They have arrived

I have had it confirmed.I now look like my mother. I have mixed feelings about this. But due to continuous nagging I am giving in. For those that want to see it…here you go.






Those with the pink sweater are from Sunday, they were taken by my wonderful roommate Camille. Those with the white sweater are from Monday at work. They were taken by my good friend Steph with her new camera.

Procrastination....

You know I have decided that I am the Queen of Procrastination. I am not sure this will ever change. I put things off until they have to be done. Let’s take tax season for example. Taxes are due Saturday. January, the w-2’s started to arrive (there were only 2 not that hard to track down) I plan to do my taxes early this year. February I made sure I both sets of W-2’s and I was gonna do my taxes then. Did I? NO! March…….my father calls and asks if I want him to take care of my taxes. I say sure, he said all he needed was me to ship him the W-2’s and he would take care of everything. A bit later my friend Sarah then calls and offers the same…”thanks for the offer but my dad is going to take care of them for me”. April approaches, it is not here yet but already my roommate the tax attorney is helping others with their taxes. Other roommates are finishing theirs. April is here, every where I turn some one is bailing on an activity due to the “I am working on my taxes tonight” excuse. But do I do mine. No. So here it is Wednesday April 12th and I am getting ready to call my dad so he can walk me through the steps. Of course I never sent him the W-2’s so he can’t just take care of it as he wants to. The poor people I punish because of my procrastination.
Next year I am going to be better……..if I remember ;)

Its a boy.....

I knew something was a little off...this totally explains the cravings for sushi!
But for those of you wondering....Steph found this fabulous website(http://www.thepregnancytester.com/ ) that told me I was pregnant!! I am going to have a 13lb baby boy with red hair and green eyes. Would you like to know who the daddy is? I was quite curious myself. But to my surprise it was the pool guy...[and now you know how to keep them employed even when you don't have a pool;)]
Here is BoyToy PoolGuy, called BT for short....

What have I Done?

I can't believe it. I am nuts....After years of long hair I gave in to an impulse. I cut it. All of it. It is gone. I had hair down past the middle of my back. I had thick wavy hair that could be worn wavy or straight, up or down. But then today I gave into the thought that has been percolating for months. So it wasn’t a complete impulse I guess. I needed a cut and thought about short once or twice. But I have not had hair this short since I was 10 years old.
As a child my mother would cut our hair into a boy cut every summer. This means, by the way, that by the time school pictures came around we all had mullets. Any way this went on thru 5th grade. Then life changed and the time for hair cuts was never made. At that point I decided I never wanted short hair again. I have had a few uncomfortable moments where I went with a bob-not a good look for me. So where did I get the idea that a pixie cut would be a good look for me? I have no idea. But I am stuck with it. I will take a few pictures and post them later. I have to find a way to do my hair first.

Drama’s over. I am told it is actually cute. I just have this fear that I look like my mother and who wants to look like their mother!

Vacation......

It has been decided....I am going on vacation. The plans have been in the works for months. I needed something to plan. So the first short trip I am talking is to Mesa, AZ. My half-sister is getting baptized. So we are all gathering to my father’s house for the weekend. It should be fun. I haven’t seen that side of my family in a year. Email and phone calls are not the same. I leave April 21st and return April 24th. I told you it was short. I only get the weekend. But sometimes with family a weekend is enough.

On to the real vacation….Memorial Day Weekend. I am taking a week at the beach. At least that is the plan. I have the spot in the house. I have the friends to go down. We are staying a bit longer then normal I guess…. We go down Friday early morning and then we get to relax, relax, and relax. Beach, Sun, water, fun! I am so excited. We are not to return until Saturday June 3rd. And here we run into the snag in my perfect week. I have a YSA conference that weekend. I am on the committee and so I am supposed to attend the conference. Then again, do I really want to go to a 3 day meeting where they talk about commitment? Technically I do not have a ride back until Saturday. So really I can’t make the conference. Maybe I can find someone coming back Wednesday or Thursday. Who knows? It is over a month a way. Right now I am just basking in the joy of anticipation…. (Is that even a sentence?)

Mesa for a weekend......The Beach for a week.

What were your favorites.....

It has been a whole week. Can you believe it. I hardly can. Time flies. This weekend was General Conference. I highly enjoyed it. Granted I slept through Elder Ballards comments as usual (there is just something about that man's voice, you can't help it.) But there were so many great comments. I think my favorite talks were Elder M. Russell Nelson, Elder David R Stone, Elder Robert S Wood, and Elder Joseph B Wirthlin.
Favorite Quotes:

"Marriage is the foundry for social order"
Elder M. Russell Nelson

"Courage is the basis and foundation of all other virtues."
Elder David R. Stone

"It is in the quest for the abundant life that we find eternity"
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

Thoughts to ponder....

A Day...

NOTE: Today’s thoughts are stilted and random.

I took a day today.

My moods being what they are I tend to take these every so often. Today was beautiful outside. But I made a deal with myself. If I was going to take a day, I was going to be productive. And I was. I finished unpacking (I have lived here since last August and can now officially say I am moved in). I rearranged the furniture in my bedroom to make room for the new dresser. And I cleaned. The new arrangement is nice. It is clean and new. And only took 8 hours of my day. And to top off my day I finished with Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, one of our family favorites. We used to watch it on Sunday afternoons. I can sing all of the words. It brings back good memories. It was fun. The music is still soothing to the soul. The ending still makes me laugh. The dancing still causes a dreamy sigh. A highly enjoyable day.
Hopefully I can get my mind to engage for work tomorrow…..

The Moods....

I was looking back over previous posts and I realized I tend to write when I am in a contemplative mood. I was in one just a few weeks ago....I thought the lull would be longer but it wasn't. I am not helping by the things that I am reading. I just finished Tony Parson’s book Man and Wife. His first book left me in a mood for days. I am not sure why I thought this one would be different. As a follow up I read Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom this afternoon. Both books made me take a look at the world around me and realize that we are all searching for something in this life. My friend Cam calls it connection. Others have told me it is peace. Some say it is acceptance. I think these are all pieces of the same. I think it is all connected to love. Or should I say our own perceptions of love. I have recently realized what I was searching for, I doubt its possibility. No it is not love and marriage and all of those things, though I am looking for those things at some point. Regardless now that I recognize the futility I must change my thinking and search for things that can actually be good for me….. What are you searching for?

And the results are in....

I AM NOT A CHEF, COOK, OR ANYTHING ELSE HAVING TO DO WITH THE KITCHEN!!!

Sorry for the shout, there was lots of pent up frustration about dinner last night. So let me give you a semi-short reenactment:

Rachel gets off work early so that she can go home and finish the prep for the meal…misses bus.; hauls tail to the Transit Center (making a 25 minute walk into a 12 minute walk/run) to catch her connection, which she does by running in the parking lot and waving her arms.

Once home, the enchiladas are already in the oven thanks to Kara a wonderful roommate. Allowing 30 mins for the enchiladas to heat through, Rachel now has time to heat the refried beans and make the Guacamole. (Which turned out rather well if I do say so myself)

Missionaries (Elder Lund and Elder McDonald) show up a few minutes early with the token Priesthood Holder in tow, Jesse somebody or other. The table is not set, and the enchiladas are still in the oven; not to worry we have time. While the fabulous roommate Kate entertains, Rachel goes into finish in the kitchen. While taking a tray of enchiladas out of the oven she burns her hand, not being allowed to scream and shout curse words due to the missionaries she quietly set the tray down and checks to see if they are done; which, of course, they are not. Back in the oven they go. She now has time to stick her hand under cold water. When her hand is no longer throbbing she does, what her grandmother always told her to do, she puts butter on in. (Yeah you laugh all you want. I know it is an old wives tale, but 2 things a) I was not thinking clearly and b) it made it stop throbbing. The blister never appeared. And the burn is not half as bad as it could have been. Plus I didn’t want the people in the living room to know what a doofus I was. Now back to the story)

Rachel starts to set the table; Sour cream, Guacamole, plates etc. and the refried beans straight from the stove. Once every one is seated she takes a tray of enchiladas that are warmed through but not hot (GRRR…) and sets them on the table; leaving the 2nd tray in the oven to continue to heat. Fabulous, roommate Kate turns off oven with out Rachel knowing.

Dinner lasts a good long time. There is enjoyable conversation, and the declaration that dinner is good. But really what else are they going to say, they're missionaries and it is free food. When Rachel finally remembers the 2nd tray, the top is crispy, but not burned because of fabulous roommate Kate, so Rachel sets them on the stove top. Dessert (Gourmet cookies provided by that fabulous roommate Kate again) and then closing prayer and we are done. At this point there is the realization that something in burning. Nothing is in the oven; the enchiladas are on the stovetop. So, if you were wondering if a stove top set on low can heat through a Pyrex casserole dish and burn a tray of enchiladas black. The answer is YES. And not just a little burn, we are talking charcoal. Yes, I forgot to turn off the stove when I removed the refried beans. And that is the pleasant note that the missionaries left on.

Why do I even try? I am going back to Ghetto Parmesan Chicken and Freezer foods. Grr…at least I have fed them for this month. I don’t have to try again till next month. :)

The Greatest Day

Thursday is the greatest day of the week. I have thought this for quite sometime now. When I tell people, they always look at me like I am crazy. If you look at it logically I am right. Let me explain…..

Monday is not the greatest day. It is the first day of the week. But it is not exactly the worst day. You have just come back from the weekend, yeah you wish it was still the weekend, but you can handle going to work knowing you just had 2 days off.

Tuesday is the worst day of the week. There is nothing special about Tuesday, you are not just back from the weekend, and you are not halfway through the week, the weekend is not even in sight. There is nothing good about a Tuesday [unless you had Monday off and then Tuesday is not so bad ;)]

Wednesday is a pretty good day. You have made half way. You can see the weekend; there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thursday is the best day. You are over half way. The next day is the weekend; the anticipation is so strong you can taste it. You are almost there.

Friday is a great day; it is usually busy with things that have to be done at work before the weekend. The day will fly by right up until ten minutes before quitting time. And then the minutes turn to hours as you watch the clock. Finally quitting time and you rush out to start the weekend.

Saturday and Sunday…these ones fly by, they are usually filled. You can fill them with activities and errands or just with sleep and relaxation. But they are so full that they are over too soon. There is never enough time. So as much as you enjoy these days they are not the best days because they are always over much too soon.

And then the cycle starts all over…..

So really no matter how you look at it……

Thursday is the best day of the week.

Will they survive.......

Let me tell you first off.....I am no chef. I can cook a few dishes. There’s Ghetto Chicken Parmesan, which consists of Chicken Nuggets, Preggo Spaghetti Sauce, and Parmesan Cheese (thank you DAD); Chicken and Cheese Rice Bake (Chicken, rice, water, and Monterey Jack Cheese) and Freezer foods.

But I can actually cook one dish that I am proud of. My signature dish is my red sauce beef and cheese enchiladas. I think they are pretty good. My brothers loved dinners when I made them at home, which was not often. It usually takes about an hour of prep time and then another hour in the oven. So this is not a meal you can whip up after work. But the missionaries are coming to dinner. If I am going to cook for them I have to have something edible. Something I don’t worry would kill them.
I am preparing the night before they are to come. I can just pop the trays in the oven when I get home and dinner will be ready at 7. Tonight, though, was not my night. I had previously shopped for everything I needed (or so I thought) except for the enchilada sauce. So tonight after work I walked to the giant next to the metro. Unfortunately they were out of enchilada sauce. Did you know that was a possibility…I didn’t. Who runs out of enchilada sauce? Bah!
I have a wonderful roommate (Thank you Kate) who offered to take me to the nearest Safeway to see what we could find. Now logically, I am at home, preparing to go to the store, I should double check to make sure I have all of my ingredients. Did I? NO! I went to the store blissfully ignorant of the trouble ahead. With Sauce purchased, dinner eaten and everything ready so that I can make the enchiladas, I realized that I was missing a key ingredient. How was I to make my meal? Oh the drama!!! There was a frantic call to my mother and my sister. How do I substitute? What will work? If I add more of this how do I compensate for the spiciness? I can’t destroy the one dish that I can actually cook. I will not go into detail about the mess that ensued. Roommates were brought in for taste testing. What if I use more of this and less of that? A dash of this should give it the right kick….or not. The only complaint is that the first tray might be a little bit spicy. In the midst of all of this drama, the elders called to confirm only to tell me that they now have a meeting at 7 pm. Therefore dinner will have to be moved up an hour. This is fine except that no one will be home to put the food in the oven. Roommates are again assembled to see if any one will be home just to put the food in the oven. I will be home to take it out. Another crisis averted. Now on to the final problem; I just took them out of the oven for the pre-cook, only to find that they have overflowed the pans and spilled in the oven. Well it seems I can’t win for losing today. I’ll clean the oven tomorrow after the missionaries leave. The day should be better. ;)
Wish me luck. Hopefully the missionaries will enjoy? Hopefully I won’t give them food poisoning! :)

I Love You?

So a friend of mine discussed the use of this phrase on her blog. She posed the question that maybe the over use of this phrase reduces the meaning. Since I am in a contemplative mood anyway today I have been pondering this. I recalled a conversation between me and my younger sister. When she married her husband there were definite differences in their communication styles. Our siblings and I have learned by sad experience that people don’t always stay around. Some of us have picked up the habit of saying “I love you” when ever we leave or even end a conversation with a family member or close friends. This was a not the norm for my sisters new husband. She had to explain that she needed to hear those words from him when he left in the morning or ended a call with her. Even more, she needed him to understand that she needed to say these words to him, regardless of who was around, as there was always the possibility that it would be the last time she saw/spoke to him. Her overuse never diminished it’s meaning. It was just as important to her each time she says it.

In contrast if overusing it would diminish its meaning then would under use deepen the importance when it was said?

I don’t think so. As I recall the days of my youth I don’t recall them being used by my mother all that often except when extreme emotion was involves. As a matter of fact these words were used as more of a manipulative tool when I was young. It was always pulled out in the middle of a fight as if that would change what was going on…It’s okay because I love you and therefore I can treat you this way. Or how could you act that way I love you…etc. I don’t think this gave more importance to these words. (Then again what was it just yesterday I blogged about how nice it was to hear these very words from my mother. Ironic I know.)

To finish these are not words I use all that often. I know I don’t say it enough. I have to find the delicate balance. I never want to use this phrase and have people feel that I am trying to manipulate their actions by my use of emotion. I hate being manipulated by my emotions. But I also need to let those that are important to me know that I will miss them when they leave. I think I am almost there.

Now I am bored being contemplative and Gilmore Gilrs should be starting soon. Time to be light hearted.

For those who want to know.....

All right already. I'll post it.....

Apparently, as with everything else, I tend to be unpredicatable. But as it says I'm always in the mood to try something new.

You're a Freaky Kisser

When you kiss, you want to experience something new A new technique, a new partner, a new piercing... And your own personal kissing style is very unpredictable There's no saying where your tongue or hands will go

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

A nice note...

I had a good day today.....It was a little crazy busy. There was the sad news that my friend had to have surgery Sunday night (she just had her appendix out, she is already home resting). There were projects for work that came up last minute rearranging things for the rest of this week. Then there was the Hockey game. The ward went to see the Washington Caps vs Montreal. Gwen and Steph condescended to sit with us instead of paying for the good seats. So we were literally in the last row of the arena. Unfortunately the Caps lost yet again, but it was still enjoyable to be out with such a large group.

Even better though was what I came home to……you know sometimes parents do great things for their kids. Today was one of those days. I came home to a letter from my mother. Essentially she told me she was proud of me and that she loved me. Not something I hear frequently from her. I think she just assumes that I know these things. It was nice to hear. It is even nicer to know. I hope one day when I have kids, heaven forbid, I can remember how important those moments are. I hope I can remember to duplicate the great things my parents did for us when we were small. Hymns to lull us to sleep, green eggs and ham on St Patty’s day, Slurpee’s on Payday (it was a treat we could afford) . Of course these things lasted no longer then my parents’ marriage but they left memories with me and my siblings. Hopefully the good things can be carried on.

Now I am done being contemplative. I am going to take a test from blogthings. Maybe I will share the answer. What do you think? Wanna know what kind of kisser I am? Yeah me neither. ;) Lol!

Snarky.....

Have you ever noticed that when you get your feelings hurt and immediately react you almost never say the things you want to say.....I snarked at a good friend today. Actually, I snarked at a good friend 10 minutes ago. And now it is bothering me. All over something silly. I got my feelings hurt by not being included. And then by some one making me feel silly over wanting to be included. One of my many faults is immediate reaction to being made to feel stupid or silly. It stems from my childhood and having too many people tell me that I wasn't ....something(smart, good, something)...enough. I work hard to control the instant angry reaction. Most people don't intend to treat you like you are being silly or stupid. I usually do pretty well, but sometimes I miss the step to angry reaction. When it happens usually I will pull out of any conversation because I know I will say something unkind it I continue to talk and there is no excuse for unkindness.

So now I have to apologize..and then explain. Which is really not worth the effort as it was silly to begin with. I am tired just thinking about it. Or maybe I am just tired. *sigh*

Happy Saint Patricks Day!

Top o’ the mornin' to ya!

St. Patrick’s Day has arrived.......Wahoo!! This happens to be one of my favorite holidays, for no apparent reason. One day I would like to go to Chicago and see the parade and the dyeing of the Chicago River. It would be even better to be able to go to Ireland. *sigh* I do have Irish in my family. One of the stories says we are from Galway Bay in Ireland. My mothers maiden name is Galloway....the change happened somewhere along the line. (Hmmm....that would be interesting to find out) Any way, there is really no reason for me to love this day so much. But I do. I am giddy today. I have been wearing green all week. Not that that is really different then any other week. It is my favorite color after all. But I don't drink...so really green beer, not for me. I do remember once when I was little (We lived in New Hampshire at the time so it was somewhere between 5 and 7 years old) Mom got up early and made us green breakfast. Green eggs and Ham, special just for St Patty's day, well and the book by Dr. Seuss, of course. It is a fun Memory. I usually don't go to massive parties on this day. Tonight for instance, I will be hanging with my great girlfriends while we plan our major outing for the fall. But there is something about this holiday that just makes me smile. Maybe it is the fact that it is spring, and there is green involved. I am just so easily pleased these days. I hope you enjoy this wonderful holiday.

City Girl at Heart

So, I was pondering many things today. But as I walked the 30 minutes to my house after work I recognized my love for the city. I live in the ‘burbs. It's not as bad as it was last summer when walking any where was not even an option. Right now I am at least a 30 minute walk to anything. So I have decided that I am a city girl.

I love knowing that I can walk anywhere, I can go to the library or the grocery store, or the theatre with out having to rely on any one else. The access to the metro system any time of day, allowing me to get any where I want any time I want. [Kind of ;)] I miss that part where I live. I love coming home to a house with lighted windows...it is comforting in a way. But, I miss being independent. I hate feeling like I am abusing a relationship because I can never get to an activity on my own...(shut it....I know you don't care but I do!) I miss knowing that I can do anything I want with out having to push any one else to go with me.

I love the sights and sounds of the city. I love the people rushing everywhere, places to be, things to do, people to see. I love the zoos and the parks. I love the museums and the theatres. I love the shopping plazas and the restaurants. I love the city. I miss living in the city.

The Family....

Over Christmas we had Family Pictures taken. Life is never as it seems in the pictures.... But these turned out pretty nicely.

Here is my step family....Mother, Step-Dad, and 11 siblings...I grew up with these people. We look so happy and...close.

And now we add the spouses and gradchildren........yet again with the hugging. It makes us look closer. There is a line in a song somewhere that says why can't we live like we look in our family picture. The formal picture for the sitting room wall....I think it is okay....But I am grateful that right before Lukas goes on his mission we will have to take another one....that's only 10 years.... Already this picture is out of date as there was a baby born in January and one to be born next month.

This one is my favorite. These are the moments I cherish. We do have them every so often. One of the kids (I think it was Ralph) cracked a joke and the photographer caught it on camera. This is the laid back atmosphere I want to establish in my family when I have one. One of fun and love.

Now back to work........

I'm a snob?

You Are Boston

Both modern and old school, you never forget your roots. Well educated and a little snobby, you demand the best. And quite frankly, you think you are the best. Famous people from the Boston area: Conan O'Brien, Ben Affleck, New Kids on the Block

What American City Are You?

The Calm....

It is Friday....I made it through the week. As I sit here at the front desk I realized that I am in the calm before the storm. I have 57 minutes before I head back to the HR Office and receive my assignments for today.

I had a whole blog written…but it sounded too whiney even for me. So instead I am going to give you ……..

Fear No More The Heat O' The Sun

Fear no more the heat o' the sun,
Nor the furious winter's rages;
Thou thy worldly task hast done,
Home art gone, and ta'en thy wages;
Golden lads and girls all must,
As chimney-sweepers, come to dust.

Fear no more the frown o' the great;
Thou art past the tyrant's stroke:
Care no more to clothe and eat;
To thee the reed is as the oak:
The sceptre, learning, physic, must
All follow this, and come to dust.

Fear no more the lightning-flash,
Nor the all-dreaded thunder-stone;
Fear not slander, censure rash;
Thou hast finished joy and moan;
All lovers young, all lovers must
Consign to thee, and come to dust.

No exorciser harm thee!
Nor no witchcraft charm thee!
Ghost unlaid forbear thee!
Nothing ill come near thee!
Quiet consummation have;
And renownéd be thy grave!

~~William Shakespeare~~

I miss you Gramps!

Just when you think....

Just when you think that life is comfortable you get slammed. Today was too busy to think...so today you get a poem. (I just started a favulous book of poetry and this is one I enjoyed) This poem was in written in response to Marlowe's "A Passionate Shepherd to His Love" Here is her response to the shepherd.....Hee Hee Hee

The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd

If all the world and love were young,
And truth in every shepherd's tongue,
These pretty pleasures might me move
To live with thee and be thy love.

Time drives the flocks from field to fold
When rivers rage and rocks grow cold,
And Philomel becometh dumb;
The rest complains of cares to come.

The flowers do fade, and wanton fields
To wayward winter reckoning yields;
A honey tongue, a heart of gall,
Is fancy's spring, but sorrow's fall.

The gowns, thy shoes, thy beds of roses,
Thy cap, thy kirtle, and thy posies
Soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten,—
In folly ripe, in reason rotten.

Thy belt of straw and ivy buds,
Thy coral clasps and amber studs,
All these in me no means can move
To come to thee and be thy love.

But could youth last and love still breed,
Had joys no date nor age no need,
Then these delights my mind might move
To live with thee and be thy love.

Content...

I AM CONTENT

Work is steady. Okay, Okay, okay I get a little stressed when I have 3 projects and they are not done and I want to go for sushi at lunch and my boss is working through the lunch hour just to get her projects done, and then to top it off I take an extra half hour.... Then I am no fun and can be considered not nice. As a matter of fact...I have decided I don't handle stress all that well. I hate it. Sit back, let me go at my own pace and it will get done with in your time limit....give me 6 things to do all at the same time with out giving me an order of priority and tell me they all have to be done and I could possible get upset. Especially when you are sitting there watching me work....I hate having people watch me work. It takes a lot of concentration for me to multi task...therefore I
get snippy with those that talk to me. I like to be left alone to get it done. But that is not what I am talking about…..

I AM CONTENT

I have spoken to my family…listened to the words and let them slide right off. Okay it might have taken a day or two to get over it. And maybe tomorrow it will start all over again. But today….

I AM CONTENT

I have talked to various friends and life is moving along really well for so many of them. Old friends are having baby number 2; new friends are starting new relationships together, other friends are enjoying new jobs….life is good.

I AM CONTENT.

I am not overly happy about anything. There are things causing me to smile. There is beauty all around me. New friends are appearing. Old friends are re-appearing. The world around me is starting to thaw and blossom. The wind blows fierce and fresh. Life is good.

I AM CONTENT

Discontinued......

The Fault is mine. I was not careful enough with my possessions. My favorite headphones, the beloved and dear headphones I have had for months, are now no longer. There was an incident whilst I was stocking the kitchen at work. Unfortunately, they are irreplaceable. They have been discontinued. There was much angst and frustration while in the Sony store, all carefully kept inside as I knew it was not the fault of the very nice salesman. Therefore, I had to pick out a new pair. I do not like them; they do not fit the same way. They are not as comfortable. They are not what I wanted. I am sad… I will adjust.

The Girl Scouts....

The time of year has come....Girl Scouts scour the land for every gullible person in existence. Every soul who is a sucker for a small girl with big eyes and those horrible uniforms. Mothers….fathers…..grandmothers….co-workers….school teachers…we are suckers. We buy year after year. The Samoas, the Thin Mints, the Tagalongs, The Treefoils, and the Lemon whatever’s….the list goes on. Buy 3…6…9…15 boxes, they go in the freezer or out on a tray and tempt us. It is not that they aren’t any good. As a matter of fact one co-worker today has decided that the Girl Scout cookies must be laced with Crack or some other addictive substance. Otherwise, why do we eat them? A boxful at the time?

So the trial of my will power has come. I have purchased my own boxes, they are stored under my desk to be carefully transported home and frozen. These will be brought out for celebrations of various things…or those really bad days that you just need a cookie. But another co-worker of mine to be nice has set out a box of my favorite cookies (the Somoas) at the front desk.

For those that don’t actually know me; I work Front Office/HR for a computer company. Half of the week I sit at the front desk, our company stocks a candy jar and a gumball jar for our front desk. These do not tempt me. I can withstand all of the chocolate and sugar gumballs. But these cookies….chocolate, coconut, caramel, what can I say……I am not sure I can hold out. I have had my limit. 2! No more! No less! Now I just have to get through the next hour.

We’ll see ;)

I learned from Mama....

I went and saw a movie last night. I know I know something new for me. Lol! I have felt out of the loop as I haven't been to a movie in 2 weeks. This time I let my roommate Kate pick what we would see. A risky venture, I know, but I trust her. I mean who else went to see rent with me so many times.  Kate picked Madea’s Family Reunion, apparently a sequel to the movie Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I have not seen the first so I came into this knowing very little. As a matter of fact, after the previews were over I leaned over to Kate and asked what movie we were seeing. Kate thinks this is hilarious, really I just like the previews to other movies so much I forget what we are there to see. Any way back to the movie ……. I really enjoyed it. 2 thumbs up from this peanut gallery. It had an interesting look at life, one I can only partially identify with. I am not ever going to be a beautiful black woman engaged to be married to a rich but abusive man. The best I can hope for is the ‘not bad looking white girl with the huge family to complicate matters”. There were things said and people in the movie that I did not know or completely understand….The end scene a gorgeous man came on the screen and the audience oooh’d and aaah’d. My friends and I, the only 3 white girls in the theater, were lost as to who this was. The lady in front had to lean over and tell me his name…which was lost on me as I still don’t know who he was, but he did look nice. ;) Some things, though, are universal. As I watched these women struggle with the past, present, and possible futures, I realized that things are hard all over. Things are never as they seem.
I also realized that among all my many complaints about my mother she did teach me a few basics…..
1. Family is family…..you are there for each other no matter the cost.
2. Family is work…..nothing worth it comes easy
And finally and most important
3. If a man I was dating or married to ever laid a hand on me or my children…….let’s just say ”Grit-ball” would be going easy on him.
You don’t hit me and you never ever hit my babies (be they 2, 20, or 40)…..ever!
So no matter the gripes or complaints I have regarding my mother she did teach me the important things, for which I will always be grateful.

I took a test.....

I took a test and here is the me they represent .....
Do you agree?

the Questioner Test finished!

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX. "I am affectionate and skeptical" Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative. How to Get Along with Me Be direct and clear. Listen to me carefully. Don't judge me for my anxiety. Work things through with me. Reassure me that everything is OK between us. Laugh and make jokes with me. Gently push me toward new experiences. Try not to overreact to my overreacting. What I Like About Being a Six being committed and faithful to family and friends being responsible and hardworking being compassionate toward others having intellect and wit being a nonconformist confronting danger bravely being direct and assertive What's Hard About Being a Six the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations Sixes as Children Often are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent Sixes as Parents are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence worry more than most that their children will get hurt sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele The Enneagram Made Easy Discover the 9 Types of People HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

The Dilemma of the Moment

A bit ago a friend posted on her blog a conversation about friends and flirting. I requested that she remove my name as the conversation we had was not for public interest. I did not want people to know that I was the one that was worried about the flirting. But now I am going to respond. In a desperate attempt not to gain any more emotional weight I am going to purge the thought here. So those that don’t want to read all my dirty little secrets skip this post please. If you will struggle looking me in the eye due to the fact that I have a whole lot of past sin, then I suggest you wait until the next post.

A little background:
I’ll start with the fact that I am one of those people with few friends, at least according to my definition. Those I number as friends can be counted on 1 hand. Now this is not to say I am not friendly with many people. But I count these as acquaintances. I have many of those. As my dad says these are probably people that would count me as their friend and would assume vice versa. I am more then willing to be a friend to anyone; As a matter of fact I have been confidant to many, and enjoy going out and playing with quite a few in the acquaintance category. But a friend in my book is one that I would feel comfortable calling in a bind or struggle. It is one that I could call when I am afraid or crying. There are very few of these. I was taught at an early age that those are weaknesses that can be used against you. And I try to give as few people as possible the keys to my destruction. It is uncomfortable for me….end of story. But those that I count as friends….suffice to say that I would do anything for them. As cheesy and trite as it sounds, I would go to the ends of the earth for them.

Recently my relationship with one of my friends was, well for lack of a better word, under attack. I was told by my family that it was inappropriate due to the fact that he is engaged to be married. Our relationship could not be kept platonic due to him being a man and me being a woman. There were harsh things said, my family has yet to recover from the argument. I defended my relationship with the knowledge that it wasn’t like that. We are friends, I would do anything he needed, but he would never be inappropriate with me that way. His fiancée (wife??…are you married yet?) is an amazing woman one that I look to as an example of goodness. I would never be inappropriate with him for many reasons. First, been there done that in my past, not fun and the cause of 20 pounds in emotional weight, no thanks! Secondly, I respect him and his fiancée way too much to ever even want to do that. Third, and in my mind most important, He is a friend and deserves all the happiness that this life has to offer. She can give that to him. I would not be any kind of friend if I tried to harm that relationship. I know all these things in my head and I tried to put the things that had been said by my family out of my head.

The Problem:
But recently someone else I count as friend commented on the relationship and termed it as flirting, only to be confirmed by yet another friend when questioned. (I have yet to ask the friend this is related to as he has too much on his plate right now) Now let’s look at the numbers, Out of the 5 people that I would count as my friends, 2 of them say that I am flirting with this gentleman. That is pretty damning evidence. One states that it is all a matter of definition and therefore nothing to worry about. I do not see things this way. In my book flirting is flirting and flirting with someone engaged or married is inappropriate. I just don’t see my relationship with this particular gentleman in that light. But the worry has set in and I can’t seem to get past it. Am I being inappropriate? I am not doing it intentionally, but is it happening anyway? Am I flirting unconsciously? Deep down do I have the intent to harm this relationship? How could I be that type of person? What do I do? Do I end all contact as was suggested by my family months ago? How do I go back to a relationship that is merely an acquaintance after a person becomes such a good friend? I have never done that, I do not know if I can. I do not know if I need to. But I do know that if I don’t find out the weight I have already gained is going to double.

The Conclusion:
Really there is no conclusion. That is why I am purging. I do not know what to do, I am struggling to figure out what to do and gaining weight faster than you can spit. I hate not knowing my own mind. I fear that what I think about myself is never the clear view. So I listen to the view of those that I count as friends, those that know who I am and why I do things. But as the scriptures state “By their works ye shall know them”; what do my works state of me? This is what I need to figure out.

The Holiday Weekend starts

The weekend has officially started. Steph got us out of work 45 minutes early, which means I got a ride instead of the bus. This is always a two sided bonus. On the one hand I was home before 5. On the other I didn’t get to walk. When I can convince myself to take the bus I remember how much I like it. I love listening to music and walking. I don’t require the attention of any one else. And I like it that way. Today would have been a good day to walk, I have been pondering change.
The definition reads as follows:

To cause to be different: change the spelling of a word.

To give a completely different form or appearance to; transform: changed the yard into a garden.

To exchange for or replace with another, usually of the same kind or category: change one's name; a light that changes colors.

To lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; switch: change methods; change sides.

To transfer from (one conveyance) to another: change planes.

There are many others but these definitions are unsettling to my mind. I am recognizing the beginnings of change in my life. Over the last year lots has changed. But it was changes I was comfortable with. They were changes I either expected or ones that I was happy about. The changes that are happening now are ones that I have not prepared for. This is uncomfortable. Oddly enough I am the one of my friends always touting that we should try something new. Go new places, try new foods (BTW I tried Sushi for the first time on Thursday, not just the California rolls either, the real stuff, I didn’t hate it, I didn’t love it, I will have to have it again. Now back to what I was saying) I am always the instigator of these things.

Reality is that I only try new things when I am comfortable with my surroundings. I love where I am living currently, I love my group of friends, but I am sensing shifts in the currents upon which I exist. Not bad ones. As a matter of fact these shifts are great for those involved, they are fabulous things, but I am selfish, I was enjoying this phase of my life. And I am seeing a future where this phase is ending. I do not like that. There is no point in whining. Change is constant and never-ending. If I haven’t gotten used to it by now, I had better learn quick. Lol! I thought I had learned this lesson, apparently I was wrong. Lol!
Now I am going to go and enjoy my 3 day weekend….Hope you do the same….Travel Safe Sheila and the Professor.

approaching the end......

The best feeling in the world is normal. At least that is what I am thinking tonight. I am recognizing that I am finally approaching the end of this self induced pity party that I have been on. Lol! Would you like to know how I know......I know you are just dying to understand. It is eating away at you. How does this chick figure out that her self induced depression is finally lifting? Yeah I can read your thoughts....maybe I am projecting...ya think. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. So how do I know? I cleaned my room. And when I say cleaned...it means you can see the floor again. It is too late to start the organization that still needs to be done (I have a box in the closet that hasn't been unpacked from the move last Aug. Lol!) but I finally started to get back to a semblance of normal. The bed is finally made with the sheets and blankets tucked in with hospital corners. The laundry that has been sitting on the floor is hanging nicely in the closet. Over the last few weeks only some of it got folded and piled on the floor…the rest was just piled out of the dryer…how do I live like that? The books I have bought over the last 6 weeks were added to the bookshelf or I should say they were added to the makeshift shelf on the floor as the actual shelf is over flowing. Lol! I walked home from the metro station today and enjoyed it. I loved the blue sky, the snow that has started melting, the runoff that is flowing down the driveways, I could go on. I skipped Institute tonight but have been listening to music and just being happy, whether I was cleaning or singing, or the 50 other things I did around the house tonight. It is a nice feeling. It will be a few more days before the funk completely wears off……but I am almost there.
And to add to the good mood of the evening my good friend Boo just called to invite me to see the Chinese New Year Show at The National Theatre. I am excited.

A very different emotion from the one I was experiencing at the last post……..what does that say about me…maybe it is not normal that is so mood lifting but Clean? Food for thought.

What to write......

So I want to write. I want to purge what ever thoughts are weighing me down. But I am not sure what to write. There are so many things that are running around in my head. But where do I start and what do I say. Maybe I should just say nothing. Maybe I should keep this light and airy...I can be good at that when I want to. I might not be a master at creating conversation, usually that takes work for me. I have become quite an artist at babbling about completely pointless things. This makes it easy for me to be shy with out any one knowing. I can pretend that I am out going by talking about some of the most inconsequential things and every thinks that I am just a chatter box. But it is babbling, not a conversation. There is a definite difference.

I went to FHE this week, and remembered how much I hate attending those things with out the posse. Kate and I talked about it afterward. It is just a “munch and mingle”, but it makes it forced socializing. There is so much pressure, especially since I hate walking up to a group and just joining in a conversation. That fear of rejection has never been stronger then those moments. Even tracting as a missionary didn’t cause me this much stress. Prior to moving out to DC I would attend these functions with a book in my pocket. Then I could read while who ever I was with socialized to their hearts content. As a matter of fact, that is how I spent my teenage years. There was many a family activity or outings with friends that I spent the time reading. I have always preferred to read to doing any thing else. When I wanted a break I could always join in. I also loved the ability it gave me to observe. As long as I had a book in my hand I could watch the interaction between those around me. I think this is the reason I always one of the first to know who was “hooking up” who among my friends. It is easy to spot if you are watching the small interactions. Lol!

I miss this part of my life. Since moving here I made the decision to be active in life not just sit and watch it. I must say that as fun as the activities can be, I miss who I used to be. There is a part of me that misses the quiet evenings spent in the pages of my books, the time I had to just pay attention to the quiet, to be in a group and just watch instead of participate. This was my reasoning for attending the Sunday football potlucks every week. It gave me the opportunity to be amidst the chaos and noise and not have to be apart of it. I need the background noise as much as I need not to be social. I do not know what I am going to do now that football is over. Where will I find a group that will allow me to read a book whilst they play? Groups always feel the need to include; they don’t realize that sometimes we don’t need to be included; sometimes we just want to watch.

Now I am complaining that I am too social. Can I get any whinier?

Just as a post script, I know I have an amazing life. One that is full of incredible people. My friends, family, and even acquaintances constantly bring insight into my life that I could never achieve on my own. I am constantly amazed at the many wonderful things that surround me. Therefore I am reduced to complaining that I am not the boring person who did nothing but work, take care of kids, and read books. How sad is that? Lol!

Snow!!

Yeah.....It started snowing yesterday. And now there is about a foot of snow. It is gorgeous. The words "Its a Marshmellow world in the winter when the snow starts to cover the ground......" are skipping through my head. Though I realize that no one else knows this song. That is okay. Today I get to enjoy the Beauty that surrounds em with out having to deal with the cold that is there. Church was cancelled......Meaning I can stay inside in my pajamas all day long......I can sit in my bay window and just watch the wintery world.....I am so excited.


oops....Passage of time.

It is now Monday and my reflections of yesterday are as follows:

1) Snow is Beautiful.

2) 6 girls in one house is a lot

3) Snow is cold

4) 3 Movies in less then 24 hours is also alot

5) Tension is high when there are that many females in that small of a space.

6) I live with some great girls..............they are definatly individuals.

7) My roommates are really good cooks

8) I eat alot when I have nothing else to do

9) My roommates and I are rarely home all at the same time.

10) When we are home together it is never for this long of a period

11) After having nothing to do for that long...I was itching to get back to work!

So this is what I learned this weekend. I now have a different view on a few things. Good but different.

Back track.....

So a long time ago I got tagged and never followed up. So here you go. It is nothing monumental and those who know me probably know all of the answers. Lol!


Four Jobs I've Had:
1) Receptionist
2) Medical Receptionist
3)Customer Service Rep
4) Stand in Mommy

Four Places I've Lived:
1) Akron, Ohio
2) Hampton, NH
3) Rhyadh, Saudi Arabia
4) Provo, Utah

Four Movies I'd Watch Again:
1) Something New
2) Anne of Green Gables
3) Better Off Dead
4) The Family Stone

Four TV Shows I love to Watch:
1) Gilmore Girls
2) Extreme Makeover Home Edition
3) Will and Grace
4) House

Four of my Favorite Foods:
1) Cheese Enchiladas
2) Chips of any sort
3) Hummus
4) Steak

Four Places I'd rather be right now:
1) At home, Reading a book
2) On a beach some place warm, Reading a book
3) In the mountains somewhere, Reading a book
4) Greece
(I had to break up the trend, though to be honest I'd probably have a book in my purse)


So there you go. Unfortunately by tomorrow morning all of those answers will have changed. I am flighty and fickle. Lol!

Step-dads?

I read a book this week. I know something new. Lol!But it has caused much contemplation on various subjects. The book is titled Man and Boy by Tony Parsons. The Boston Herald states that it is "A funny yet penetrating look at divorce, parenthood, and generational conflict....the strength of Man and Boy lies in its plainspoken honesty." Now I am not recommending this book be read. Who knows if it is something you would enjoy. It made me laugh. It made me cry. It was interesting enough that I read it through the Super Bowl (this does not say much, I would have read soup can labels during the Super Bowl) and the last period of this week’s Caps game (a testament of how bad we were playing that day). There is profanity, there is adultery, and there are pearls of wisdom.....there is so much. So I have found a whole new set of literature. This is book was described as "guy-lit". This is a point of view I do not have.

There were many things that I took away from this book, but the one I want to write about today was the changing relationship of main character and his girlfriend’s daughter. Basic information needed:
Main Character: Harry; Son: Pat; Girlfriend: Cyd; Cyd's Daughter: Peggy.
Background story: Harry and Wife divorced, wife moved to Japan, left Pat with Harry. Harry met Cyd became friends then started dating. Pat met Peggy first day of school they become good friends. Due to Cyd's work schedule Peggy at Pat's house 4-5 days a week.

At one point in the story Harry ponders on the fact that the relationship between Harry and Peggy will never be like the one that he shares with Pat. That there is a awkwardness between children and their step-parents regardless of love. That in a positive relationship there is the desire for liking. Where as children have that innate desire to love and to feel loved by their biological parents, step parents don’t have that safety. When the relationship is good they want the children to like them. They want to be liked by the children. Harry states that he doesn’t know if he was to be Peggy’s friend or her father, if he was to be sweetness and light, or firm but fair. None of it felt right to him. And then follows the scene where Peggy’s dead beat dad comes to take her to the lunch. Peggy being 5 is extremely excited. It’s lunch with my Daddy, what could be more enjoyable? When Peggy returns with some huge stuffed animal, giddy with the memories of her day with Daddy, Harry recognizes that “you can’t compete with blood.”

And here is the major part of my contemplation of late. For those that don’t know, my parents divorced when I was 12. Both are remarried. Now my father, Mike, and I have a newer relationship. We are currently going on a year of constant contact. His wife is too close to my age (7 or 8 years older then me) for me to see her as any sort of parental figure. This caused problems when I was 14 and she was 22, not so much now that we are both older. We look at the relationship as friendly acquaintances with the possibility of becoming actual friends. She is a good woman an interesting outlook on life. My step-dad, Kent, is a completely different story. He and my mother were married when I was 12. He became my father figure. Mike was either across the country or out of the country There was spotty contact with us for many years. So Kent became my dad. I even wanted to change my name at one point. As I read I wondered what fears he had coming into a marriage that had 4 kids that he didn’t understand. There are still things he doesn’t understand, like how emotional we can get. This baffles him. I have watched him struggle between how he treats his kids and how he treats us. He tries. He loves us. That is all I can say. He is an amazing man who tries very hard to love all of his children. I love both of my fathers. I know they both love me. I now feel bad for the times as a child that I could not contain the excitement of seeing Mike (Yes I know this is silly). I remember Kent trying to help me with the pain and anger at what I perceived as “my fathers” unkindness. But I read and realized that the feelings of children are seen as an “either or”. In the book, Harry sees the love Peggy has for her father and is jealous of it and angry at said father’s neglect of it. Children seem to see in black and white and have to learn to guard their feelings. He is Daddy; he loves me and is coming to see me, why should I not tell the work how excited I am. What Harry has yet to learn is that as Peggy grew it could become something other than an “either or”. I love both of my fathers, I am grateful for the things that I have learned from them. I never want Kent to feel as if he takes a back seat to Mike. Kent is one of my heroes, for all of his faults; he is one of the best men I know. I would not have what little self esteem I have with out him. I would not have the desire for truth and knowledge with out him. I love him I don’t tell him that often enough. I think I will remind him today.

So I haven't written in a while. People are commenting that I am a slacker. While I admit that I could be termed a slacker, I can't fully blame it for my laziness in this instance. To tell the truth it is fear. For some reason, I am no longer able to pretend that no one reads my blog. For the most part I don’t know who does read it. This makes me extremely nervous. Now I worry about what to write....SO be patient while I get my....groove.......back. Lol!

Up late.....In Early

So last night was yet another stupid idea on my part. I tried the new Black Cherry and Vanilla Coke. Fortunately, I liked it. Unfortunately, I had it at around 8 pm and I drank all 20 ounces. Do you know what this means? Well to immune people, like my roommate Kate, it means absolutely nothing. But to those of us a little more susceptible to caffeine, it means a very long night. So I was up late, and then up early for work today. On a good note my hair is straight. And I got to talk to one of my older brothers for a bit. Other then that it was surf the net until I was finally tired. Then up at 6 for work, where I have 30 minutes to kill. No one has their blog up so I am stuck trying to figure out a blog topic for myself. The inspiration is not coming. I am sure I will have one later. Like, maybe, I will finally get around to responding to the tag from a couple of weeks ago. Maybe at lunch.

Rumor has it.......

Yesterday I was not feeling well and so I slept. I finally got up around 4 to shower and get ready for our roommate dinner. You see, my roommates and I have decided to read books together. I guess it is a private book club. We read a religious book together and then have a dinner to discuss our thoughts on said book. Yesterday we discussed the new Sherri Dew book: If Life Were Easy It Wouldn’t Be Hard.
Anyway I was showered and dressed when my roommates got home from church. Kara had chosen this book and so she had made dinner. The rest of the girls set the table, while I sat at the table and chatted. I was still a little shaky and didn’t want to break anything or worse. Cali had quite the bit of gossip to share. Apparently she was pulled out of Sunday School yesterday to discuss me. Our home teachers were told to check up on me. In the meeting where they discuss the home teaching results they were told that I had a nervous breakdown. Lol! Now granted I took a day off of work because I was a little weepy, I am overly hormonal right now and a friend had died, that is to be expected. Isn’t it? I went to my institute class, I skipped the ski trip, yeah, but I went to the gig for Barefoot Saturday night. It’s not like these people have not seen me. I am usually pensive and quiet. I only am really loud when caffeinated or in the company of really good friends. I guess people just don’t usually notice because I usually surround myself with outgoing people and then sit back…..at least that is the way I see me. Maybe it is not reality. Anyway so now I am trying to find the source of said rumor. We’ll have to see how this started.

Wish me luck. Lol!

Late nights

It's late. I had some cherry coke with our movie tonight. Not my brightest idea, add that to my hour nap this afternoon and I will probably be up for awhile. So I sit in the dark in my living room. We have a bay window there. I love it. It allows me to enjoy the world from the comfort of my couch, especially since we have yet to put up curtains. We'll get there some day. Lol! I like sitting without the lights on, it allows me to see the night. To feel the peace that is there. It is something unlike any other feeling. There is daytime peace and joy. As a matter of fact, I walked home today from the dreaded Saturday basketball games and loved every minute of it. There was so much beauty around me. This world really is a gorgeous creation. I wanted everyone to be as happy as I was at that very moment. It was the kind of happiness that comes every so often. It bubbles up inside for no reason; then there is no place for it to go. It always makes me want to skip or run or something childish like that. Not appropriate for and old 26 year old like me.

………But at night, it's a whole new feeling. It isn't happiness so much as comfort. The smells, sounds, and feel…..I can’t explain it. Have you ever just sat and enjoyed the night. It gets inside of you and just covers you with this blanket of calm. The only thing I can compare it to is sitting in the temple. You can sit and just feel. I love just sitting with a book or my headphones, just soaking in the calm of the night. You soak it in so that when daylight comes you can face the new day. Some people sleep others soak in the calm. Lol! (Relax Steph, Tomorrow is Sunday and I can sleep till 10 and still get a good 8 hours, I will sleep)

That wasn’t what I planned on talking about when I sat down tonight. But then I really had no idea what I wanted to write about so I guess it doesn’t matter.

People are treating me funny. I have been at church functions a couple of times this week. They don’t know what to say. Then they ask me how I am doing. Are the other girls okay? Is there anything I can do? Then the conversation dies. I don’t know what else to say but that people are walking on eggshells. There is no reason to. I am fine. There are others to worry about. It’s the “What do I say to you now that your friend died” phase. It’s not a phase they should be going through with me. I really wasn’t that great of friends with Aly. There are others that were much closer to her.

Fatigue is finally kicking in. I think I will go to bed now. The world is beautiful. I look forward to seeing it tomorrow. As Anne Shirley says, “Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet.”
Night!

Thoughts......

So.....I took the day off work. I couldn't focus this morning. My mind jumps from one topic to the next and back again. Apparently I am not taking the news about Aly as well as I thought I was. It doesn't seem real. And I really barely knew her. We had been friends for just a short time. I could find other reasons to explain this melancholy. I could say it is just that I have allowed it to build up and this rock broke the dam. That happens to me. I don't get emotional about anything and then all of a sudden it comes in a flood. Steph went through the last one with me and I didn't think she needed me to break on her again. (I know you read that Steph and went "That is never a problem" said in the most indignant tone possible. Let it go. You have other things on your mind.) Plus this way I break and no one watches. It is uncomfortable to all of a sudden tear up, for no apparent reason, and have people look at you with pity in their eyes. I hate that. Especially because I hate being the person who has sympathy and knows there is nothing I can do. And really there is nothing any one can do. I can't fix this for anyone else. I can't even seem to fix it for myself.

Going Away

I have been pondering my reaction to the latest information for 2 days now. I am not like Steph. She puts away the hindering emotions until the work is done(she makes me think of my mother in the good ways). Nor am I like the people who break down and can't function for tears and depression. Usually I am fine. Today my thoughts are scattered. I can't focus on any particular thing. Except for the fact that my reaction seems cold. I don't intend it to be. I don't want to be thought of as a person who doesn't care. I do care. I fear that I don't show it. I don't know if it just my religion and my faith or my fear of emotion and the weakness it shows or that I hear my mother saying that it is the selfish part of us that wants them to stay around which causes me not to get emotional at this point. Probably all of the above.

The first time I encountered death I was 11. My best friend was shot by a drug dealer/terrorist during a high speed chase. Her mother was shot on accident when the police opened fire on the car they were in. It was closed casket so there were no tearful goodbyes. But I do remember shouting at God one night in my room, it was very melodramatic as only an 11 year old drama queen can be. There were experiences that brought peace though. From then on I began to equate death with someone moving away. Moving was something that had played a large role in my life up to that point. It was something that my 11 year old mind could understand. After that the losses became more frequent. My parents divorced and we moved away. It was the death of the life I understood and hearing from Dad was infrequent. Then Mom remarried and we moved again; to Utah leaving all of Mom's relative's behind only to be seen on rare occasions. Friends and family were in and out. I lost grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc...but I have always looked at it the same way. The 11 year old inside of be holds on to the thought that they have just moved far away and someday I will see them again. When written out it seems as if I am not dealing with the deaths, and maybe I am not. I could be just putting it off indefinitely. I am no psychologist, nor do I desire to be one.
Here is where my faith plays a part. I know that there is something after this. It's my belief that according to God's time this life is just a blink. It seems long but as Einstein once said: "When a young man is courting an hour seems like a second; when you sit on a hot coal a second seems like and hour. That's relativity!" (I probably slaughtered that quote. I'll have to go home and check) Life here is so short and our only goal is to get through it. To learn what we came here to learn and return to our Father in Heaven. Where those that we love are waiting. Therefore, though trite, I honestly feel that they have gone on to a better place where they will welcome us one day. They moved away, and, like the friend left behind, we are the ones standing on the curb watching the taillights disappear, wishing they would come back and play with us.

Support

The bad news came today. A friend of mine has been in the hospital since Thursday. It was one of the routine surgeries. They were removing an enlarged thyroid. From what I understand, the surgery went well, but late that night there was a reaction to her pain medication. Things have gone done hill from there, she went into Cardiac Arrest, there was no oxygen to her brain for 15 minutes, then there were various seizures, followed by a medically induced coma. She has been this way for 3 days now. She was neither improving nor getting any worse, until this morning. This morning the Neurologist said that things were definitely getting worse. She was given 48 hours to live. I do not know how I feel about this yet. I am not really great friends with this girl. I know who she is and I enjoy her company; she is an amazing girl.
My worries are more focused on one of my closest friends. Steph has been with her through it all. She was there for the recovery stage of the original surgery and everything that has followed. There has been little sleep for Steph and lots of stress. As our friend’s mother falls into denial Steph is taking the brunt of everything else. She is co-coordinating family arrivals, listening to Doctors reports, trying to keep up beat and available to all. So as I sifted through the fog of shock at this morning’s news all I would think was that I needed to somehow be there for Steph. This is a heavy load. Not one I have ever carried and so I cannot even understand it fully. But I know that this is not an easy thing. But I cannot take it away. All I can do is be here for the times when it gets too much. Or to take care of the little things she needs. Like the tracking down a phone number or picking up a meal. I can’t do anything big, but I can take care of the small things to lighten the load for her. So I felt the need to be at the hospital, not to see Alicia. I adore her, but I am not here for her. I am here for Steph. I hope she realizes that. I brought my laptop and a book. I sit here in the waiting room as family and various friends travel in and out of the ICU. I ponder about life, friendship, and family. I listen to the stories of those that wait around me. I have set myself at the one happy spot in the waiting room. Across from the vending machines. Next to the widows. I figure that is as happy as it gets here.
I will do what I can. Maybe it is foolish. I fear that people look at me and see someone who doesn’t really know Alycia but is cashing in on the Drama. I have had people think that before. It is uncomfortable feeling, but for my friends I will do anything. So I will patiently wait to see if I am needed. Sometimes we all need to know that someone will be there when we fall, even if the fall never comes.

Last Holiday

I felt the need to write. Today was an interesting day. There was a trip to the dr. Yes everyone take a deep breath, the test have been ordered and after my 12 hour fast this evening my blood will be drawn in the morning. Results will be in early next week and all will be clear. It is all in my head…right. Wishful thinking!

Back to my purpose. Tonight I went to a birthday party for a friend and enjoyed myself. It is not my usual crowd and yet, I realized that I can be at home anywhere. I have mastered the art of lying in wait, judging the atmosphere, and molding myself to fit the situation. And that is what I did tonight. There were no dirty jokes or innuendo….just clean fun and chit chat with various LDS young adults. I enjoyed it. My roommate Kate on the other hand did not. So we cut out early to catch a flick. We picked out Last Holiday with Queen Latifah. Why you ask. You have already seen it. Why repeat this one. That is my reason for writing tonight.

I have now watched this film twice and enjoyed it both times. Maybe it is because I seem to connect with the Character Georgia Burns. The moral to this movie is that there is nothing but possibilities; we should be living life to the fullest. There is a line in the middle where she says: “You know how it is; you keep your head down and you push along. Then one day you look up and wonder ‘how did I get here?’.” (I tack on “and where am I?) I see that all around me. People just keep pushing through, never willing to look up and see all the wonder that surrounds us. Life is amazing, people are amazing, and the world is amazing. There are so many things to try and see….if only we look for it. My friend Eddie commented on how everything that was important to her was of monetary value. She goes to a nice hotel and tries to spend all of her money. This upset me when he said it the first time we saw it. And it upset me again as I watched it the second time (and he wasn’t even there. Lol!) But in her actions I see her doing the things shee had always wanted to do. And she does them with vivacity and…well grace is the word that comes to mind. She holds to her beliefs even when all she can do is question God? She holds to her morals and values, and she shares it with those that are around her. She does not fear opening her mouth to speak her mind, regardless of who may be listening. Be it local hotel staff, senators, congressmen, rich business tycoons, or anyone else. And yet as she opens her mouth she does it in a way so as not to hurt, she speaks truth but is not cruel or unkind. As they say in the movie: “Life is too short….” There is so much to try and to learn and to see, in the world and in the people who surround us. What are we waiting for? Do we have to wait for a sign? What is enough of a sign? 60 degrees on a beautiful January morning, is that enough for you to look around and be grateful for what we have been blessed with? Maybe it will give you the push to try something new. A different menu item at your favorite restaurant, or drive a new way home, maybe talk to someone new on the metro, or read that book you always wanted. Plan that trip you always wanted to take. Budget if you have to, but remember……this is important too. It is important to take sometime to take care of you. You can’t plan for someone else to take care of you. And your happiness and love for yourself is just as important and your love for anyone else. As my roommate Kate says: The second great commandment is: love your neighbor as yourself. You have to love and take care of yourself first before you can do it for anyone else.” How can you expect to be able to care for children and spouse or anyone else if you do not care for yourself?
So much food for thought. It is late I am tired. Good night.

Quirky?

So I got tagged......What you don't realize (and maybe you do) is that I am panicking here. I pretty much pretend that no one reads my blog. I have been told it is extremely personal. Which it is. But this is stuff I never say to anyone. And this way it gets out, and I do not bore any one. Does that count as being a Quirk?
What is the definition? We are going with definition 2: Odd Mannerism; a peculiar habit, mannerism, or aspect of somebody’s character.

I have many of those but 5:

1) I guilt myself. It is this horrible aspect of my personality. When ever I do anything I always check to see who I have offended or hurt and then feel guilty for all their problems as if it is somehow all my fault. This is ingrained and recently I am working to overcome this…..there is intense breathing and repeating of the phrase…”I have nothing to feel guilty about!” Lol!

2) I quote random movies. This is not a quirk that can be used upon demand. Every quote has to go with the situation. It will pop in my head and come out of my mouth before I can stop it. They are never lines or films that people know. They are the old school Disney films (The One and Only Genuine, Original, Family Band for example) or if a popular film...it is the line that no one remembers.

3) I have to read before bed. I cannot fall asleep with out it. It is what shuts my mind down. Unfortunately it gets even odder. I have to read a book that I have read before. If I haven’t read it before I cannot sleep with out knowing the ending. So I have to read a book that I know the ending to so my mind will start to shut off.

4) When I was in high school I was an insomniac, sort of. I couldn’t sleep unless I felt completely safe. This caused problems as home was not a safe haven. Therefore I would spend my nights watching TV or reading. I would sleep at various places. As a Junior and senior it was usually driving in my boyfriend’s car. I would also take naps at my various friends’ houses. My best friend’s parent’s house was my favorite. I slept well there.

5) I have a running commentary in my head. Sort of like a novel. It is rather funny they are not good novels either. I always have full paragraphs that I read in my head about every situation. I don’t know how they are written they just appear….things like as I sit at a table for dinner…part of my mind will be on the conversation the other part will be reading…..the lights were low and the conversations loud. People stood along the walls searching for vacant tables.. As we talked the…blah blah blah…you get the idea.

Is that quirky enough for you? To stick with the idea that no one reads this I am not tagging anyone. Hope this brought you a chuckle.

Some times we never learn

I hate not feeling well. Unfortunately this is my own damn fault. (pardon the cursing) I have not taken care of myself this year. I know that I am to take things slow and to rest frequently. I know that I need to eat healthy and be careful when it comes to certain activities. I know that when I have been frequently active I need to rest and take it easy for a couple of days. But I finally got a chance to live and baby I was doing just that. I was living and playing and enjoying. Without frequent check ups with my doctor I have not kept an eye on my thyroid or iron levels. And they are now crashing. At least that is what I am telling myself. The fatigue is back......I am sleeping all of the time. Short naps here and there through out the days.......days where I don't go to church and sleep till 4......days where I call in sick to work and sleep all day and then all night.....and am still tired the next day.......Frequent bloody noses......pressure in my chest from fatigue.......weakness.....dizziness......scrambled thought processes. It is all the same as 5 years ago. I hate it. But this is what I get. So now I get to go to a new Doctor and explain what is going on. My family doctor is back in Utah and therefore I have to get a new one. Thursday she will run blood tests, listen to me breathe, check my weight, and tell me she'll call in a few days. Then they will make me come back in and tell me what my options are. I get to take a pill.....or not take a pill......if my iron levels are low enough they will put me on an IV once a week for a month. I hate this.....
I wish I was normal......that I had the energy to do everything....I hate weakness.........
I have probably repeated myself 10 times so I had better go. It is nap time.

I haven't really written anything in days. Yesterdays post was written one night last week. I have not been in the mood to write......That and I have been crazy busy. I miss the lazy days. I don't think they will return anytime soon. I am not complaining. I like being busy....but I miss the days where I would get to go home and do the things I needed....like cleaning or laundry. Instead of putting it off until it is a..."this has to be done tonight" moment. My pictures finally arrived from Utah. Only took a year for my sister-in-law to get them in the mail. But they arrived in one piece. No broken glass any where. Unfortunately I have not had the time to 1) take down the Christmas decorations nor 2) hang the Vettrianos that arrives. It looks like sometime between the hours of 2 am and 9 am tomorrow are available. I want to do it then. My roommates have planned a BBQ for tomorrow afternoon(yes I know it is January but it is going to be 60 degrees...) and I want the pictures hanging by then. Plus if they are hanging it is one less thing on my bedroom floor, which currently looks like a disaster of immense proportions. I feel kind of like the young boy who wrote the president asking for federal disaster relief.......Lol!

As you can see my thoughts are scattered. They seem unable to stay steady on a specific thought these days. That is okay......Usually when they do, they are not as happy as I want then to be. Therefore we will flit for awhile. Lol!

Oh By the way,

It is official.......I have been in this fabulous state a year. I made it through the first year. I did not cave and go home......phone calls to the kids are weekly(as opposed to daily like it used to be)........I have convinced the family that this is permanent. That is quite an accomplishment for me. So that was my official pat on the back. Lol!

Attraction

January 8th

Attraction is an interesting thing. I have discussed it in previous posts. There was an attraction felt and I thought shared. This causes many problems for me. And most of these are completely preventable. They happen to all be in my head. I know this. The world knows this. But there are many things in my head that I cannot change. My mother, for instance, usually resides there and is hard to turn off. Lol! But back to attraction. Here is what usually happens to me when I am attracted to some one.

I’ll start with a crush. I watch and I see who and what he is like. Mild flirtation comes and goes. If it is reciprocated then it might increase. And here comes the tricky part. I start to panic. What if he doesn’t like me, what if I say or do something stupid, what if he thinks I am stupid? What if he thinks I am ugly? What if he only likes me because I have a decent rack? What if…..What if….. And then I start acting funny around him. I stop being me, I never know what to say and so I stop saying anything. I start thinking……I know that is bad. Especially when I then think that he should know what I am thinking and therefore act accordingly. I know this is my own personal psychosis. What can I say, I recognize it and still this is a problem. For some reason it, like my mother’s voice, can only be muted for so long. Then it comes screaming to the forefront and I can’t ignore it.

Some day after I have gotten over this stupid habit, maybe I will go back to trying to date people. But for now it is giving me an ulcer! I’ll go back to being friends. It is easier. If anyone wants something more then that they will have to tell me. Lol! And since I am only interested in the shy ones…well we know how well that will work. Lol!

Kong

I can’t believe how busy I am lately. It will slow down again, but for now I am enjoying the pace. Tonight I saw the movie King Kong and it has left me contemplative. Therefore I am going to listen to the Anne of Green Gables soundtrack and try to get my thoughts out in an orderly fashion. If you are going to see King Kong, then don’t read as some of the story is written about.

As I watched the movie I realized many things…….I still hate bugs (Yet another reason I am still up…I get terrible nightmares from these types of movies. Lol!)

But more then that I looked at human character. There are so many facets to human nature it is hard to put a label on any one person. In this movie there is never just the hero, the villain, the comic relief, etc. I watched the characters on the screen and wondered how I would react. Where would I stand? Who would I be? I think inside of each of us is a myriad of possibilities, but when it comes down to it…..what would I do?

Would I be Carl who is only in it for the money and fame? Though he spouts the words of honor and remembrance; he does not know what they mean. Does he ever truly understand the consequences of his actions? Does he ever realize that really it is ALL his fault?

Am I the Ships Captain? He is all about himself, yet he is persuaded to mount both rescue missions for the girl. He is also persuaded to capture Kong. Is he good or bad? Or Both?

Am I the First Mate? He spends his time protecting others and trying to better those around him. He gives his life for those he is trying to protect.

Am I Jack? Is Jack truly a hero? He fits the definition. He goes after his love, even when all looks to be lost. He tries to save people, even when they are not looking for his help. He does this without flamboyance, without thanks, without any sort of acknowledgement. But does he understand what is going on with Anne and Kong. Does he ever try to see why things happen? Or does he just react to what happens, Hoping that he is doing right?

Am I the movie investors? Not willing to put all that much effort into things, but more then happy to reap the rewards of others endeavors.

Am I Carl’s Assistant? He does not have many lines but I believe that he plays a significant role. He is there through everything; he sees and hears it all. He knows what he is getting everyone else into. He gives half-hearted attempts to derail the project. But then he does what he is told. “It is his job” you might say. During the depression, jobs were hard to come by and he was probably just happy that he had work. But throughout the movie, he was always there, always mopping up Jacks mess. In the end he distances himself from Jack, after he realizes that “Carl destroys everything he loves”. But is it too late by then? Am I the person that will push and try till it is past saving?

Am I Anne? Do I let myself be taken from those things I find important. Do I try to step out of the drama only to find myself embroiled in the mess that is caused from others actions? As I watched her at the end her helplessness was almost palpable. Knowing that she was going to fail but trying anyway. Knowing that this was the end but praying for it not to end?


And finally, am I the people of New York? Am I there for the ride? Am I there for the entertainment, not realizing the power that is being held captive? Not caring about how it happens, only that I am entertained. Reacting out of fear, conquering where there is no need, and rejoicing in the death of what I do not understand?

I think I have significant portions of each of them in me. They don’t necessarily come out all at once, some I never allow the light of day, but they are there just the same. As much as I want to believe that I am the first mate I think in reality I am most like Carl’s Assistant. (I wish I could remember the characters name). He does step up to the plate and save Anne and Jack, the first time. He is scarred forever for his action, but he saves their lives so I don’t think he complained much. When it was time to push or shove, he did the right thing. In that moment, he stops being the lackey and starts being who he could have always been.

It is about 12:30 here and I need to get some sleep. But I wanted to get my thoughts of King Kong down in print. No tears from me, but a very contemplative mood about who each of us really is, who we want to be, and who to we allow others to think we are.

Scattered.......

I tried blogging earlier in the day but I couldn’t organize my thoughts. So I am blogging from home again. I have done this the past couple of blogs. I sit in front of my Christmas tree (maybe it will come down next week) and think back over the day. Last night, I was distracted by one of my roommates and there for the blog was all over the place as our conversation progressed.

Today I was tired. I read a book late into the evening last night and therefore had to drag myself out of bed. One of the most difficult things in the world is getting up the morning after the weekend. No, not due to any sort of morning after hangover, more or less due to a strong desire to NOT go to work. Lol! They day was good. I think the best part was coming home from Work!! Hannah is Home! I cannot tell you how much I have missed that kid. I got to hear all about her Vacation, which was much better then mine. Lol! She really is a sweetheart. She is a little flighty and young but she and I get along really well. We have a lot of fun. It’s a type of family connection I do not have with any of my family. At this time I am barely connected to my family. But those that I am connected have more of a parental type relationship. So Hannah is the younger sister that I adore.

Tonight as I sit in the living room here we are almost all home. Camille is on her phone in her room (common for 9 pm ) , Hannah is unpacking in her room, mooning over her boy back home (meant in the best way possible) Kate has gone to dinner with some friends that are home for the holidays, Kara is in her room chatting it up with our unofficial roommate Brenda. Brenda doesn’t live here, but she has a key and is here every day. Lol! We love her so no one complains. If Cali were home she would be studying at the table or in her room. She always is. Lol!

I am a creature of habit. I am happiest when the atmosphere I am used to continues as I expect it to. I can’t wait till Cali returns and all will be right in my world once more. What will I do when this happy little world comes to an end? Hannah is already making plans to go to grad school at BYU. We can’t live here forever, and would we really want to? We will all want to move on at sometime. But for now, I get to enjoy. I got very lucky with this house. God blessed me with this group of girls and I am going to enjoy the blessings that He sends.

The New Year!

This New Year is starting out fabulous. Yesterday, though it started out with me not feeling well, was pretty great. It is always nice to learn that someone thinks you are attractive. And that he has thought that I was attractive for a while. What better way to start off a new year than to feel attractive. Lol! And then today was a girl’s day. (Darn boy had other plans. Grr) I had so much fun today. There was lots of laughter, lots of talking, lots of food, and lots of just over all fun. My Brother and his wife had their first baby today. 7 lbs 10 ozs. 19 inches. No Name as of yet!! How exciting is that.
My roommates have started to return. I am realizing how much I like them. I miss them when they are not here. KT was here when I returned so we have had fun already. K returned last night and so we got to talk today. C returned tonight and we had fun chatting. H returns tomorrow and I can’t wait to hear how things went with the boy back home. CN doesn’t return for a couple of weeks and then we will have to have some sort of celebration. There are many celebrations this year. January 12th makes it 1 year here in DC. January 16th makes it one year of knowing S, A, and G. So we are partying through out the month. Throw in a performance of Les Mes with A and a church ski trip………..ohhhhh wait………and a date to the National Symphony. This looks like a fabulous month for me!! I am going to be a happy girl. Lol!

January 2nd, 2006

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Change?

A couple of days ago I blogged about change. I blogged, in essence, wondering if we were sinning by not trying to challenge ourselves to be better constantly. Today the thought has returned in a different view. More to the effect of, maybe it is not possible not to change. As they say in my church, if you are not moving forward you are sliding back. I know the world in constantly changing and that those in it are doing the same. Nothing stays the same forever, not even people. So how do I want to change? I have been trying to figure out what my resolutions should be for this New Year. I still do not know. What goals do I want for the next 365 days? I want to go to Europe; but is that a worthy goal. Does that better me? Or is that just a selfish wish to go and play somewhere? I want to continue to lose weight, but I know that it is not something I will actively work on. So I can’t really count that one. What else do I want? I want to get on track spiritually. I am not where I was a year ago in that area; but how to regain the spirituality with out losing the traits I have gained over the last year. I will go into more detail about that another day; I think that deserves its own blog. Someone remind me to write about that. Lol!
Last years goals were huge. I wanted to let my family stand on its own 2 feet. I wanted to start my own life. I wanted to lose weight. I wanted to become more confident. I wanted to be outgoing and make new friends. Essentially, I wanted to learn who I was and what I could accomplish. And boy did I succeed. With out even trying I lost 30 pounds. I moved across the country last January, I got a new job, got a second job, lost the second and found my niche back at the first company. I learned what things were important to me. I learned that I do have an opinion about things other than diapers, homework assignments, bedtimes, and cartoons. I learned that I can voice these opinions (well sort of). I learned that I can take care of myself. But even more importantly, I learned that there are those I can go to when I am not strong enough to stand on my own. And THAT IT IS OKAY. As much as I want to be independent and take care of myself, I learned that I am not superwoman. And I don’t have to be. I learned that I have a deep need for approval from others. I need others to tell me that I am okay. Which I am trying to overcome, but until I get there, I learned that my friends will be there to bolster my flagging self esteem. I learned that I can choose good friends on my own. I also learned that my instincts aren’t the best; I tend to look for the best in others. This is good and bad. But I am looking at it positively, because all of God’s children need to have someone tell them they are good enough. Unfortunately I also learned that without work, I let my religious side go. But, as I mentioned, that is for another time. I have spent the last 365 days learning who I am and how I react to things. This has brought me the confidence I desired. I feel I have exceeded my expectations of last year’s resolutions. This is why I feel such pressure about this year’s resolutions. I feel they need to be something big, something awe inspiring. I think my awe inspiring goal will be to get my temple recommend renewed. That is a big deal. At least it is for me. And what about my selfish goal? I want to go to Europe.

There you have it. My New Year’s Resolutions for 2006:

Return to the Temple
Go to Europe.
Continue with last year’s resolution to loose weight by walking.

Wonder how long they will last? Any one want to place bets? Lol!

Rae