home made by Mama Thorne. She is one of the best cooks I know. Sitting around the table with their family is always a pleasure. It was fun to talk and laugh and be pleasant with each other. That is how I want my family to be. I know it will never be that way with my Mom, but amybe some day when I am old and have kids of my own (if that is in the cards) then I will get to have that experience. If wishes were fishes and all that. Lol!

Home

Well the trip home was nice. It was uneventful......except the part where I gave my email address to the attractive man I met in Denver. He was fun to chat with. We are going to dinner while I am in town. Lol!

Flights were delayed so I didn't even get in until after midnight. By the time Meg and I got to her place and went to bed it was after 1:30 in the morning. Which was 3:30 eastern. I was really tired. That is an understatement. I figured it was to late to check in at home so I went to bed. My mistake. It looks like my grandfather finally passed away last night. Between 1:30 and 2.

I am sad, but oddly content. I feel bad that I am not sobbing uncontrollably or something. Who wants to do that, I mean come on. But shouldn't I be feeling more then........content. I feel even worse......One of my origional thoughts was mom will be distracted and therefore this holiday could be enjoyable. Why do I always take things that happen and use them for my advantage. When written out it doesn't seem so bad. But it seems rather self centered to be thinking this.
Oh well, Mom has locked herself in her room. It is like a funky sort of remeberance. I have been here before. 8 years ago when Grandma died, this is how things started. It is only 1 in the afternoon and already I am back in the role of caretaker. It took me 8 years to get back to being on my own. Can I walk away this time? Should I? Uh oh....the kids are calling. We are to go Christmas shopping. But first I have to get them to eat Lunch.....Lol!

Today is a fabulous day. Probably because I got 6 uninterrupted hours of sleep. I slept through my alarms (yes, I have 3 just for this reason Lol!) and had to hurry to catch the bus for work. But here I sit listening to Christmas music and excited to go home for the holiday. Still nervous as can be but happy. My brothers are excited to see me and shopping excursions have been scheduled. Along with a massive cooking fest in the Kitchen Friday night. We have to make the Traditional breakfast Quiche. Not that I will do more then follow orders but it will be a bonding moment for my brothers, my mother and I. It will make mom feel happy. When she is happy I see glimpses of the woman that I spent my formative years with. She used to be so vibrant and happy. and I love seeing her that way. I miss the woman who used to sing hymns to put us to sleep, take us to the beach.....ugh I am going to ruin my good mood. Let's just say I have high hopes for Friday night with my Mom and the boys. It is good for the boys to get a glimpse of the mom they never got to know.
The other thing that is so fabulous is we got our holiday pictures, they follow this post. I am still not comfortable with the pictures but they are not horrendous. And for me to say that means I have changed quite a bit in the last year. Lol! For me to even post them means something. So yes, you can give me a pat on the back for it. Lol! So take a look and enjoy. If I can figure it out there will be a folder that hold all of them. I have some hilarious ones of my co-workers. But that requires a sit down session with my dad, the programmer. Merry Christmas to me, he'll teach me how to navigate around in my blog, probably the hard way but it will help. Lol!

The night was just too much fun 

With our Photographer Gavin 

Out on the floor with our CEO

The Girls 

Head banging to 80's Rock 

The dancers....... 

The Bus terminal.

Traffic is horrendous. One of the reasons I am grateful I do not have a car is that I do not have to drive in horrible Rush hour traffic. Nor do I have to drive in the eve) n worse Holiday traffic mixed with the rush hour. It is crazy today.

So here I sit enjoying the bus station. They have kindly built us an indoor waiting area to get us out of the wind and cold. I am grateful for it, Outside is bitterly cold. People are interesting to watch though and it is fun to enjoy the atmosphere. Luckily there are no really angry people, there are a couple of frustrated and impatient ones. But that is understandable. We are supposed to have caught our buses 30 to 40 minutes ago. Because of traffic I missed my connection and have to wait for the next bus. Here we sit. Most people are finding things to do. Typing on their laptops, dozing in corners, reading books Bus riders have to be prepared for long waits. A few pace as if they have too much energy to sit still. I can hear them getting more and more restless as I type. There are phone calls home and to friends apologizing for each persons tardiness. The “I’m on my way but there is a lot of traffic” call. Some calls are made to tell of the delay and warn others to wait for traffic to clear before leaving work or home.

My bus should be here in a matter of minutes but something tells me there will be a delay. I am supposed to go with my roommates to dinner at 7. I hope I make it on time. It’s not like they will leave without me. Lol! It is our house Christmas Party. We are going to dinner and exchange gifts.

One thought is re-occuring. You would think that they would pu more comfortable seats in a place where they know people will have to wait. Cold, hard, metal seats are never plesant. Not even when we put a good outlook on the situation. You can’t stop your bum from falling asleep in the darn chars.

Here comes my Bus. Amazing that it is on-time. I am the only person in here waiting for the 24T and it is the only bus that is on time. How upsetting for others, especially those that have been here longer then I.


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Sleep.......it seems to be a required thing for my brain to function. Unfortunately there were 2 late nights of dancing followed by a sleeplessness that can't be explained. Well it can be I just don't relish the idea of rehashing all of the things that stress me out.

Okay.......maybe just one......I go home on Wed. I am nervous as can be. I am not prepared to face the family tension and remarks. I notice this every time I go home. It is a cycle which I torture myself with. I miss my family and then an occasion comes that I am needed at home for. I get excited. I buy my tickets, a month or two in advance. Plans and schedules are defined, altered, redefined and altered again. Then just before I go home the nerves and the panic set in. The dramas that have unfolded while I was safely 2000 miles away, begin to drag me under. Who is not speaking to whom, Whose self esteem has taken the greatest hits, who has just taken the most hits in general, which relationships can be repaired, and finally which ones can only be bridged for the moment as I am home for a visit. Calls are made and excitement and reassurance are given and received. AND then there is the trip........yes that is the soundtrack to Jaws you hear playing in your head. Lol, maybe it is only in mine.

Currently I am in the stage of calls and reassurance. Friends call to make sure I have places to go when my family gets too much(which will happen). My brothers call to verify when I am coming and that I am really going to make it. Sisters call to make sure I have a ride to and from the airport. Everyone wants to make sure I am coming and that I will have time to be alone with them, be it shopping or dinner or talking. While this feels fabulous for my self esteem already the drain to my own resources is felt.

Sleep becomes difficult as I worry what to say to the kids. Getting the thoughts in my head to diminish to a dull roar is a miracle these days. What am I going to say, what am I going to do, How can I help with this, Am I going to be ABLE to handle the newest development in this case. Throw in the usual, "are you dating any one" and "are you ever going to get married, Rachel" questions with just a dash of guilt, due to the fact that I am not enjoying myself and want to go home, and you now have a picture of my holidays. Who knew it could be this much fun.

Things will probably be great. I am over-reacting due to lack of sleep and nerves. If I keep saying this maybe I will even start to believe it.....

Lol!

I figured it out. The melancholy that has settled over me today. I have been unable to fully understand. I had a fabulous night. I should be energized and excited today. It has been wonderful.

But I am not. I have this sense that something is not right in my world. As I was collecting my things I realized it's a form of loneliness. Yes, I had a wonderful night but there was no one to come back to the room with. Friends are all well and good, but where was the man to be with me while I changed back into plain old me. Where was the guy who would love me in my pj's after I took off the fabulous dress and make up. There was no one there to hash the evening out with. To laugh about who was drunk and what was done. To calm my fears about some of those driving home even though they shouldn't be. OR to just hold me as I woke up this morning. There was no one. Friends are all well and good but sometimes it just doesn't cover all of the bases. It's this darn holiday season. It accentuates the loneliness..... As I read on a friends blog recently...(paraphrasing) It would be nice if Love came for Christmas. :S No worries this too shall pass. The season is almost over :l

The time is coming soon for me to leave here. I am prepping to check out of the fabulous resort in which I have stayed. The chimes have struck and this Cinderella is going to have to go back to her mundane life.
Last night was really fabulous. I did have a lot of fun. Here I sit in a fabulous hotel room listening to classical music and thinking back over the evening......

There was good food, lots of people I knew and fabulous music. Steph picked the DJ so there was an under written rule that the dance floor was never to be empty. Even the worst songs had at least me, steph and 2 of our friends on the floor. My feet really hurt, the heels only made it half way through the night before the were left on the side lines. How are you supposed to dance in heels that are 3 inches tall and have no support. I will never know. lol I am told I looked pretty good. I am still nervous about it.......But I wouldn't be me if I wasn't. There were pictures taken, I think I might even get the courage up and post one here. We will have to see.

As you can tell I am still pondering the evening, which didn't end till late and then we were up for room service and a dip in the pool before our check out today. Maybe I will write more reflection on it later. The events are tumbling around in my brain and I can't seem to focus them.....Other then to say that the blisters were worth it. Lol!

It's late. I am getting tired. But I found my dress. I wish I had the words to describe it adequately. I can do nothing but try. The bottom layer is a deep dark cranberry/wine color. The overlay is a small fishnet pattern. On the pattern there are lines that criss cross across the dress; Steph says they "undulate" across the dress. Every where the lines meet there is a shiny circle; like a sparkle drop. It is a 50's style dress that comes just below the knee and is completely strapless. I top it off with a Black Velvet Bolero small black and faux diamond earring and my wonderful Black Strappy heels. I am told the overall look is fabulous. I am nervous to wear this outfit. I have never worn something this formal and attention grabbing. Even my Prom dress, while formal was very plain Black classic style. This dress however is a "look at me" style. I don't like to be the center of people's attention. What if I do something wrong? What if I spill something? On top of it I promised my sisters I would wear this dress to church for Christmas Morning. Not all that abnormal for my family.. I am not sure it would fit in at church though. I might have to go back to the green velvet floor length skirt with a blouse. Plus I can just hear my mothers words. Could you get it to accentuate your breasts any more Rachel. You must have had all the boys staring..If only it were said in a way that meant looking at me was not a horrible thing.

Well I am going to bed. Good night one and all. Hopefully in the morning I will be over the sticker shock from tonight's shopping. Lol!

Today is better. I made it to work. But I am still wallowing......never fear I am not going to unload again today. I have neither the time nor the desire.

But I have good news. A friend is engaged! How exciting is that. My brother's baby is due in a month. One of my other brothers just had the ultra sound and their baby girl will be born in April or May. We are getting Family pictures for Christmas(not sure if this is good news or not, could just be a battle waiting to happen) And for the First time in 6 years my entire family will be together for Christmas. Yet again this is both good and bad news. But I am focusing on the positive today.

I am reading a book called A Thomas Jefferson Education and have been struck yet again how much I desire to be a teacher. I know I could not do this as my patience level is not at the level required for such a position. Once I figured that was not a possibility I decided to be a librarian. What is more fun then spending your day among stacks of books. Today a friend suggested a librarian at an elementary school. Even the thought brought a smile to my face. Maybe I don't need my masters in Library Science. Maybe I just need to find what I need to be an elementary school librarian. I think I could be a good one. Not to stressful and full of children that I can send home at the end of the day. Lol!

Will I ever grow up enough to find a career? Who knows?

Today was about sleep but it eludes me at this time so I figure I will write. To make matters worse I cannot get onto the internet so I have to save this as a document. Yeah, this is just what I want my posterity to find. Oh well maybe this will never even make it to the blog. Maybe I will just end up deleating it. It is going to be depressing.

I am tired again. It is time for that doctor’s appointment that I have been putting off for months. They will draw my blood and tell me all the bad news all over again. Like this isn’t something I haven’t heard over and over in the past 5 years.

“Ma’am you have an auto-immune disorder. Your thyroid will soon begin to stop working and we will need to get you on a pill to regulate your body. I know this is hard for you to understand so let me try to put this in terms that you understand. Now there is nothing to be afraid of but your body has decided that your thyroid is a toxin. So it is trying to remove it. Your body will continue to do this until your thyroid is completely gone. (I always envision Piranhas attacking a piece of meat right about this point. Not very pleasant, but makes me smile which confuses the Doctor. Lol!) Again Ma’am don’t worry there is a pill that you can take and it will act just as your thyroid. You will have to take it for the rest of your life once your thyroid stops working.”

Break in Doctors Speech……

So what does this mean for me? The first time I heard this speech I had my dad look in to it (I was a missionary with neither the time nor resources to look into it myself) then I looked into it. So apparently my memories fade, my body cannot control its own temperature, I get tired to the point I cannot make complete sentences, my hormones flux…..you get the gist. The thyroid is part of the pituitary gland (or something) and this affects your entire system.

Then the speech continues……

Now Rachel your body apparently cannot handle the stress or high emotion that you are placing upon it. (Because obviously this is completely in my control. Duh!)You need to decrease the levels of both or the fatigue that you experience will continue to escalate. You need to sleep better and take things at an even pace. Remember as a missionary the fatigue started slow, you were only taking short naps. As time continued you were sleeping more and more and couldn’t function.” (Obviously the cause of me being required to leave my mission early has slipped my mind. Grrr…Utah Drs)

Now as I am out of Utah this speech my change slightly. No mission talk, but I assume it will be a variation of the same theme. Not much more to say. Possibly the blood test could come back and say that my thyroid no longer can function so I need to start taking the pill. I doubt it. This is Stress.

What Stress you ask? Well……

There is the new job at work (I am part-time in HR nowJ), the old job at work that I am continuing to do, there is a social life that I want to enjoy (Everyone has to work to have a social lifeJ), there is the Holidays, (Which I am single for yet, againL), and finally there is my family. I could go into detail but then this blog would never end. Suffice to say that it all plays a part. Add the problems Gramps is having (FYI He is doing slightly better now) and I am tired. A LOT.
In a fantasy I have always carried there will be someone to share this stress with. He will help me to deal with my family (tell me I am not a horrible as they think I am) and help me to be calm about everything else. Now I know this is complete fantasy because every relationship is stress all on its own, but deep in my romantic heart, buried by layers of cynicism and sarcasm, that is what I want. And this is why my family has said that I will continue to fill the maiden aunt slot. Sad but true, I am destined to live life single. I will be happy about it another day, but for the next month I will probably wallow. So those that are friends of mine, realize this cannot be fixed by you. I love you but I am wallowing.

Writen Monday December 12, 2005

The Trip to Ohio was...well I wouldn't say unsuccessful. But I can't say that is was a success. Gramps was in and out on Saturday. He had a very lucid day on Sunday. My mother was...well my mother. I got to meet a whole set of family members that I didn't know existed. Gramps' older brother had 15 children. There are Aunts and Uncles and cousins I have never even heard about.
As nice as that was.....I don't think he has long. I am okay know. I know that there is peace and loved ones awaiting him on the other side. I hate to see him in pain. I hate that he can't talk to me. I hate that he looks at me trying to get me to understand, and I see the frustration and disappointment come into his eye as I just don't follow. As much as I wish I could freeze time in a place where he was happy and healthy, I know that is not even a remote possibility. There is no place to go but forward. I will miss him when his time comes be it this month or many in the future. But I now have a new image in my head. For those that read the comics I see The Family Circle. With Gramps watching over me and making sure that I am alright.
I am sure he will have better things to do with his time, but still it makes me smile.

Gramps is dying.....

I don't know what else to say. I rented a car and will be driving the 7-8 hours tonight to go see him, hoping I get there before he dies. Mom flew out yesterday to be with him. He can't talk as he is on a ventilator, to help him breathe. So why am I going to see him, to soothe a guilty conscience. Pretty much. I haven't seen him in years. Like 6. That is wrong. I talk to him and he writes. I save all the cards he sends me. But I don't travel to see him. It is only 6 hours.

Grandparents are funny things. I technically have 4 sets. I don't really know my step-mothers parents. My step-fathers parents are a little kooky and live in CA. I don't really connect with them, which is probably more my fault then theirs. My father's father is already dead but I email his mother. Lately I have tried harder. But I am one of many, I understand this and so does she.
Mom's parents though, they were the special ones. I guess I was a favorite for them. OR maybe they treated everyone as special, I don't know. All the cards that came to me over the years have discussed things that were important to me. Every time I saw them they treated me as if I was important. They knew me. I was never one of many, I was Rachel. I was special. Grandma passed on about 7 years ago. I have only seen Gramps once or twice since then. Maybe that is so I can pretend that they are both still living in the little house in Ohio and life is going on as normal. (I am great at denial)

But I can pretend no longer. I have to go and face my fear. I am really a selfish person, instead of worrying about how this will effect my family ( I know some of the other kids are having a hard time) or wondering how I can help others, I am worrying about myself. Who will be there for me to call. Gramps could always make me smile, even on the worst day. Who will make me feel special now? Will I allow anyone? How selfish is that?

I do not want to be working today. Therefore I am going to take a moment here and purge the thoughts. The mood apparently carried over today.

Steph says it is the "end of a relationship" blues. I say there was no relationship, except for what I had created in my head, therefore I should have no blues. It is never fun to find out that you live in a fantasy. I blogged a bit ago about the house of cards. It is amazing how no matter the reality you continually try to shore up the sides of your flimsy little house. Why do we do this? Maybe it is the fear of not having a house.......

I wanted to be happy today. I don't like not being happy. My sister has always said that happiness is a state of mind that you can change according to your desire. I do not agree with this. I think sometimes you are going to be sad. I think I will wallow tonight. Watch an episode of Gilmore Girls and eat....I don't know.....Ice cream or something. Maybe this time I will move on. Ya think?
Life will get better, all of the platitudes say it will.
Tomorrow will be a happy blog if I have to......do something. Who knows what? Lol!

Moods are funny things...I have been in the epitome of a Bitchy Mood. Not that most people can tell. I think I hide it rather well. Yes my words have more of a bite. My temper is a little touchy but I have yet to go off on anyone yet. There has been no explosions that used to mark the "bad days" of my past. I guess it is all part of growing up. As I get older I realize that things are never as bad as they seem, people deserve more patience, and life is meant to be enjoyed.

This last week I went to see the musical Rent. I cannot suggest such a movie to any one. The drug use is in your face, the homosexuality is not disguised at all. Being the "Utah-Mormon" Girl that I am, I thought I would have more of a problem with these things. But really I didn't. I loved this. I loved the music. I loved the story. I paid full price twice to see it. And would see it again. Most of my friends had problems with this movie in some way or another. One just flat out hated it.
As I pondered this I realized that I believe very firmly in the choices of all people. As I have lived away from my family I have examined my beliefs and either strengthened or discarded them. This is one belief that is a base to all of the rest of my beliefs:
We are here to choose. No one has the right to take away that choice in any way, shape, or form. We must all suffer from the consequences of others unfortunate choices. But that does not give us the right to take away their freedom of choice. Yes, you can pull out the extreme situations all you want. It won't change my mind. It is all about the freedom to choose. Let everyone have it.

Steph is waiting for me, so I must go. I apologize for the rush and spelling errors. Hopefully this all transfers to print. Maybe it is just fuzzy thoughts in my head.........LOL!

It has been a hard couple of days. The friend I upset has in turn hurt me. The thought turn about is fair play comes to mind, but I do not believe that was his intention. I do not know what I think. Everyone tells me to stop keeping my thoughts to myself but to share them. Should I do that I can not edit the thoughts. This leads to one of two conclusions. First being that someone gets hurt. This is abhorrent to me. As angry as I get the thought of causing hurt to someone else makes my heart hurt. The second conclusion is that it leaves me more open and vulnerable. I dislike this idea almost as much. Weakness is never allowed. I have learned from experience that any sign of weakness can and is used against you. So you must never show any. Crying in front of people is a major no. Lack of Knowledge also major no(though I have overcome that for the most part).

So now to the reason for this blog. I got my feelings hurt this weekend. I felt that I was lied to. Was I? I believe so, What I was told was something different then what was going on. Then come to find a duplicitous character behind it. Was he? I do not know. I am learning there is a side of this person that I do not know. Trusting has never been easy for me, especially once that trust has been broken. How do I not go and question what was said to me. Especially now that I know one was false. How do I trust when he tells me that he thinks the world of me. Or that he thinks I am smart, or pretty, or interesting........should I continue. I fear that I am just some hick girl that falls for all the lines some man will feed me. Why do I fear this? Because I have before. I was the idiot that fell for the wrong guy, I was the fool that allowed her heart to get stomped on. It took me years to recover. So now I fear it happening again. History repeating itself and all that.

Yesterday I sat with one of my best friends and just let the tears flow, hoping it would be cleansing. It wasn't; it left me empty. My heart hurts. My head hurts. To top it off I think I made things worse by my comments today. I was not nice. I never am when I feel a fool, and nothing makes this girl feel more foolish then trusting the wrong man.
But did I trust the wrong man?
Is it over?
Do I want it to be?
What do I want?
What do I need?
Him?
Someone else?

I wish I could talk to him....then maybe I could find the answers to my questions.

Today I upset a good friend. I hate that.

It started out such a nice day. I was really happy this morning. It is Friday and I am looking forward to Harry Potter tonight. By Noon I was on my lunch hour crying to my best friend who is 2000 miles away in Utah.(Which I hate even more, crying in public is for sissies!!!)

What happend, you ask. I ask it myself. I was chatting with a friend, realizing that the reality I had created was made out of cards. I took one slight breath and it came crashing down. I hate that. I was happy in my house of cards. Unfortunately One cannot live in the real world in a house of cards. Therefore we will pick up the hopes that had barely begun to form and move on.
That is what life is all about. Moving on. Adjusting to the reality around you and finding our place in it.
What if I want a different place? How do I adjust? Do I just wait till it comes about? Where do I find the reality I want? Does everyone ponder these?

I sure do.........

I am in big trouble. I do not know what to do with my life. I am terrified of messing it up. But isn't everybody?
So here is today's Problem........remember a few weeks back SW and I cooled things off. It would have helped to have told our hormones. Last night was nice. I ended up spending the night at his house. As a matter of fact I sit here at 11:20 in the morning still in HIS pajamas. I didn't have anything else to wear last night. They are pretty comfy, just in case you were wondering. There is just something about wearing a mans clothes. Now I am a Mormon girl so that means there were a few boundary lines that were not crossed but it was a pretty close thing. What am I going to do with him? He has talent in this area. But I figure if I can still think in the middle of it then, I am not doing something right. Or maybe it was when I was actually happy to fall asleep.

There it is, there is the epiphany I was looking for. That is what I want right now. AND here is the reason I write all of this down. It empties my brain so I can figure out want I want. I like kissing and everything else that was done last night. BUT.....what I wanted was to be held and cuddled and coddled. I just wanted to be touched. Get your mind out of the gutter. Though that touching is nice too, last night I just wanted to be held. And I knew the price I had to pay to get it. I wanted someone to curl up and fall asleep with me.......so I did what he wanted(and I enjoyed it for the most part) to get what I wanted. It makes it sound do cold and harsh.

Does everyone act this way on some level? There are men I am more interested in then SW but I can't get from them what I can get from him. Am I willing to continue to pay the price? Is the price worth it?
Maybe that is next weeks epiphany.

Contemplation abounded today. After a lazy morning(which means I slept till 9) I got up to realize that my body was so sore that I immediately retired to the couch for the morning. TV is very boring though and I got ambitious. The upstairs needed cleaning and it became my project. There followed a bout of sweeping and mopping and dishes and cleaning. After finishing I was invited to the first part of my contemplative afternoon.
I joined a group of roommates and their friends to attend the spy museum in the district. Now as a small side note I do not play well with others when it comes to museums and such. I want crowds to be small and exhibits to be enjoyed at my own speed. Therefore shortly after we arrived at the crowded museum I lost sight of my companions. I found them again at the end but essentially didn't speak to anyone for the 2 hours I was in the museum itself.....I loved it. The spy museum is one that requires much contemplation. I have decided that I would be a horrible spy. I do not lie well and even though I think I work well under pressure. I do not think I could work well under that kind of pressure. But it is incredible the things that have been accomplished by networks of spies. I can see why people get so paranoid. Why they worry that "big Brother" is watching. There is a museum devoted to the entire occupation. It was interesting to me to see the reasoning behind certain peoples choice of occupation. How they justify turning against there country. I am extremely loyal to the United States and therefore cannot imagine ever doing such a thing. But then I am extremely blessed to be a citizen of this country. Would I feel as loyal to "my" country had I been born into one that doesn't allow women, or even all the people, the freedoms that I take for granted?

After that I went to dinner and a movie with yet another roommate(I have 5 of them). We enjoyed terrible service at the local Cheesecake factory. The delicious Dulce De Leche Caramel Cheesecake I had at the end almost made up for the horrible service. Almost. But then we went to the movie called Good Night, Good Luck. Interestingly this followed the theme of the afternoon, as it was about the McCarthy era. I am too young to have been alive for this time. I have never understood the thinking that was had at this time in American History. It seems more akin to the Witch Trials of Salem. As I watched this film it gave me more of a look at what the world must have seemed like. I really enjoyed it. It was a black and white film directed by George Clooney. I realized that the life that I lead is possible because of the men and women who stood for freedom.
Not men who stood for their personal idea of freedom and rights. There are those I know that have this view. The world is very black and white. There is right and wrong. Their way is right and all others are wrong. Their personal job is to inform everyone else that they are wrong. I do not agree with this line of thinking. I believe that everyone has a right to his or her personal opinion. Just as I have the right to choose for myself, so does everyone else. I think that is the foundation of all of my opinions. That every individual has the right to choose for himself how he wants to act. There are of course going to be consequences for his actions(sometimes even legal ones for the good of everyone) but he or she has the right to that decision. I have no right to ever tell any one that they can or cannot think or act in certain way. I do not like to have people tell me what I can and can't do, therefore why impose upon others. Of course there are exceptions....Things like minors that are still learning right and wrong and those that are endangering other people. But on the whole the whole point of this earth life is freedom of choice. That is what the war in heaven was all about. Freedom to choose. That is what we are here to learn. We are here to learn to make right choices with that freedom. It is a daily battle between us and the natural man......
Sometimes we win........
Sometimes we lose........

How did I do today?

Today was exhausting.

I started the day realizing it was going to be a gorgeous autumn day. Then I realized that I would not get the opportunity to enjoy any of it. My office finished phase 3 out of 4 phases today. Essentially that means it is 11:50 pm and I am still at work. We have finished and I need to dump my brain so that I can go home and crash.
Moving always makes me a little home sick. We did it alot growing up. When I was very small I think we spent max of 3 years in one place. I got to the point where I loved it. Even after my parents were divorced Mom had us changing rooms every couple of months. It becomes a habit. I move frequently now. In the last 11 months I have been in 3 places. I tell people that I just "haven't found the 'right' place" but in reality I am not a permanent person. It is easier to think about things in the short term. Must be my fear of commitment coming out.

Wow, I am all over the place tonight. I had better go and check out S's new office. She is really excited. Then I am on my way home.....
FINALLY!!

Life is interesting. Always. Do you never notice that everyone has different reactions to everything. That is why the world continues to turn.

But every so often you run in to a situation where you respond the same way as your best friend and you understand all of the sudden. I got in a tiff with S yesterday. It was nothing really. I got jealous. In my head I realized I was in the wrong and I stopped talking, so as not to be snarky about it. But she took that and I was flying off the handle pissed.

This has happened in the reverse with her in the past. There is a guy that she introduced me to, that she tends to get jealous over. I never understood the process in her mind. Now I do and I don't know what to do about it.

We ended up talking about it but nothing was resolved. So what do I do? Wait 7-10 days till my hormones are back to normal, I guess.

Sometimes I hate being a girl.............

Grumpiness sets in at the odd moments. I think my hormones are currently affected most by stupid boys. Which it shouldn't be. How many people are currently happy when they allow the actions of others to effect their own emotions? None!! The only way to be actually happy is to be in control of your own emotions.

Unfortunately for me I allow other people actions to effect me and get upset. Instead of talking about it I just get cranky. Then I am mad at myself for being cranky. What kind of cycle is that? So how to fix it. Well recognition is the first step. Now I just have to stop letting it happen. Stop feeling sorry for myself and get off my duff.

Let's see if this should work........

I can't seem to figure out what is wrong with me. I am flying happy one minute and not the next. I would say I was in love but I know that is not the problem. There is nothing to be depressed about really. So what could it be?

Part could be self inflicted guilt. It comes unconciously at the oddest moments. I usually have to sit and think when it hits. That way at least I know what I am feeling guilty about this time. It is a trait that had been firmly engrained from childhood. If life was remotely uncomfortable then I must find the reason it was my fault. Add to that an empathetic nature and you have me. Some one who gets upset by the smallest things and feels the weight of fixing things because "she should be able to fix it".

Maybe that is the reason for my present funk. I hate when people are upset even slightly. Worse when logically there is nothing I can do about it. Because logic and my heart seldom see eye to eye. My heart wants everyone to be happy, my mind knows that is impossible. Too of my good friends are currently dealing with painful and frustrating "boy situations". This is not something I can fix. Mostly because I would have no clue where to start. But secondly becuse boys have free agency too. As much as we want the fairy tale the boy involved has to want a part of that.

Oh well I know how to fix it. Throw mysel into some sort of service and forget myself. You cannot last in a funk for too long if you are serving others. At least that is the way it has always worked in my world.

.........I just hope it works this time too..........

Everything is better after a good night sleep. I am no longer mad that Ihad to go home withSW. It is over, it has no lasting effect on my past, present or future. So really why did I care in the first place.

After spending the morning reading from The Secret Lives of First Ladies I have realized that I am not doing enough to become the person I am meant to be. I spent last night dancing and learning moves to tempt men. I did nothing to better society. Not that some of the male population would be very happy to see some of the things I learned last night I doubt it is to the betterment of society. A friend of mine spent last night volunteering in a soup kitchen. A lot of my friends have been doing these things for most of there lives. Why do I not do these things?

Now, I understand that while raising 6 kids and working full time at the age of 23 there is not much time left for anything else. As a matter of fact there was no guilt that once a week I went to the movies and lunch with my best friend. Things are different now. My life focuses solely on me. I am not doing anything that would help others. I am very active in my church which gives me oppurtunities for service but I do not indulge in those oppurtunities as often as I could.

On the other hand there is a side of me that enjoyed last night immensely. I love dancing and the chance to have someone put there hands on me. I am one of those people who loves to be touched, and since I am not in a relationship right now that touching is missed.

Is it right........that is something I have to figure out.
Maybe I will find a place to volunteer while I make that determination.

I am mad tonight. So mad that I am blogging at 1:30 in the morning. Tonight I went to a party with friends. Not a first for me, I really enjoy these particular parties as I get to dance at them. I am learning to "club dance". Yeah I am 26 and have never been "clubbing". I like to dance and don't think I am half bad but that doesn't mean I am any good. And where better to find guys to practice on then the boys who have no idea what they are doing? Lol.

Tonight though after a fun time S, one of my best friends(who I had arrived with) asked SW to take me home. I know she was trying to be helpful but I had no desire to go home with SW tonight. I didn't want to have to deal with him. But she asked and he ok'd and therefore I went home with him. Early. I had a good couple of hours left in me but he was tired and so we left. To top it off another girl carpooled with him and so she was with us. Normally I wouldn't mind but this girl and I are NOT friends. And I mean NOT friends. She is the ex best friend of one of my best friends. Being a girl I am required to take sides. I of course back up my friend in this. That is what best friends are for. So here I am sitting in a car with the 2 people I have the least desire to be with. Grrrr.......

And I know my friend S did it on purpose. So how do you get out of such a situation. I couldn't turn him down as my ride had asked him to take care of me. I couldn't get mad at her becuase she thought she was being helpful and giving us "time". Not that I wanted that, but she didn't check with me first. I can make my own alone time.

Do I call her and tell her that I am mad at her? If so how do I do this so it doesn't hurt her feelings? Oh well. I guess I will just sleep off the mad. My thigh muscles are going to hate me tomorrow, anyway.

Good Night.

Today is turning into one of those days. I slept in, I have a head cold, and I have already exploded 2 carbonated beverages on myself while stocking uor company fridges. Grrrrr.........
It looks to be one of those days. Possible also because I am feeling slightly guilty.
I have been rather down on myself lately and Saturday I went out with some friends. One of them being SW. SW and I have a little history. There was a possibility of us dating at one time but I had taken a 6 month break from dating. (It's been 2 months now) SW is amazing at many things. One of those tings being making out. It is really enjoyable. BUT as fun as that is I am not feeling anything more for him. So Saturday when we finished with the movie I finagled an invitation back to SW's house. See I did it on purpose I wanted to kiss and cuddle. I wanted to feel wanted. And I knew SW would make me feel that way. So I worked my way into an invite knowing that if it was just the 2 of us then there would be.....fun!
AND it was. But it was just for fun on my part and I thought he knew that. But when he dropped me off that night he said he would respect my 6 month rule and wait if I still wanted to do that. I said I did and got out of the car. Now the girl is me has been analyzing and thinking over everything. It's killing me. I am not interested in him that way. Yeah there is a little spark. He is sweet nice and kind(my mother would love him) but I don't see this going anywhere.

Too make matters worse I felt horrible yesterday so I ended up at his house again! This time he made me soup, turned on a movie and cuddled up with me. . How much better could it be. He rubbed my back and palyed with my hair.....and let me sneeze and cough and sleep. I felt extremely unattractive and he repeatedly told me that was not how it was. I honestly could have just speant the night that way. But he took me home--which was good because he needed sleep too. ;) And now I am still in the same predicament as before. I have never felt more taken care of...... But it is not who I want to take care of me. Am I that shallow? Apparently.

And there lies the guilt............
I have become one of those girls that will makeout with some one just to make herself feel better. I have allowed a guy to think that there is a possibility when I don't believe that there is one. WHat kind of girl am I. How could I be so callous? If a guy had done this to me or one of my friends I would have been horrible to him. How am I supposed to treat myself then?

Dilemmas all around........

Wow, Apparently I am psychic. Talk about a change today...........

Yet another first for me.........I got fired. This has never happened. I have never left a job for any other reason then I was ready. I am not sure how to feel about this. I mean really I am sure I could have been more open and pleasant with my employer. But really I call life as I see it, if that doesn't set the appropriate "tone" for your office get someone else to lick boots. That will never be in my job description.

I was shocked for a bit. Then I was upset and hurt. (Talk about a self esteem hit) Then I got mad. I mean, come on. Of course I am not perfect but the reasons for firing me didn't quite make sense to me. I am going to have to chalk it up to personality conflict.

Which is another first..................of course as a teenager I had a lot of what we can call "personality conflicts". But as an adult you have passed the stage of learning to play well with others. I have learned to get along with just about everyone. I have not had a clash of real personalities since my mission. I mean yes there are people I don't think I get along with but even those people think we are great friends. I am never dishonest I just hate to hurt peoples feelings or embarrass them. There for I go out of my way to make sure I don't do that to others. I usually don't have a problem finding ways to say things that are polite and kind with out having to lie. Apparently that was not enough for this employer. I refuse to lie to people though. If I don't know the answer, I will say I don't know but let me see what I can find out. If we can't fit you in the schedule, I will say he has a full schedule but let me see what I can do. I don't care if you are a supreme court judge, a high priced attorney, or any other big wig, that does not give you the right to belittle people or be rude. I do for you just as much as I would do for any one else. Which is every thing with in my power. If that is too much then get out of my way and let me get on with my life.

On a good note I get to start a new/ old job tomorrow. When I quit my last job to take this new one I helped my good friend S get my job. I knew she would be good at it and felt really good about this decision. I knew it was what I was supposed to do. So when I lost my job this morning I went to see S. Being the good friend that she is she mentioned my problem to K in Human Resources and they offered me a part time position doing what I used to do. Freeing up S to cover in HR(which she prefers) and leaving the phones to me (Which I prefer). I start back for them tomorrow. With the possibility of going full time with them again.

So.........why the need to go to the other job? Maybe this is where S needed to be and it was the only way to get her here. Maybe I needed to learn how this rejection felt. Maybe I needed to learn that I am darn good at my job. Because as many complaints as I received from good ol Dr H. I got twice as many compliments when my old job asked me back. Maybe I needed to learn that life is not going to go the way I always expect it to. Only the Lord knows why, and I trust Him. That is not something I doubt. Yet again I have felt that the Lord is looking out for me. My sisters called me to check on me a matter of minutes after I lost my job. I also had talked to S and my best friend M with in thirty minutes of losing my job. I am realizing that I have quite a network of friends and family who love and care about me. I know the Lord knew I needed to hear from them today. So I am grateful for their calls and the reminder.

I guess it's the little things that count!!! ;)

Do you ever notice that the moment you get accustomed to your life the world around you changes.
I finally got used to my crazy routine these days only to have it slow down and change. Life slowed; work got crazy busy and I try to keep up with it all. I wonder if there will ever be a time in which life stays constant and I enjoy that. I like change, to an extent. I love to try new things and places. I enjoy when things change as long as I can find my footing in the new reality. It is when I am so far out of my realm of experience and I look like a fool that I dislike change.
So some day maybe there will come a time when life does not have a new thing every day. Will I enjoy it?
I think that is what might happen in some marriages. I think that you can get stuck in the same routine day in and day out as you deal with husband and kids and school and home and cooking and grocery shopping and.............need I go on? I think that even though you are doing so much all of the time none of it is new. And for those of us with short attention spans this gets old real fast. Maybe that is why you find things in our culture like bored housewives wanting a divorce or an affair or anything to change the drudgery. This is one of my greatest fears. I know I get bored easy. What happens should I actually fall in love (heaven forbid) and marry (heaven forbid)! Ack! Three years down the road am I going to be bored out of my mind trying to find ways to introduce a little change? Three months down the road?


Life is so uncertain how does anyone keep up with it?

So much has happened that I don't know where to begin.

When I moved into the "Big Bad City" I made a goal to never pass up the opportunity to try something new. Well this weekends "new thing" was White Water Rafting. I had gone with a church group when I was 14 or 15 but the memory is dim but I remember swimming a whole lot. So This was a first as in one I would remember and one I had to actually work on. This was not some wimpy guided rafting trip where you sit in the middle of the boat and get chauffeured around. No this river had 6 Class 5+ rapids, one being a falls with a 12 foot drop, which our guide kindly put me in the front of the raft for!! :0

I loved it. I have never had such an adrenaline rush in my life. After a night of camping in the rain and a cold and muggy morning I was sure I was going to hate the whole trip. But no. I had a blast. I would go again in a heart beat. I can't describe how fun it is to roller coaster over the smaller rapids or paddle your butt off and push through one of the huge ones. Then to turn and look behind you and see what you accomplished, the feeling is amazing. I loved getting dumped out of the boat for the most part. I ended up in the water 8 times. 5 were involuntary on my part and only the last one scared me. I ended up trapped under the boat, it was less then a minute but enough time to worry. Twice I jumped ship and swam down the rapids on my own; just little ones though. And the last time out of the boat I got the opportunity to go cliff jumping off a 15 foot cliff.
I can honestly say I would love to do this again. Maybe not to soon as it is cold out side but again in the future would be nice. :)

Today I am antsy.........I can't sit still. I do not have to work tomorrow. I am headed to West Virginia to go white water rafting on the Gauley River. But that is tomorrow and today is stretching out before me. I can't focus on one thing, I swear the ADHD is driving everyone crazy. Not just me.

Last Night I went to the season opener of the NHL. For the first time in NHL History all 30 teams played on the same night. I figure all the players were so desperate to play that they wanted to play the first night they could.

It was a good game. I watched our local Washington Capitols squash the Columbus Blue Jackets. Well maybe not squash but we won and that is all that mattered. My only problem with the game was that there was not a single throw down of the gloves. What kind of hockey is that. I will admit to there being a couple of interesting and suspenseful moments. As a matter of fact I hope I get to go to another game sometime. I look forward to the rest of the season.

Thoughts are already turning to the Holidays. My family is huge and therefore we have to plan everything in advance. There are people living in 5 different states and so all planning can be done via email. This takes the arguing out of the equation. It allows those that are not speaking to each other to be included in all emails without actually communicating each other.

Right now we are already planning Christmas dinner. I am not going to be attending this year as I have neither the time nor money to fly across the country. I have yet to decide if this is a terrible faux pas on my part. Should I be traveling home to spend 2 short days with my family? Just so I could say I was there for the holiday. To hear the thumps and crashes of Christmas morning. Which, might I add, are no longer the wonderful ritual of times past. To endure the questioning of acquaintances. "Did the boy you are dating come with you? You are dating someone, right?" "When are you planning your wedding?" "Are you going to be moving back to Utah soon?" "Why do you want to live out there in DC anyway?" "How much weight have you lost(OR gained if my mother is asking) since we last saw you?" I swear, some of these women think that I enjoy nothing more then to hear how they believe I should be living my life. Like I don't know that I am single. Obviously, the fact that I do not have someone that to cook, clean, and apparently live for has somehow escaped my notice.

So I am skipping the family rituals and questions this year and staying home in Virginia. I am going to enjoy the time to myself as roommates head off to family activities.

And then.................. I will cry as I miss my own family dreadfully.
lol
Isn't that just like a girl. :)

Melancholy can't keep this girl down for too long. I am so excited today. I have Friday AND Monday off! I am going white water rafting on the Gourley river this weekend. The excitement can barely keep me in my seat here at the office. I am so antsy and it is only Tuesday. How will I survive the rest of the week.
Life is good. I have good friends who make sure I am busy. Hockey season officially opens tomorrow. AND I have a weekend on the river to boost moral. Who has time to worry about anything or ponder the thoughts of the universe.
Speaking of friends keeping me busy, last night I saw the movie The Greatest Game Ever Played. Loved it!! I was amazed at how they can take such a boring sport to watch and have the audience on the edge of their seats in anticipation. At the end of the movie I was tempted to go watch a real live game of golf!! But I think what pulled me in the most was the background of the players. Peoples past tends to shape their reaction to events. In this movie they used those backgrounds to create characters that were worth rooting for. On both sides. Really I didn't know who I wanted to win more as they both were equally deserving of the cup! Ok that is not completely true as I was more then willing to think "down with the English Aristocracy". But we were supposed to think that. I figure that is what makes a die hard fan. It is not so much what sport they are watching as the people/team who is playing. It is the history and background of team and/or players that makes them want to cheer for them even when it is obvious that they are going to lose.

Well that is enough of my ramblings for today. I can't seem to stay on a topic as I am to excited to stay focused!!!!

The meloncholy seems to be dragging on. I am doing well really but between having to see boys that just want to be friends and little brothers beg for me to move back home life has become sad.
I never know how to handle my younger brothers. For all intents and purposes I have raised Lukas since he was born. He was born the month I graduated high school and mom was not well. Shortly there after my mothers mother died and things went down hill rather quickly. Between the time Lukas was born and last August; there was probably a total of 10 months that I was not with him on a daily basis. So now I struggle with the role that I have in his life. I try to treat him as a younger brother but I was his mother for so long that the move cross country has been difficult. Every weekend I call and talk to him and struggle when he asks if I am coming home. Last night he asked if I could quit my job and find one in Utah allowing me to live there with him. He is upset that I am not coming for Christmas. My mother has decided that she doesn't want him to come and visit me so that is not an option either. I am out of ideas here. I know that this is not my problem and that I should let it go but I worry. When don' t I worry.

grrr.....

Today I am going to whine....(do I ever do anything else here?)

My heart hurts.

I have been through 4 quasi relationships in the last 9 months. Not until now has my heart hurt. I got the lets just be friends last night. I have given this speech. I have even recieved this speech in the past. But never have I let it affect me like this. There were actual tears involved last night. Only after I had finished talking to N and was alone. And really why, N and I were never more then casual in our relationship and had never discussed taking it further. He and I even talked a couple of weeks ago about how I do not want anything like a relationship in my life right now. He said he was willing to wait until I knew what I wanted. Apparently my knowledge of what I wanted came a little to late. I am no longer wanted.......
So tonight I will go to a hockey game and watch guys throw each other around. Tomorrow and Sunday I will take care of Church business and go to parties, pretending I am happy.

Work is slow today and the weather is dark. Not too cold or really stormy just more meloncholy. It seems to be reflected in my mood. I am trying to get out of this funk that I am in. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working. I am continually convincing myself that going out tonight with the girls is a good thing. Every one needs a little girl time. I know I will have fun but am more inclined to go home and curl up with a good book or two and a cup of Hot Chocolate. Apparently, I have left the tom-boy behind. When did I become such an introvert that reading a good book has become more fun then going out to play? Is it a sign of age, or just of how attitudes shift according to life cicumstances. I spent the last couple of years taking care of children that were not my own. I am one of 12 children and have been helping to raise the 3 youngest since I turned 18. Last year there was a shift in the household and I finally got a chance to get out on my own. So here I am 26 years old and finally learning to live life. I am going through all of the phases that teenagers usually do. I have realized that often I am not the person I used to be. Which can be good or bad.

So as I have been reading the various posts on other blogs, thoughts have come to mind that I really do not want to burden anyone with. Have you ever wondered if the people who surround you are just humoring you. I know my level of intelligence does not equal that of my friends, therefore I have become afraid of expressing my thoughts. This makes me sound like I am in the middle of a pity party and really I am not. I have a decent brain, but have surrounded myself with brilliant people. When I say brilliant I mean brilliant. I enjoy their company as it makes me look at things in a whole new light. For the most part, things are looked at from a logical point of view. Which is very different from the atmosphere in which I was raised. Not to say my family is illogical. Just that it is very emotional. While having such friends is wonderful in one sense(i.e. I get to enjoy the discussions and topics that are brought up) it seems also to be detrimental to my mental health. :) I fear adding comments. I know I am not as well read as some or retain facts as well as others. I am not versed in the great authors of history, or caught up in the fine arts of any time period. Does this make my thoughts any less valuable. Now my head tells me a resounding NO!!!! I can hear all of my Sunday School(religious) teachers saying: My thoughts are just as valuable as any other, they are a form of personal expression...... everyone is entitled to their own opinion....blah...blah...blah.... There is this part of me that fears to express myself because It just might make me look stupid. Isn't that a quote somewhere? It is better to keep silent and look stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Now I will have to go and find the quote that I just slaughtered. Thank heavens for the internet. I shall google it today.